Money to rule us all

Why does it always seem like everything revolves around money whether ones doesn't have enough of it or an abundance. When we all die it comes down to what will I get from them....money, possessions.... Is this all we are just things? Obviously. So since that is the case this leave me in a dilemma since I am one of those few unfortunate souls who have a lack of money. This is almost the worst time of year too seeing that the Christmas season will soon be upon us. What's a person to do in this economic crisis? It's not like one can just walk out and get a job (although I have one but doesn't pay enough to even cover my bills). I'm sure some way some how it will all work out but at the moment I am stressed.

Stalling

I should be doing my Journalism homework but instead I am surfing the web looking for new and different way to make a few bucks. When I say a few buck ....it's literally. I mean for each thing I do I only get a few cents for each. Is it really worth it? I'm not sure yet especially since I have very little time to begin with. This little project may fall to the way side especially since I have no idea what I'm really doing. We'll see how it all works out.
ok...now I have been getting a bit of writing done ...so yeah for me :) I may post it later but I'm unsure.

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On the brink

On the brink

not a good start

This morning was not the best start to my day. I woke up to screaming children then a crabby husband gripping about how the oldest is playing the PS3 without permission. Honestly, how can he ask permission when everyone is asleep? I thought it was stupid especially since Tim hopped on the thing mere seconds after he kicked Alex off. Selfish jerk. I think he was just mad because he's scared the boy will start to get better than he is on it and he does want that.
All morning Mathew has been yelling at the twins. I lost count how many times I've told him to quit yelling. It's just a game. He gets so emotional over a stupid game.
Flash won't shut up because he wants attention. Put him outside he whines, bring him in and he has to be constantly watched because he's a puppy. Tim and Alex put him in his cage too often. I feel bad for the little fellow when he gets stuck in there because no one wants to watch him to make sure he's not gettin into stuff.

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a great beginning

I am excited about this semester. I won the Secretary position for Student Government along with being an officer of Humanities Club. I am totally stoked about my writing. I have been writing quite a bit.Today in particular has been a very blissful day. Oddly, enough nothing happened that was awesome or anything. If truth be known, nothing good and nothing bad happened. The only difference is that I began the day writing. I may have to do this more often. Last night, I fell asleep writing. Writing has brightened my day. I discovered so many things about my characters in the past few days. I know that John did try to keep Kate away from him but she keeps throwing herself on him. For some reason I always felt like John is a total sleeze for cheating on Lacey but I suppose now he doesn't seem like a total sleeze now....just a slight sleeze.

I am so happy that I don't think anyone could rain on my mood. I really have no explanation for think blissful mood.

The slacker is leaving the building......

I know I have been slacking as of recently but seriously.....I needed to. I have been going and going and going for so long I almost forgot how to relax. Sadly, it took some time for me to relax. Now that summer is coming to a close, I need to get reactivated. I need to return to my writing....get out of the notes stage and into the writing phase. I also need to refresh myself with my french especially since I am working with Dottie--Miss Language herself. As of tomorrow....the slacker will leave. She is going on vacation so the serious side can return to kick some academic butt. I know I should start now....but my fun slacker side is asking for one more night. I felt this is only fair since Miss serious didn't leave when she was asked. She didn't leave till a week later. It's fair that I give the slacker another few hours. In the morning, she will be gone. We shall see how motivated Tim stays also. He was really on top of things this evening. He cooked dinner, and did his homework. I am hoping this new side of him stays for more than just a few hours. He made a healthy dinner and went for a run this morning though personally, I am questioning this supposed run but why question something so frivolous. It's only hurting him but lying about exercising when he's not. It does hurt my feeling a bit. I know he lies when he's feeling self-conscious of himself. I know returning to school is an area he's very uncomfortable with especially since he was not the best student in high school. He hardly ever attended school let alone actually do homework. This is something he is very unfamiliar with. These are things I try to remember when he lies. I know he doesn't do it on purpose....when I do call him out it causes more problems than just letting it go. I bruise his ego when I do. I need to remember that guys' ego are fragile and if the ego is not fed often enough it leads down a very dark and lonely path.

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vacation countdown begins.......

Vacation begins in 5 days......but I still have so much to do. We haven't begun packing yet. So I have all of that to do and on Friday.....boy that will be a busy day. Tim has a counseling session then off to court for Jeremy then come home and finish gettin everything together. I am very ready to go but not prepared. I have so much to do before leaving. I have lists to make, laundry to do then pack. Oh I also need to gather what food and supplies we will need for the week. Not to forget making sure all homework is done. Gesh! I am on the verge of being stressed about leaving for a relaxing week. I really hope this week goes well. I want to just chill for 7 days, but we'll see. It may not even happen. I may be even more stressed by the time we get home. But at least we return on a Saturday so I have most of the day Saurday and Sunday to relax before returning for work. I do think things will go pretty well. We have a lot of ppl coming up to visit us while we are there so ...who knows how relaxing it will actually be. Just being away for awhile will help.

romance dwendling

Christina, my best friend since i was 14 and my sister in law is having marriage problems. I am ashamed to say.....I knew it was coming since the day they began dating. I am even more ashamed that I almost feel happy about it. Happy because I have always believed they were not right for each other. My favorite picture of her she was a gorgeous happy 16 year with very few worries. A year later, she lost her boyfriend to a tragic car accident and within a few months, she is married to Rex pregnant with Jada. I have felt that she was robbed of some of her teen years by marrying Rex. Part of me understands why she did--she was grieving for her boyfriend. In a way, it was like Rex took advantage of her grieving. After Chris found out she was pregnant, he wanted her to sever ties with Eric's family and made her return all of Eric's stuff to his parents. I could be bias because I didn't like Rex from the start but he treated her good even though they were always struggling for money. There has always been one thing about him that I always hated. It still bothers me.....he treats her as if she is his possession. She is his. Nobody belongs to another person. That statement just burns me up. It makes me want to smack the shit out of him while telling him this is 2009--not 1950! No woman is a man's possession.
But at the same time, she's my friend--my sister. She's hurting. I want so badly to just take all the pain away to make things better. I wish I could just fix it. She told me she was broken and can't be fixed. I wish I could just piece everything back together for her. But I know only she can do that. She has to fix herself. She has to fix her family whether it's with or without Rex.

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Mother Nature is a manatical bitch

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I have been sick all day because Eve ate the stupid apple thus women for all time must pay for her stupidity. Now, every month I get so sick that I have to go to the doctor. For awhile, I had to take birth control pills just to find some sort of relief. They are no longer working. Well they might if I hadn't ran out. I really hate PMDD. I almost feel like I'm pregnant again sometimes its worse--labor. Oh, the days where I would get nauseous from smells or the "look" of food. Oh! Wait with this damn PMDD I do. I have felt like throwing up all day. I just I'll have to break down and go to the doctor but I hate taking pills. I always forget to take them. I hate the mood swings, headaches, acne breakouts (as if I'm still a teen), the nausea, the excruciating cramps in the abdomen and the lower back. Oh the "pleasures" of being a woman. It's days like these where I would love to kick Eve's ass for eating the fruit. Why couldn't she just listen? That was the only rule. Just one simple rule. Ane she had to break it. Causing suffering for women to the end of time.

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Goofin'

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I really should be writing a literary analysis for my Irish Women's Literature class so I will not be writing almost all of it at the last minute. But what am I doing? Goofing off online. I have done every app I have on Facebook, and now I am working on goofing off on here although this is only a semi-goofing since it is still writing though not the right kind of writing. What's really sad is that I really don't feel like bloggin either. I just want to zone out for a bit. Let my mind relax. Even though it really shouldn't since I have three more things to do before this class is over on Sunday night at midnight. I need to just suck it up and finish crap off so then I can goof around. If only I would. I know how I am and with the current mood I am in......nothing is going to get accomplished tonight. At least I can say I wrote something even if it's the paragraph I started at work and this blog. I can say I did write. I began the paper. I have a title, and the formatting is done. It's a start. I am extremely grateful for the fact that I am pretty darn good at literary analysis. I can write them fairly well. I just have a few grammar issues that I need to work on. Thankfully, last semester Laverne Nishihara helped me with some of this. I just hope I don't forget all of what she taught me.

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literature and headaches

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I was working on my Irish Lit homework earlier today (I still have a few more things to do for it), I just had to take a break. Don't get me wrong, I love the topics we are reading about. The rich culture and background of Ireland is very intriguing. I am fascinated by other cultures especially European. But one of the things we have to do each week is find topics or subtopics for our research paper that goes along with the reading. Even if it doesn't apply to your paper topic, it will apply to someone else's. After digging through IU's online database, I was just burned out. Yeah, I probably should have just done a load of laundry or some other household chore that only takes 15-20 minutes to complete instead of Facebook which wasted over 2 hours. Now, I will need to not only get a bit of housework done but also cook dinner and finish up this week's homework.
I'm sure it doesn't help that this particular paper is giving me fits. I didn't realize there is so little on Irish Women's Literature. Actually, very little on Irish Literature period let alone women's. It's a bit frustrating to find find very little on an entire country filled with such literary greats as James Joyce and Flannery O'Connor. Why is it that so little is written about women's writers? I suppose some of it is due to the fact that women were unable to write publicly until well after the Victorian era. I still feel women are rubbed of something. Women have robbed by men since the dawn of time though that is a totally different topic altogether.

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stress and laundry

Why does everything seem worse when there is a boatload of laundry to do? Do the two really have a connection? Though I seriously doubt it.....it does occur quite often for me. Instead of stressing about the big things that I really should be upset about I stress about the damn laundry. There's too much of in the bedroom....my hamper is overflowing. Why is it that no one....and I mean no one can actually put clothes in the hamper instead of in front of, beside, behind the hamper? Is it embedded in the Y chromosome to not put clothes in the hamper? A friend told me no though I am not sure I believe him. Honestly, what's it matter whether or not all the clothes in the bathroom are washed or if the boys' hamper is absolutely empty but the floor is unseen. In the big picture of it all.....it doesn't matter. As long as the whole family has clean clothes does it matter if ALL the clothes are clean? No. But then if I don't obsesses about something as small and minuscule as the laundry then what? The dishes? Or the dust on the dragons? The laundry is a distraction from the important things....like money, schoolwork, work issues, friend issues, Tim's issues and/or problems, ect.

Anxious for vacation

This is where we are going for vacation! I can't wait. Get away from work, classes, worrying about every little thing. No worries for 7 days. I am ready to lay in the sun with a book while I watch the twins play on the beach. In the evenings, I will be on the enclosed porch swing watching the wildlife and basking in the stillness of the evening. I will enjoy every minute of tranquility. No tv, no radio (unless I break out the laptop which I will have to take because of my online class). Tim keeps talking about fishing from sun up to sun down. I don't think he'll be out that long each day but he'll try. He only talks about going fishing and being out on the boat all day. I think we should take the whole family out on a boat ride a day or two. Really I just want to be on the beach. I am soo ready to get outta here for awhile. I know everyone else is ready too. The kids are talking about what they want to do. Tim and his fishing.....all he talks about is fishing. He does really enjoy it for the life of me I have no idea why but he does. I believe I will need to begin a countdown to vacation.

Another cardinal......another mediocre

As I was pulling into a parking spot in Middlefork, a bright red cardinal flew over Tim's car heading towards the woods almost surrounding Middlefork parking lot. Yet again, I am wondering about this luck thing and cardinals. I have come to a conclusion.....it's crap! I know, it's like duh! But sometimes a memory is so strong along with the happy thoughts and feelings which come with it. I'm pretty sure it's the sight of the cardinal that brings the happiness not luck or any other supersitition anyone told me about. I'm not going to completely tarnish this happiness with the cardinal. I am still going to keep it. Well, afterall it does make me happy even if in that moment I forget about the happy memory and anything else happening at that current moment. I only think about how pretty this brightly colored red bird is.....and sometimes how few of them there are (although, I've been told the cardinal population is increasing sometime I should look this info up to verify.) I would continue to babble about for a few more moments, I won't instead I will end this posting so as I can write another 500 words or so on my scene.

good luck charms

When I was a kid my mom and granma told me if I saw a male cardinal/blue jay, I would have good luck all day long. As an adult, every spring and summer, I would look for these brightly colored birds. I would sit on my patio or porch watching the birds in my neighbors feeder or while walking on the trails. If by chance I did see one, my day would suddenly brighten. I would tell myself...."It's going to be a good day......I saw a cardinal flying in the tree or on the fence ect. It must be a sign for good things to come." Even if I had a bad day, the delusion would continue. "Well it wasn't today that means it must be tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a good day." It really odd how one believes in something as frivolous as a bird. I can say that it does help my mood when I'm having a fairly bad day to think that it must get better even if it is from the sight of a bird. For awhile, I thought all this good luck was due to the fact that these birds were my favorite birds. To be perfectly honest, they were my favorite because they were the only birds I knew by name. Why does this suddenly occur to me.....well why else? A cardinal flew over my car on my way to work this morning. He flew from one part of the woods to another crossing the small country road I was driving along. For the next five miles, I thought about the various times superstitious grandmother told me about cardinals. How they hold more good luck that the blue jays because blue jays are more common. Luck doesn't happen to common things.

stupidity

Lately, I have been surrounded by stupidity, either from coworkers, fellow classmates or my family. I even found a moment I, myself have lapsed into the stupid realm. How does one escape this realm? Well it's quite simple really.
Step 1 realize you have entered stupid realm.
Step 2 realize and accept you, yourself have joined the elite into stupidity
Step 3 after acceptance you must find where you entered into stupiddom whether it be through falling due to not tying your shoes or tripping over an invisible step.
Step 4 move on try not to reenter the land of the stupid.
It's quite obvious I am still stuck in this realm due to this oddity of a blog. If you are like me who has accepted the stupidity even it you thought it was just a moment but yet here you are again trapped among the stupid. Then obviously you never left.....the stupid have tricked you into thinking you did which proves that they may not be as stupid as you are. They must need a new leader. Obviously, a writer since I have been carrying on about this for quite a few sentences now without any indications of stopping anytime soon. Though I find parts of this funny, it is rather scary too. Who can write about nothing? Obviously, I can. The stupid have adopted me. I need to return to the land of smart people though at times I feel and think they are the grandest of the stupid. They are stupid with a degree. Pft, that's just dangerous. And to think people like that are teaching our children! No wonder my kid has moments of complete and utter stupidity. He's being feed stupidity through his textbooks, teacher's lectures, worksheets, homework. It's all a plot to mold more stupidity among the ranks. I believe I will attempt to leave stupiddom hopefully for awhile but we shall see.

A frustrating Day

The day has not been one of the peachiest. I had a very restless sleep. The entire day all i have heard is children fighting and bickering with one another. Alex had an attitude problem for a bit and Mathew was just whining. Nothing bad has happened today though nothing good has either. For some reason I have pretty frustrated with everyone and everything. If one person whines just a little.....it gets on my nerves as if they have been carrying on for hours. It could just be that I am frustrated period and it is carrying over onto the children. Maybe things will be better after they go to bed. Why do the twins like to run throughout the apartment when they know it's against the rules? I swear they plot...."let's figure out what else we can do to make mom mad."
It's only 8:30pm and.....oh the kids are soooo wired. and now Tim wants to go to the hospital just because his ear has excessive wax build up that is blocking his hearing a bit. It bothers me since I've had an ear infection for almost two weeks with only partial hearing and yet he goes to the hospital just for some ear wax. It's like come on really? He goes to the hospital for all kinds of things instead of waiting until the doctor office opens to see the doctor.

Other people's stupidity

I am mad, frustrated at other people. First off, I am extremely disappointed with a co-worker of mine for his lack of responsibility and leadership. Part of me just wants to yell at him and ask him what the hell was he thinking? Why didn't he do anything about the situation and why in the hell didn't he step up? But I can not do any of this ....why? Because of the way I found this information. Well, sorda. It's a little complicated but part of the info was told to me while at work thus anything I hear, see, or otherwise is confidential thus one of the reasons why I can not speak to him about it although, I did have one friend call me on the cell to tell me her story of it. I'm sure this is all very confusing to readers and thus I apologize for that but part of me really wants to get this off my chest....even if its in pieces. Because of this incident, I am worried about this co-worker. I'm worried that he will get into a lot of trouble. Although, if the stories are true in whole or part---he deserves to be punished in some way or other. I have mixed feeling about that. If he is punished, I know the first thing my boss will do....take away a project I have been pushing my co-working into doing. The whole situation is very disappointing. I can't say I'm entirely surprised by some of the incidences by certain people. I am disappointed in my co-worker. Now, I am thinking back to other things my co-worker has done.....I really shouldn't be surprised. something similiar happened before though not as extreme. I believe what really got to me is when my boss told me he would have to consult the Dean of Students and the Vice-Chancellor about this incident and order an investigation. Even if parts of what was told to me are untrue.....it doesn't sound good. Part of me is mad because yes he should have stepped up taken the leadership role, but he wouldn't had to if others had been mature enough to act like adults instead of childish inbaseals. I want to scram and cry all at the same time. Orginally, I couldn't figure out why I was so emotional about it all then I realized its because my co-worker is a friend and pretty alright guy thus I don't want anything bad to happen to him. When someone hurts my friends, I take it very personally.

Writing & Panic attacks

I am trying to figure out why I feel a tightening in my stomach every time I sit down to write. Or I will draw complete blanks. I will completely forget the scene I was about to write. I can't come up with another scene....I haven't been able to clearly formulate a scene for days. I need to get on the ball and get something figured out whether it be from the beginning middle or end. I need to get something down.
*scene ideas*
--Liz's miscarriage
--Casey's OD and the after effects
--Josh's leave
I will come back to this blog so as to give me inspiration to write. I will begin writing about the three scenes above. Casey's story should be very good..since she has a little girl maybe about toddler years? Liz has to move from her loss of her own baby to caring for this cute little girl who has been through a trying experience with her mother who is addicted to some type of drug (I'll specify the drug at a later date possibly as I am writing). I feel very surreal right now. I have a plan I know where the story is going, I know what I am doing for the next week. I have goals. I have plans. I have something to count.

something to look forward to

For some odd reason just the thought of going on vacation has motivated me to get things done. I've begun packing away winter clothes in the space saver bags, and on the road to getting the laundry done. I've been having Alex put the clothes away but I think the next load I'll put away so as to be able to pick up a bit in each room. Little by little I'll get everything done. I feel different today than I have in the past few weeks. Not much has changed except for making plans for vacation. I'm really excited to be leaving for awhile.....getting away from everything even just for a few days though this is more than a few --10 actually. I think I just needed something to look towards. Something positive to push me. Well, thats all I did while Tim was gone. Count the days till his leave....till school begins....Halloween....Thanksgiving....Christmas.....ect. I made things to count.....till this paper was due.....kids' progress reports came home....till doctors appointments..ect. All I did was count. Since Tim has been home, there's nothing to count. I was counting for him. Now that he was home....why count? But the counting was my coping mechinism ....and I had gotten used to it. Now that there was no counting there's nothing to look forward to. No future plans....only living from day to day. That really sucks. Day to day is depressing and incredibly routine. Get up, get dressed, go to work, do evals, type, send emails, go home, eat dinner, give baths, watch tv, waste time on computer instead of doing homework, actually do homework, go to bed. In actuality, daily routine of life is quite depressing. I need the counting.....the counting helps me strive for something whether it's Tim coming home, getting a research paper done, or going on vacation. The counting must return.

a vacation on the rise

We are beginning to plan our summer vacation. We are going to spend almost 10 days up at Bruce Lake with Tim's family. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or bad but at least I will be able to relax a bit. Hopefully, it will give everyone a new perspective. I might be expecting too much. We will be gone and maybe thats enough. I'm thinkin that this weekend we are going to somewhere. Not sure where yet....but somewhere. I'll have to do some research to find somewhere fairly cheap. I'm sure I'll be able to find something.
I was able to get everything done for my online class....yea.....so happy. Well at least until Monday, where our new assignment comes. I should work ahead a little bit but for some reason my next book has not arrived. If anything I could go to the library. I will wait it out another day or so. I could do everything but the reading assignment. Do a little background on the author.
I have realized that many of my posting are pretty negative.....very whiny....I need to make a note to be more positive even if things seem to be going to the crapper. Today was a pretty darn good day. Yeah the kids fought and there was some voices raised but nothing too badly....well except when Tim and Alex's horseplaying went too far and both of them ended up angry. I had to diffuse them, send them to separate corners of the living room. On average....not bad. I was not all wallowy as I was before. I am going to try to keep this positive attitude for as long as possible.

A new perspective

Today, I am going to have a new attitude about how my life is going. I noticed that lately I've been pretty negative--this is just not me. I am usually very optimistic. I decided that even if I am in a sour mood and I want to say "fuck it all--who cares" I will not. Instead, I will peel my butt up and move. Return to my yoga. Read as much as I can. Write as much as possible. Be as productive as I can even when I feel life trying to kick my butt. I will fight back instead just taking it. I've wallowed, and felt sorry for myself.No more. Wallowing has ended. Pessimism has ended. I am taking control back. It doesn't matter that my health is not the best--other people have it much worse than I. All that matters is focus. Focusing on the future. Next week, next month, next year, it's all part of the bigger picture. I've lost focus of the big picture. Now that picture is blurred. I know it will take awhile to get the goggles off in order to see the picture. Or I might have to make a new one. Who knows? But I do know where I need to go in the short term in order to create my long term. Maybe the picture will refocus or I'll have a brand new one. Either way....things will change in a positive way/direction.

A very weird day

The day began off key and ended even worse. I had problems sleeping again due to the choking issues from my sinus infection then only to awake at 6, hop off to work only to find out that my mothers thing is tomorrow so I had to take her all the way back to my place. I knew this would completely infuriate Tim but I was just trying to dump her off so I wouldn't be too late to work. Tim kept calling me because she was driving him insane with her constant whining and complaining about nothing. How does one complain about nothing. Because what she is complaining about is so unimportant.....it's nothing to anyone. She is only complaining to her her own voice. On top of it all......I have to help her find a place in Richmond. Oh I am so not looking forward to that. I am just ready for the upside of my life. Everything has been on the downside.....we are fine.....but not great....not good. Just fine. We are surviving. I don't want to survive anymore. I want to be comfortable .....no I want to be happy. I want to stop struggling. I want to bask in happiness. Maybe this is why I am having so many problem with writing. Honestly, I'm not real sure what I want but I know what don't want. I don't want an apartment that is cluttered as it is. I don't want all the bickering and nit-picking that has been happening. I don't want to stay home all the time.

more health issues

I am getting quite sick and tired of being sick. Last week, I went to the doctor for my sinuses something I knew was infected and yet again I went back to the doctor my ears. Ha! What'd ya know! I have fluid behind both ears. He just gave me even more meds to take. Oh! I hate it when I'm right sometimes. I really do wish the ringing in my ears would stop. It's beyond annoying. According to Harshbarger, the ringing will stop when I'm able to get all the flem and mucus to break up that's lying in my sinus cavity and now my ear canals. What's a bit sad is the only I've talked about lately is my health and allergy problems. I need to write but for some reason I have no desire to.

busy days among the sick

I have not been feeling well lately. I've been hoarse from my sinuses dripping into my throat. Tim made me go to the doctor since I was so run down and such. I found out I have a sinus infection. I'm still hoarse, but now I also have this nasty cough which hurts every time I cough. I just hate being sick even if it is just my sinuses. I really should go to Stacie's graduation party but I really don't feel like it. All I really want to do is go in my room sleep, watch movies, read, and write a bit.
Why is it so difficult lately to write? I love writing. Is it the pressure of publishing? Failure? Success? Laziness? I really don't know right now. I do know that I feel like shit whether this feeling stems from lack of writing or my sinuses affecting me remains to be answered. Time will tell which it is. I originally was going to write about how Tim had another episode but somehow that just seems insignificant. But why is it so unimportant? Am I that shallow right now that his problems are less compared to my own? Especially since my issues are actually quite small to his. At least he has reasons for everything he is going through.....his PTSD has affected him in ways no one realized until he could no longer ingnore them. I was quite proud of him yesterday during IUEast graduation ceremony. There was a very large crowd, he did not panic until later when he had been in the crowd for a long period of time. His panic attack did not last very long after he was able to distance himself from the crowd. I think one of the reasons why he had problems sleeping last night was due to the panic attck and the crowd. He also woke up today angry. Although, the anger could have been because the smaller three were being loud, and fighting/bickering with each other. His episode today could've had nothing to do with the PTSD but his lack of knowing how to cope with his emotions such as anger.

lost

I feel like I am just wandering through life lately without any real purpose. I get up go to work come home, eat get kids to bed, watch tv a bit, go to bed. Same ole, same ole. Its funny because I love routine but lately I really hate it--almost despise it. Maybe its because what I really want to do is write. That what I need to do, so why do I put it off. I feel the pressure of others telling that I need to write--to be published but yet I write very little. Am I sabotaging myself? Do I not want to succeed? Or am I scared of what will happen if I do? It could be the opposite too--scared of rejection and/or failure. What I need to do is pull up my big girl panties and write. Not listen to what others tell me about writing or publishing (all that takes the fun out of writing). Go escape to my writing. Let it release me from the mundane routine of life.

disappointing party

I was a bit disappointed in the party we planned for TJ. It was more like a retirement party than an appreciation party. I think we should have just had the BBQ or party at someone's house like Alisa's or Cooksey's place. We could have bought the meat and a few drinks. But Michelle didn't listen to me. I didn't think he would like the party and actually I think he was a bit embarassed by it. None of the other Deans showed up--only half of our faculty came. There was a decent turn out but not what it should have been. Many people just didn't understand what we were doing having a party for him. I can understand their confusion. He's not leaving, he's just stepping down.

My sweet boys

My sweet twins singing to Alvin and the Chipmunks. They are so sweet like this. It's just too bad that they are not like that more often. They grow up so fast. I can't believe they are five years old already....almost 6. Yikes! Wow, I can't believe how quickly they grow.

Semester Over!

Finally! The Spring semester is over! I didn't think it would ever end. I am so exhausted from this entire academic year. It began in the fall, carried over to the Spring. I'm sure my health issues from the beginning of Spring didn't help matters any. Of course all the issues going on at home just increases the exhaustion. Tim sleeping all the time, Alex and Tim not getting along, my inability to keep up with all the housework and be home for the boys. I always feel guilty for working and going to classes. I shouldn't feel guilty.....I'm spending loads of time on campus. I'm normally home an hour or so after the kids get out of school.

Overwhelmed!

I am extremely relieved that the semester is finally over. Yea! But on the down side of that is now I have to really focus on my writing. For some reason this scared the shit out of me. I think it's because now....I'm not just pretending to be a writer, I am a writer. As a writer, there are certain expectations which come with this label such as being a published writer. Really, is one a writer if they are not published? Are they just pretending if not published? OH geez that first rejection! Ouch! Always hurts. Could not being published the fear of rejection instead of fear of writing--the fear of truth? Why write? Do I have to? Sometimes--yes I do. But other times--no. So then why go through all the hassle? There are better writers. There are worse. So why torture yourself? Writing can at times be torturous. But it also calms me. I feel at peace while in my writing world. It's a place where I am someone else. Someone with different worries and different problems. Someone who is like me but not. Someone who lives like me but doesn't. Someone who despises me but loves me. It's a world where I can be completely myself or the opposite.
This could be why I am having problems focusing on my current writing project, I don't want to be me. The characters are very much like me. Almost too much. I feel like in a way they are me. That is scary. Rejection is scary. I'm just scared, and I don't like that.

Josh

These are some thing I know about Josh.
Name: Joshua Randall Bly
Age: 26
Married to Elizabeth
Parents: Lacey and John Bly
Dislikes: stupid people, his "best friend," people who uses facades
Likes: running, beaches, swimming, windsurfing, baseball
Wishes: to have his life back as it was before his father had cancer
Hopes: to get the hell out of his hometown
has one half sibling from an affair his father had who is just two months younger than himself.
Happiest: when he lived in North Carolina
Unhappiest: Iraq
Scariest: not knowing anything about his wife when she was in the hospital
Someone he misses: Granddad--who died when he was 15
Car he drives: 2007 Ford Mustang--Cherry Red
He designed and built the house he & Liz lives in. He gave it to her as an anniversary gift.
He loves his mother unconditionally but hates his father with a passion
Works: Bly Constructions as President with his father and half- brother, Caleb
Favorite drink: Irish Coffee
Favorite Food: Cheeseburger from Cathy's Restaurant on Salem St.
Favorite place: Liz's aunt's beach house in North Carolina
Biggest Fear: Liz will leave him for Caleb

weather ect.

I am so glad that the snow is finally gone and we have some warm weather. Now, if the rain would stop long enough to dry out the ground, it would be terrific. I am thankful that we no longer have to bundle up like the kids are in the photo. Warm weather is on its way! Yeah!

Happy retirement Tom!

Today, IUE said good-bye and thank you to Thom Thomas. Tommy has worked at our campus for 34 years. It was great hearing about all these stories from before I was even born. It's amazing how much of an impact one man can have on not only a campus but the community also. There's not a building on campus that doesn't have a Tom Thomas painting. Tom is an extremely talented painter, artist, mentor, leader, and a kind person. He will be greatly missed by everyone from the mainteance crew to the students to fellow instructors/professors. I know I will miss hearing about his latest conspiracy theory or his next get rich plan. His mind is always spinning whether he was trying to make a quick buck to support his high alimony payment to beautifying the City of Richmond with gorgeous morals.

Money issues

It is a beautiful day outside, but I have been stuck inside all day, doing housework and homework. I'm trying to figure out how to solve my financial dilemma. I can do workstudy this summer but that is a bit of a double edged sword. If I do work this summer then I have to take a class or two something that I really can't afford to do. But at the same time I really need to work--I'm stuck. I would just get a part time job but with this economy....thats unrealistic. I am really stressing about it.

fakers

I am really sick of people who act one way then do another. I could me upset because this person said she didn't want to do something but when Too Tall asked her she jumped on it even fighting to get it. I don't think that's right. I mean really. If you don't care then why fight for it. If you do care then express it. I believe I am just done with all of it. I'm going to be like Dottie and say to hell with it all. If other people want to be kiss asses then fine....let them. I'm not like that. If you want my help fine but don't ask for it then treat me like an idiot or disregard my opinion when you're the idiot who asked. I mean seriously??? That's just freakin mean. I'm sure I've been carrying this for way longer than I should. I really need to just let it go. Besides I do have other things to obsess about .....more important things like homework ....my writing...my kids...my household in general.
I can't believe that this semester is over already! I'm glad and sad at the same time. I'm sad cause Randy and Ranae are graduating ....so sad. But at the same time I am really burned out. I need a break. I was going to take the summer off but nooooo Michelle had to ask for 20 workstudy hours for the summer so now I need to take a class or two. UGH! Oh well....worse things could happen.

lack of academic success

I have realized twice this I have yet to really accomplish anything during the three years I have been at Indiana University East. I now feel like a failure. I have no papers published--nothing published really. I have not defended nor presented anything. My only accomplishment is World Language and Culture Club and Humanities Club....oh and Honors Program. I decided to take less classes in order to gain these academic must haves for graduate school. I need to start working on my novel ....I mean seriously work on it not this crap of write two or three sentences and then be done. I need to write--seriously write. I need to get back to the big picture of all this--graduate school then to teach. I need to keep the big picture in focus by keeping the distractions at bay. I know none of this will be simple nor easy but hell nothing in life is easy.
I also need to upgrade my knowledge to technology. Yes, obviously I know and understand the basics of the computer and such but I want to know more about linking sites and so forth along with photoshopping. I had thought about getting a book for dummies about photoshop since I feel like a complte idiot at time when I use it especially since Michelle is so technologically advanced though she is living with an IT nerd.

Academics and Literature

I made a huge mistake this semester....I didn't take Senior Seminar which I need in order to graduate but now I realize I could have graduated next summer. Now, I feel real stupid. I just pushed myself back one year. I wonder if I can take graduate classes before actually graduating with my bachelor degree. I suppose I could work on another minor or major. Who knows. Everything happens for a reason though at this moment I really can't tell why I made such a huge blunder. This is a perfect example of why you should always listen to that little voice in your head. Damn that voice! I think I really wanted more time to work on my novel. I have so much to work on. That is another thing on my to do list. I will get that finished by the end of the summer. At least the first draft anyway.

Another note, I met with Laverne to review my papers for her class. I was quite surprised about how little she had to say about one paper but not the other although the L225 paper was (is) a mess. I had no focus. ...no organization....oh it was bad. I am going to start all over with my revision. A perfect example of why one should not write a paper just hours before it is due. L346 the paper has focus with only a few grammar errors. I have found grammar is not my friend. Actually it is quite the opposite. It loathes me. My grammar is in deseparate need of improvement in both English and French. I am determined that grammar and I will be friends by the time I graduate.

I must say my conversation with Laverne was quite interesting. She said she loved my analysis from each book our class has read and felt that I should not turn away from literary analysis because I have such insight about the works. She quizzed me about which genre within creative writing I wanted to specialize in. She asked if I had taken Mary's Poetry class. Of course I had to tell he I was avoiding it because poetry was my drawback in W203. She informed me I really need Mary's class because every great and classical writer gained control over their writing by writing poetry. I gained such insight and respect for her today. One thing that slightly confuses me is how she knew I wanted my MFA. Did I tell her that at the beginning of the semester? Or did someone else tell her? I suppose it doesn't really matter though.

Laziness

Much has happened since my last posting though at this moment I don't really want to divulge into it. I'm trying not to be a mopy cry baby but yet I'm sick and tired of lazy people. I realize I'm surrounded by them. Kinda like how that kid from Sixth Sense was....but I see lazy people. They are everywhere including my house. There are numerous in fact. What I would like to know is how in the hell did I get so many of them in my house and my family. Granted recently I myself have not been the most motivated person but yet I was not used to raising four boys by myself....yet I still feel like I am (but that's a different posting). There's my lazy ass bum brother who has invited himself to live with us, my baby brother who decides to smoke pot instead of getting his GED, and my mother....omg don't even get me started there. Now add my husband and older two boys. It pains me to see how much Mathew acts like Rob. He wants everyone to do things for him. Nothing for himself. I'm really scared that Matt will turn out with that type of personality. I hope thing will change for the better soon.

stupid husband

I am getting a bit frustrated with the jerk hubby of mind. He hurt his ankle somehow again so he went to the hospital to have it looked at since it was bothering him so much. He came home almost stoned....the ER doc gave his some pretty powerful drugs. He is acting like a weirdo. A combination of a drunk and pervert though he is normally an extreme pervert is his usual repretoire. I am getting kinda tired of his mouth.....I wish he would go to bed but he just finished a Monster drink so he's not going to bed anytime soon.

literature paper delimmas

I am supposed to be doing some pre-writing for a paper in literature class well actually two papers for two seprate literature classes but in World Masterpieces I have let her know what my topic is on Tuesday. I have no isea what the heck to write about .....either wite something on The Odyssey or Antigone. Right now, I'm leaning more toward Odyssey than Antigone. I think I'm going to write later on with a few pre-writing ideas.

Playing catch up

I hate playing catch up.....it takes so much more energy to catch up than to keep up with the assignments and work that's not just with my classes but also with my work. I have such a huge amount of work sitting in my inbox. I feel like I'm never going to catch up. I've even had panic attacks from this. I have to bring my GPA up not down. I'm really scared it's going to drop even more which means I will be in a huge amount of trouble if I don't get it together soon. I have to pull at least two A's this semester and nothing below a B which maybe a difficult feat if I don't work my butt off. I't really starting to scare me.

depression & gallbladder

Here lately I've been a bit depressed, I sleep a lot and not really all that motivated to get things done. The doctor thinks it's the side effects from this gallbadder thing and after the surgery to remove it things will begin to normalize again but I have my doubts. Personally, I think I've been using this gallbadder thing as an excuse to lay around which is so not like me. I'm the active person who can barely make it through one movie without moving or getting up. I used to constantly be moving. If I could I would go back to sleep right now, which is sad since it's only 8 pm. I will be glad when all this is over with and I can make routines and schedules again, know that I will be able to keep them. I won't want to go eat something or lay down for a nap.

boredom

This weekend has been pretty good although I still haven't gotten everything done that I wanted to but thats okay. Today, I was able to sleep in which was nice. I worked-out though it kicked my butt. I began my day.....homework, and a multitude of housework. I was content with how much I had accomplished today.

I haven't really much to say .....nothing all that interesting has happened lately except Elvinet breaking the fax machine.

My pleasant day

I am sitting here fairly happy for once, even though I did have to work on a Friday something that I hate to do. I did have a pretty nice day considering how it began.....with a level 3 snow emergency in Darke Co.....and my tummy bothering me a bit.....and after I was at work "the boss man" being a tad bit moody. I do have to thank Elvinet for makin' me laugh this afternoon. She broke the fax machine....her little spasm about breaking it was funny. It was humerious to watch her run around campus trying to retrieve a fax which still ended up coming to the broken fax machine after Roger from It fixed it. I was even able to eat my dinner tonight without it upsetting my tummy. So ....yeah for me! I do need to buckle down and get this revising done. Beth sent me my revisions for my novel with tips on how to improve. I also need to get my hands on a Raymond Carver novel. Right I am in a pretty happy place......the yoga really helped last night. I will continue with it tonight.

the lowest point

I have been in a major funk here lately.....today being the lowest point ever! I woke up this morning feeling like rolled over crap. I didn't want to get up.....so I didn't. At first I was only going to skip Geology but I didn't even get up until after 10am. I emailed to work .....did some homework.....but I didn't finish much. I need to figure out how to get out of this. I have so much to do this semester. Beth emailed me about my chapter so I have some revising and reading to do for that not to mention my regular homework/classwork I have to do. I am really getting nervous ....which makes the panic attacks come back. I can't seem to wrap my mind around anything anymore. I know part of the problem is that I can't seem to relax.

Frustrations

I have been dealing with so many frustrations here lately.....I'm really not sure what to do. I mean....between my boys' bicking and Tim's too numerous issues, an ohhh my mom and her problems. How do I have time for the things that I need. I mean really. That's not counting my work problems (my boss' secretary is pushing things on me to do....I know that he's noticed it). I have my classes and a book to write. So, where in all of this is time for me?!? Where do i have time to relax and if I did make time......would I seriously be able to? Or would I just worry more about things that I should be doing instead? Probably the later. My friends keep telling to take the time for me and do something to relax. But what? I don't know? There are not that many things to do in order to relax. I can't go to a spa.....no money. I used to relax in with a nice long hot bubble bath......listening to soft jazz music. I might have to try that.

Understanding Josh

I have been trying to write the next chapter of this novel for the last three days, yet all I have to show for it is a few decent paragraphs. I guess its at least a start, but I just wish I had more. I might be trying to push too much or I'm just not making enough time for it to flow. I read a bit from my book of exercises, do an exercise, then not much else. I need to then immediately startn on the novel. I am not spending enough time with my characters. I need to get to know them again especially since Josh has developed a mental disorder. I need to get to know the adult Josh. When I began writing with these characters, most of the story was Josh growing up though more and more of the story is his adulthood. I think the story is essentially about him as an adult but I had to write about him as a child in order to understand why he is the way he is.

The Shoe that drops

This is an exercise from on of my writing books......The Lie That Tells the Truth by John Dufresne. I am going to do these exercises for my characters of my novel.

"What do you think is missing in your life?" shouts the evangelist from the small box-shaped television sitting atop of the counter behind the bubble gum popping, long, bright red painted acrylic nailed attendant with bright red lipstick and way too much blush on her tiny cheeks. She scans his items between pops of the bright blue gum. "That'll be $20.96," pop, slurp. Josh tosses $21 walks out the door thinking about that question. What is missing? It's true something is. Other than normalcy. Nothing is normal anymore. Nothing has been normal for months. Car honks at him for stepping in front of it though he barely notices. Six months before he noticed everything and everyone. He had to. If he didn't people died. People died.......he was surrounded by death. He couldn't escape it. Enemies, friends, buddies, strangers, children, women......they all died. He didn't. He didn't even get hurt. Why? Was it an act of GOD like his mother said? Or was he just lucky? Nah....can't be luck......if that was the case life would be different. He wouldn't be wondering through life questioning everyone and everything.

health issues lead to writing issues

I know I said I was going to use this for my writing but when the mind is clouded it won't let me be creative. Right now, my mind is preoccupied with my health problems. Granted they are minor compared to others problems but I have always been in pretty good health until recently. I just found out the reasons for all the pains in my abdomen and for the constant nausea. I have gallstones something that is normally not much of an issue but my doc is sending me to a surgeon which means I must have some pretty major gallstone problems. But that really isn't worrying me. Its something else he mentioned during the conversation. He wants to do another ultrasound on my abdomenal. And now I can not spell. Great. This day just get better and better. The reason he wants to do another is he saw an abnormality with my arteries. That's a bit worry some. I mean....A gallbladder and gallstone...no biggie. I don't need a gallbladder. But what the heck is wrong with the arteries. Seriously, you don't tell someone there's something abnormal and then end the conversation. I want more answers, but I know I probably won't get them anytime soon. Even if I make an appointment to discuss it he will tell me he's just being precautious which translates to I want to cover my ass so you can't sue me if I fuck up. I'm just emotional because I'm stuck inside with very little to do. I suppose I could do housework or something a bit more productive but I'm not. So, instead I keep stewing over this. I know it's unhealthy. I should make myself get up and do yoga or anything that will help get my mind off of my own issues. I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm worried about my mother which I should,'t because I should force her to stop acting like a child and take care of herself. Instead I am enabling her. I keep doing it because its easier than the guilt.

uninspired

I am supposed to be writing a novel but I am completely uninspired. Noteven a sentence will form. Nothing makes sense. I think I've been away from my writing for too long. I need to figure out a way to get back to it.....but how? This is my problem. I'm not sure how. I have reviewed my notes.....everything I have written prior seems like so long ago. The characters feel like strangers to me. I barely know them anymore. I need to reconnect with them somehow. I'm not quite sure how yet. This is something that I have been bouncing around my head for the past week or so. I should email Beth my advisor for some advice but I know she is working on a book herself and she's not even in the state yet. She's still in maine for a writing conference. So....I could ask another writing professor who could help. Or I could keep whining in my many blogs about how horrible things are with my writing. I have tried doing writing exercises though personally I think I should do these exercises everyday before doing my writing on the novel.

writer's blog

I have decided to use this blog as my writing blog where I do writing exercises for my novel. I figured this will help me be more productive with my writing. I have been struggling lately with this novel and what better way to be more productive than to do writing exercises. This is where I'm going to place all of them. Here's the first exercise:


I was always taught to never look down while walking by looking down implies there is something to be ashamed of or hiding from something.

That crooked smile, the left side of her upper lip would curve up higher than the right almost like Elvis'.

So much has changed since I was here last, yet everything is the same.

There's a Wal-mart on Forth St where Pete's Lumber used to be and down the road is a new strip mall with cell phone store, Dollar Tree, shoe store, Aldi's, and a department store all these things are just a few of the changes that have happened since I left a year and half ago.

"What the hell Liz! You never want to go anywhere. You need to get out of this house," Josh pleads with his wife sitting at the computer almost oblivious to him.