A frustrating Day

The day has not been one of the peachiest. I had a very restless sleep. The entire day all i have heard is children fighting and bickering with one another. Alex had an attitude problem for a bit and Mathew was just whining. Nothing bad has happened today though nothing good has either. For some reason I have pretty frustrated with everyone and everything. If one person whines just a little.....it gets on my nerves as if they have been carrying on for hours. It could just be that I am frustrated period and it is carrying over onto the children. Maybe things will be better after they go to bed. Why do the twins like to run throughout the apartment when they know it's against the rules? I swear they plot...."let's figure out what else we can do to make mom mad."
It's only 8:30pm and.....oh the kids are soooo wired. and now Tim wants to go to the hospital just because his ear has excessive wax build up that is blocking his hearing a bit. It bothers me since I've had an ear infection for almost two weeks with only partial hearing and yet he goes to the hospital just for some ear wax. It's like come on really? He goes to the hospital for all kinds of things instead of waiting until the doctor office opens to see the doctor.

Other people's stupidity

I am mad, frustrated at other people. First off, I am extremely disappointed with a co-worker of mine for his lack of responsibility and leadership. Part of me just wants to yell at him and ask him what the hell was he thinking? Why didn't he do anything about the situation and why in the hell didn't he step up? But I can not do any of this ....why? Because of the way I found this information. Well, sorda. It's a little complicated but part of the info was told to me while at work thus anything I hear, see, or otherwise is confidential thus one of the reasons why I can not speak to him about it although, I did have one friend call me on the cell to tell me her story of it. I'm sure this is all very confusing to readers and thus I apologize for that but part of me really wants to get this off my chest....even if its in pieces. Because of this incident, I am worried about this co-worker. I'm worried that he will get into a lot of trouble. Although, if the stories are true in whole or part---he deserves to be punished in some way or other. I have mixed feeling about that. If he is punished, I know the first thing my boss will do....take away a project I have been pushing my co-working into doing. The whole situation is very disappointing. I can't say I'm entirely surprised by some of the incidences by certain people. I am disappointed in my co-worker. Now, I am thinking back to other things my co-worker has done.....I really shouldn't be surprised. something similiar happened before though not as extreme. I believe what really got to me is when my boss told me he would have to consult the Dean of Students and the Vice-Chancellor about this incident and order an investigation. Even if parts of what was told to me are untrue.....it doesn't sound good. Part of me is mad because yes he should have stepped up taken the leadership role, but he wouldn't had to if others had been mature enough to act like adults instead of childish inbaseals. I want to scram and cry all at the same time. Orginally, I couldn't figure out why I was so emotional about it all then I realized its because my co-worker is a friend and pretty alright guy thus I don't want anything bad to happen to him. When someone hurts my friends, I take it very personally.

Writing & Panic attacks

I am trying to figure out why I feel a tightening in my stomach every time I sit down to write. Or I will draw complete blanks. I will completely forget the scene I was about to write. I can't come up with another scene....I haven't been able to clearly formulate a scene for days. I need to get on the ball and get something figured out whether it be from the beginning middle or end. I need to get something down.
*scene ideas*
--Liz's miscarriage
--Casey's OD and the after effects
--Josh's leave
I will come back to this blog so as to give me inspiration to write. I will begin writing about the three scenes above. Casey's story should be very good..since she has a little girl maybe about toddler years? Liz has to move from her loss of her own baby to caring for this cute little girl who has been through a trying experience with her mother who is addicted to some type of drug (I'll specify the drug at a later date possibly as I am writing). I feel very surreal right now. I have a plan I know where the story is going, I know what I am doing for the next week. I have goals. I have plans. I have something to count.

something to look forward to

For some odd reason just the thought of going on vacation has motivated me to get things done. I've begun packing away winter clothes in the space saver bags, and on the road to getting the laundry done. I've been having Alex put the clothes away but I think the next load I'll put away so as to be able to pick up a bit in each room. Little by little I'll get everything done. I feel different today than I have in the past few weeks. Not much has changed except for making plans for vacation. I'm really excited to be leaving for awhile.....getting away from everything even just for a few days though this is more than a few --10 actually. I think I just needed something to look towards. Something positive to push me. Well, thats all I did while Tim was gone. Count the days till his leave....till school begins....Halloween....Thanksgiving....Christmas.....ect. I made things to count.....till this paper was due.....kids' progress reports came home....till doctors appointments..ect. All I did was count. Since Tim has been home, there's nothing to count. I was counting for him. Now that he was home....why count? But the counting was my coping mechinism ....and I had gotten used to it. Now that there was no counting there's nothing to look forward to. No future plans....only living from day to day. That really sucks. Day to day is depressing and incredibly routine. Get up, get dressed, go to work, do evals, type, send emails, go home, eat dinner, give baths, watch tv, waste time on computer instead of doing homework, actually do homework, go to bed. In actuality, daily routine of life is quite depressing. I need the counting.....the counting helps me strive for something whether it's Tim coming home, getting a research paper done, or going on vacation. The counting must return.

a vacation on the rise

We are beginning to plan our summer vacation. We are going to spend almost 10 days up at Bruce Lake with Tim's family. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or bad but at least I will be able to relax a bit. Hopefully, it will give everyone a new perspective. I might be expecting too much. We will be gone and maybe thats enough. I'm thinkin that this weekend we are going to somewhere. Not sure where yet....but somewhere. I'll have to do some research to find somewhere fairly cheap. I'm sure I'll be able to find something.
I was able to get everything done for my online class....yea.....so happy. Well at least until Monday, where our new assignment comes. I should work ahead a little bit but for some reason my next book has not arrived. If anything I could go to the library. I will wait it out another day or so. I could do everything but the reading assignment. Do a little background on the author.
I have realized that many of my posting are pretty negative.....very whiny....I need to make a note to be more positive even if things seem to be going to the crapper. Today was a pretty darn good day. Yeah the kids fought and there was some voices raised but nothing too badly....well except when Tim and Alex's horseplaying went too far and both of them ended up angry. I had to diffuse them, send them to separate corners of the living room. On average....not bad. I was not all wallowy as I was before. I am going to try to keep this positive attitude for as long as possible.

A new perspective

Today, I am going to have a new attitude about how my life is going. I noticed that lately I've been pretty negative--this is just not me. I am usually very optimistic. I decided that even if I am in a sour mood and I want to say "fuck it all--who cares" I will not. Instead, I will peel my butt up and move. Return to my yoga. Read as much as I can. Write as much as possible. Be as productive as I can even when I feel life trying to kick my butt. I will fight back instead just taking it. I've wallowed, and felt sorry for myself.No more. Wallowing has ended. Pessimism has ended. I am taking control back. It doesn't matter that my health is not the best--other people have it much worse than I. All that matters is focus. Focusing on the future. Next week, next month, next year, it's all part of the bigger picture. I've lost focus of the big picture. Now that picture is blurred. I know it will take awhile to get the goggles off in order to see the picture. Or I might have to make a new one. Who knows? But I do know where I need to go in the short term in order to create my long term. Maybe the picture will refocus or I'll have a brand new one. Either way....things will change in a positive way/direction.

A very weird day

The day began off key and ended even worse. I had problems sleeping again due to the choking issues from my sinus infection then only to awake at 6, hop off to work only to find out that my mothers thing is tomorrow so I had to take her all the way back to my place. I knew this would completely infuriate Tim but I was just trying to dump her off so I wouldn't be too late to work. Tim kept calling me because she was driving him insane with her constant whining and complaining about nothing. How does one complain about nothing. Because what she is complaining about is so unimportant.....it's nothing to anyone. She is only complaining to her her own voice. On top of it all......I have to help her find a place in Richmond. Oh I am so not looking forward to that. I am just ready for the upside of my life. Everything has been on the downside.....we are fine.....but not great....not good. Just fine. We are surviving. I don't want to survive anymore. I want to be comfortable .....no I want to be happy. I want to stop struggling. I want to bask in happiness. Maybe this is why I am having so many problem with writing. Honestly, I'm not real sure what I want but I know what don't want. I don't want an apartment that is cluttered as it is. I don't want all the bickering and nit-picking that has been happening. I don't want to stay home all the time.

more health issues

I am getting quite sick and tired of being sick. Last week, I went to the doctor for my sinuses something I knew was infected and yet again I went back to the doctor my ears. Ha! What'd ya know! I have fluid behind both ears. He just gave me even more meds to take. Oh! I hate it when I'm right sometimes. I really do wish the ringing in my ears would stop. It's beyond annoying. According to Harshbarger, the ringing will stop when I'm able to get all the flem and mucus to break up that's lying in my sinus cavity and now my ear canals. What's a bit sad is the only I've talked about lately is my health and allergy problems. I need to write but for some reason I have no desire to.

busy days among the sick

I have not been feeling well lately. I've been hoarse from my sinuses dripping into my throat. Tim made me go to the doctor since I was so run down and such. I found out I have a sinus infection. I'm still hoarse, but now I also have this nasty cough which hurts every time I cough. I just hate being sick even if it is just my sinuses. I really should go to Stacie's graduation party but I really don't feel like it. All I really want to do is go in my room sleep, watch movies, read, and write a bit.
Why is it so difficult lately to write? I love writing. Is it the pressure of publishing? Failure? Success? Laziness? I really don't know right now. I do know that I feel like shit whether this feeling stems from lack of writing or my sinuses affecting me remains to be answered. Time will tell which it is. I originally was going to write about how Tim had another episode but somehow that just seems insignificant. But why is it so unimportant? Am I that shallow right now that his problems are less compared to my own? Especially since my issues are actually quite small to his. At least he has reasons for everything he is going through.....his PTSD has affected him in ways no one realized until he could no longer ingnore them. I was quite proud of him yesterday during IUEast graduation ceremony. There was a very large crowd, he did not panic until later when he had been in the crowd for a long period of time. His panic attack did not last very long after he was able to distance himself from the crowd. I think one of the reasons why he had problems sleeping last night was due to the panic attck and the crowd. He also woke up today angry. Although, the anger could have been because the smaller three were being loud, and fighting/bickering with each other. His episode today could've had nothing to do with the PTSD but his lack of knowing how to cope with his emotions such as anger.

lost

I feel like I am just wandering through life lately without any real purpose. I get up go to work come home, eat get kids to bed, watch tv a bit, go to bed. Same ole, same ole. Its funny because I love routine but lately I really hate it--almost despise it. Maybe its because what I really want to do is write. That what I need to do, so why do I put it off. I feel the pressure of others telling that I need to write--to be published but yet I write very little. Am I sabotaging myself? Do I not want to succeed? Or am I scared of what will happen if I do? It could be the opposite too--scared of rejection and/or failure. What I need to do is pull up my big girl panties and write. Not listen to what others tell me about writing or publishing (all that takes the fun out of writing). Go escape to my writing. Let it release me from the mundane routine of life.

disappointing party

I was a bit disappointed in the party we planned for TJ. It was more like a retirement party than an appreciation party. I think we should have just had the BBQ or party at someone's house like Alisa's or Cooksey's place. We could have bought the meat and a few drinks. But Michelle didn't listen to me. I didn't think he would like the party and actually I think he was a bit embarassed by it. None of the other Deans showed up--only half of our faculty came. There was a decent turn out but not what it should have been. Many people just didn't understand what we were doing having a party for him. I can understand their confusion. He's not leaving, he's just stepping down.

My sweet boys

My sweet twins singing to Alvin and the Chipmunks. They are so sweet like this. It's just too bad that they are not like that more often. They grow up so fast. I can't believe they are five years old already....almost 6. Yikes! Wow, I can't believe how quickly they grow.

Semester Over!

Finally! The Spring semester is over! I didn't think it would ever end. I am so exhausted from this entire academic year. It began in the fall, carried over to the Spring. I'm sure my health issues from the beginning of Spring didn't help matters any. Of course all the issues going on at home just increases the exhaustion. Tim sleeping all the time, Alex and Tim not getting along, my inability to keep up with all the housework and be home for the boys. I always feel guilty for working and going to classes. I shouldn't feel guilty.....I'm spending loads of time on campus. I'm normally home an hour or so after the kids get out of school.

Overwhelmed!

I am extremely relieved that the semester is finally over. Yea! But on the down side of that is now I have to really focus on my writing. For some reason this scared the shit out of me. I think it's because now....I'm not just pretending to be a writer, I am a writer. As a writer, there are certain expectations which come with this label such as being a published writer. Really, is one a writer if they are not published? Are they just pretending if not published? OH geez that first rejection! Ouch! Always hurts. Could not being published the fear of rejection instead of fear of writing--the fear of truth? Why write? Do I have to? Sometimes--yes I do. But other times--no. So then why go through all the hassle? There are better writers. There are worse. So why torture yourself? Writing can at times be torturous. But it also calms me. I feel at peace while in my writing world. It's a place where I am someone else. Someone with different worries and different problems. Someone who is like me but not. Someone who lives like me but doesn't. Someone who despises me but loves me. It's a world where I can be completely myself or the opposite.
This could be why I am having problems focusing on my current writing project, I don't want to be me. The characters are very much like me. Almost too much. I feel like in a way they are me. That is scary. Rejection is scary. I'm just scared, and I don't like that.

Josh

These are some thing I know about Josh.
Name: Joshua Randall Bly
Age: 26
Married to Elizabeth
Parents: Lacey and John Bly
Dislikes: stupid people, his "best friend," people who uses facades
Likes: running, beaches, swimming, windsurfing, baseball
Wishes: to have his life back as it was before his father had cancer
Hopes: to get the hell out of his hometown
has one half sibling from an affair his father had who is just two months younger than himself.
Happiest: when he lived in North Carolina
Unhappiest: Iraq
Scariest: not knowing anything about his wife when she was in the hospital
Someone he misses: Granddad--who died when he was 15
Car he drives: 2007 Ford Mustang--Cherry Red
He designed and built the house he & Liz lives in. He gave it to her as an anniversary gift.
He loves his mother unconditionally but hates his father with a passion
Works: Bly Constructions as President with his father and half- brother, Caleb
Favorite drink: Irish Coffee
Favorite Food: Cheeseburger from Cathy's Restaurant on Salem St.
Favorite place: Liz's aunt's beach house in North Carolina
Biggest Fear: Liz will leave him for Caleb

weather ect.

I am so glad that the snow is finally gone and we have some warm weather. Now, if the rain would stop long enough to dry out the ground, it would be terrific. I am thankful that we no longer have to bundle up like the kids are in the photo. Warm weather is on its way! Yeah!