Wedding Stresses

My first attempt 

Tomorrow, my brother is getting married. I have been his unofficial wedding planner. I made the invitations, organized the food, destressed the bride for getting overwhelmed (daily), and (so far) attempted NOT to kill the maid of honor who has thus far shucked her duties even "forgetting" to book the avenue for the bridal shower. I am also making the finishing touches to the cupcake tree, I made. The paper isn't right so I need to resurface it. The whole thing was giving me fits. The first one I made, looked like my eight year olds made it. I was not pleased. The second one is coming along smoothly (now I know what not to do). 

My future

I'm in the process of making some major life changes. At the moment I'm stuck at a crossroad, the only thing I know is :i need to return to college for a master's degree. Herein lies my dilemma....I've been substituting at various school districts throughout darke county. I do enjoy it....I don't love it like some of my former classmates do. I think that maybe a problem. I'm not sure. I have figured out I'm not comfortable with the elementary kids...they listen to me with zero problems, but those LOL middle freak me out. I'm afraid that I won't teach them enough for the next phase of their education. Did I only choose education because I thought it would be easy or due to actually enjoying the jr/sr high schoolers?
If secondary education is not my destiny or whatever ya want to call it.....then what is? Before I finished my bachelor's degree, I was contemplating a master's in student affairs. Technically, both are education degrees.  I do enjoy helping students. Maybe that's why this is such a difficult decision. Anything worth doing comes with challenges....if its too easy....its not worth it. It could be this is my challenge. The first hurdle to complete....what degree to choose. Sahe or secondary ed.

Lights out...

The lights went out in my bathroom last night. I had the brillant idea of trying to solve the problem myself. Sadly, my brillance did not shed any light in the bathroom. Now,I need to figure out what I did wrong. Hmm.....idk.

uncertain....times???

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I feel like I am at a crossroads. I know my last posting was about much the same as I am beginning. I'm feelin the pressure to figure out what to do. Should I continue with the degree I've started? Should I do something completely different? Do I take a chance by taking classes on campus and taking time away from my kiddos. How much different is it taking classes on campus than it is to have a full time job? Tim is pressuring me to get a job....any job. I don't want just any job. I want something that I'll be happy doing. I want to work with students,  well...people in general. If I work with great people, it makes the most mundane task so much better. I had a job interview at the local paper. I don't think I'm on their short list (I wish I would be). This interview made me realize how much I miss writing. Asking questions, trying to figure something out even if I think it's boring and stupid....someone else may need that information. It's my job to give them that information. Well, it would've been had I received the offer for the position....but at the moment it doesn't appear it will happen. On to the next .......I don't know what will happen but I'm going to keep my options open (except for factory work....I would rather...well it severely damages my ego to the point I get depressed). I get so upset about the factory job offers because I went to college only to come back and do the exact same thing I did before getting my degree?!? Really? I don't think so. I have improved myself. I am edu-acated....lol. I feel my hard work and  dedication should be worth a bit more. But it doesn't feel like it. In the mean time, I'm going to re-decorate the house and spend time with my kiddos. Appreciate time to myself, with my family. 

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my grandma

Most people have this nice sweet grandma. Not me....well not in the sense that comes to my mind. The problem between me and my Grandma Dotson (my dad'd mom) is: we are exactly alike. You have no idea how much saying that pains me. It has taken me years to confront this. Only until recently that I have accepted it. I mean recent as in less than 5 mins ago. Since my graduation, I have been re-evaluating things in my life. Things I've done right, and wrong. One big thing keeps coming back to me. Family. When I was going up family was always together either on my mother's side or my father's. I was always surrounded by aunts and uncles..and food. There was always food. Now, no one hardly speaks to each other. My grandma has spoken to me since my grandfather's funeral. That breaks my heart more than losing him. Let me tell you....that a lot. My grandpa was the sole reason I spoke to my grandmother. She never showed much love. She is a cheap skate. Always hard on me more than any other of her 15+ grandchildren. For the last few nights, all I can think about is her. Though we butted heads more than we got along, she's still my grandma. She taught me how to make peanut butter cookies and her special "sheet cake."
All these thoughts about her and mostly my grandpa, I remember a conversation with a co-worker and my grandma's preacher's wife (the same person). She told me instead of thinking about all the reasons why I don't get along with grandma think of all the good times when we got along. That's what's has me up till after 2 am. The numerous happy memories with my grandma. She wasn't the evil wench that I thought she was as a teen nor the trouble maker as some in our community used to say. The little 5 foot woman who taught me how to bake and make fried eggs on an electric griddle. She complimented me for not getting burned at the camper (though she knew I NEVER burned even after being in the sun for hours).

All this reminiscing, reminds me of a saying "it takes a village to raise a child." I had a village: 4 grandparents, and 8 aunts and uncles (not including spouses or girl/boyfriends). I miss my village. I feel that my kids are missing out by not having a village. They need a village.
I know before I can plan out my future and where to go from here; I need to fix my past. I need to fix my relationships with my grandmother and probably my father. I'm sure many more family members, but one person at a time. I also have to come to terms with my grandfather's death, which happened almost 3 years ago but I still cry like a baby at the mention of his name let alone anything else. I'm sure it's not healthy that I haven't been back to his gravesite since his funeral. The reason is because then his death will be real. I don't want it to be. He was my wisest elder who kept my other elder in line. Now, I only have 3 elders (though it feels like I only have 2). Now, my only debate is whether I should call my grandmother and speak to her or write her a letter telling her how I feel. I know one way or another, I need to. 

insomniac writing

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I have been trying to sleep for the last two hours. Finally, I decided to get up and do something. What's the first thing I grab? My laptop. Should be a good sign? Not really. Only because the first thing I do is log into Facebook. I think this is the first sign that I am on Facebook waaay too much. If I am wondering what others are saying after midnight or curious if anyone has responded to my postings ....worse yet...if anyone has been added to a new game I found in Facebook. Do I have enough "allies" to finish my building? Do I have enough energy to complete the next task? Yeah, I'm that pathetic now. I tried to tell myself, "I will not get on Facebook tomorrow!" Repeated with more emphasis, "I WILL not get on Facebook....for more than an hour!" Seriously, What is wrong with me? Nothing important happens on Facebook and the games are well, just games. They can wait until I send out resumes, cover letters, and make my phone calls. They can wait until I get the dishes done and the bathroom put together.
The bigger issue for me is why am I avoiding things? Am I afraid of what I will find? Or scared of rejection?Could be. Tomorrow will tell.

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coming to terms

I'm not very happy with my father. He had a BBQ yesterday and called everyone but me. Why? What have I done to offend him or anyone else? Nothing. I would understand if I was or have been a bitchy little girl but I never have been. Actually, I've always been quite the opposite. Always doing what has been asked of me with little to no question. Took care of my depressed mother, kept a slight eye on my younger brothers which after a bit grew tiresome and I left it to my parents. Grant it my relationship with Dad has been strained for the past year or so since he divorced my mother and married his mistress. Yes, I am still a little upset about how the divorce went down and the lies told. I'm more upset with him because he lied to me. I want to be ok with everything. I really do pretend to be alright with it all, but sometimes it's not ok especially since he does all kinds of things with my brothers and her daughters. Him spending more time with her daughters is what upsets me the most. I know it could just be because I've always been daddy's little girl and now I question that. Really, I've only been the only girl he has taken care of...now there are four bitches who are getting more attention than me. Even when my parents were together, my dad put me above my mother so....I have been put up on this princess pedestal. I do know how childish and immature that sounds. It's how I feel. Somehow, I need to come to terms with the fact that I'm not the only one anymore. I know thus far it all sounds small and petty....but it's not just these few little things. When Alex has his appendix taken out he didn't come to the hospital to see him but he did when my brother did. Two ...maybe three phone calls....and none since we came home from the hospital. He could be keeping his distance because he thinks I'm still pissed about how things went down with the divorce. I had to clean up his mess which yeah I am still mad about but I'm getting over it. Now I'm starting to wonder since I've mentioned it three times now. Honestly, I think it has nothing to do with that. As selfish as it sounds, it really is all about me and how I'm being treated. I was mad ....because of that...I pushed him away. Now I'm pouting about it. Yes, I do acknowledge the stupidity and childishness of it all on my part. I'm also not sure how to fix it. I'm going to call him when I get off work tomorrow. I would call him tonight but my mother is here and I don't want to have that conversation with her here. It would make things even the more awkward that it is.   

Day 3 of Tim's antics

Today is the third day that Tim has been yelling, screaming and basically bitching about everything. First he was upset because Alex didn't go out and train Flash at the exact moment that Tim said. Grant it, Alex should've  went out and trained the dog. But he didn't thus so Tim went off the deep end. He started yelling--literally yelling.  Stating that Alex is a bad kid and he never listens....blah blah blah. He does listen. At times, he thinks he's rebelling against whatever teens are rebelling against. There are a few things that Tim was correct about...such as Alex should've done what he was told without flying off at the mouth. Tim should've tried to hit Alex with a closed fist though according to Tim, he never intended to hit Alex. Tim keeps going on and on about it. To Tim the only punishment for the children is spankings something which I really prefer not to use. I have spanked the twins after they destroy things or make severe messes.
Right now, Tim is talking to his mother which is just making the situation worse than better because she is blaming everything on me and Alex instead of making Tim realize that his reactions are over the top. He was angry after only a few minutes of speaking with Alex. This isn't a normal "I'm pissed off" kind of thing either. No this is I'm going to hurt or kill someone. I always stop Tim when he's like this because I'm scared he's going to hurt someone.
I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle from Tim. Everyday, it's something new. Yesterday, it was I'm a bitch and ask too much from him. He is depressed. That's why he can't do anything around the house. He hasn't done any type of housework since May. I've done everything with Alex helping occasionally. Yesterday, I asked him why he doesn't help around the house more. Yes I probably didn't use very good tact. It would be a different story if he worked a lot but he doesn't. He doesn't work at all. He's a student. An online student. He's always home. But yet I'm the one who scrubs the kitchen floor and the bathroom down. I'm the only one who does laundry and puts it away. I'm tired. I'm tired of working and going to school full time. I'm tired of being the only one who does anything around the house.
The day before he started a fight because he wanted sex while I was sleeping. It's my fault because I didn't wake up when he wanted sex!?! For crying out loud! I was sleeping. Instead we fought for over three hours about everything from lack of sex to how his PTSD is not being treated to how I was raised was wrong because I was not abused as a child and I grew up with both of my parents.

Thus it begins....

Day 1
I am in search of a MFA program--actually a low residency MFA program to attend next academic year. As per my advisor I should be shopping for programs this summer, taking the GRE in the fall and have everything finalized by December. Or so I'm told. Easier said than done. Today, I begin step 1: shop for MFA programs that meet the criteria I need. The issue with that is...I need convenience of location and a program with assistantships which will pay for my education. Thus far I have only found 1. It's not lookin good. I will have to expand my search beyond the Great Lakes region (well actually, I've only searched Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky, and Michigan). Maybe I do want to go somewhere warm or in the New England region. Who knows at this point? I may change my mind and decide I need a full residency program. Time will tell. My little guys are why I prefer the low residency program. I want to be home with them instead of stuck in a classroom all day either teaching or as a student. We just moved into this nice little house with one acre of yard for them to run and play. If I attend a full residency, I will have to upheaval them back into a tiny apartment. I feel bad enough for making them tolerate my evening classes and such. My goal is for the low residency program. Maybe I will find a program in Massachusetts or North Carolina  which will better suit my needs both financially and academically.

karma

Tonight, I was IMing my father. He was trying to talk me into attending his new in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. Now why in the world would I want to attend that? According to him, it's because they are family now. They want us there. Yeah right! My ass! I don't know why they even give a shit about us. I don't even know their names. I have only met these people maybe...three times. If that. I just don't feel connected to them at all. Besides just because one marries doesn't make you family....it just means you're related. To me, family is who looks out for you and cares for you and on occasion...will drop you a line just to see how you are. Right now, I guess I'm overly critical of others. I'm in a very distrustful place. Too many people have lied to me including my father. With him, I placed him on a pedestal way too high. A pedestal he should not have even been on. I could still be frustrated about the goings from this week. I need to find a way to purge all this anxiety and frustration. I only hope that my frustrations and such will be purged soon. I'm not sure how much longer my emotions can stand to be within myself. I must find way to purge them. Let the brain storming begin.

stupid lives.....

I'm really not sure where to start....this week I really do feel like I'm on the brink of losing my mind. Part of me just wants to walk away from all the bullshit. I have never had someone take credit for my work. It happened today. A co worker of mine is telling everyone that she does this and she does that. I found out that she took complete credit for a project that I did. She said she worked on it for the last few day....yeah right...it took me one day to do. I'm not sure if I'm more upset about her taking credit for my work or the fact that she lied about my role in the project. She isn't the first person to lie to/about me this week.  This is instance number two from numerous people. People can be incredibly two faced. Perhaps they may not have intended for it to come across that way but it did. I'm incredibly upset about it and for some reason I can't use my words. Nothing has helped me with calming down. I wish I could find a way to relax and find a way to deal with the stupid shit.

another day

Ok, so today is my birthday. No big deal. Just another day. That's the way it's been since I was 12. I'm not upset by it nor am I happy about but for some reason everybody wants to stop and say "happy birthday" or "hope ur having a relaxing day today." Yeah right. I guess it kinda annoys me because if it wasn't for forgetting to take my birthday off facebook...no one would have said a word. I guess it just feels fake like they are only saying it because the computer told them it was today. I bet if facebook didn't have it on there then nothing. Nada. Same as last year and the year before and so forth. Another reason why it bothers me is because I don't celebrate my birthday.. hell I didn't even have a 16th birthday party. For a girl that's a big deal. On my 21st, I bought a bottle of something and went home drank it with Tim after Alex went to bed that night. www.facebook.com

Money to rule us all

Why does it always seem like everything revolves around money whether ones doesn't have enough of it or an abundance. When we all die it comes down to what will I get from them....money, possessions.... Is this all we are just things? Obviously. So since that is the case this leave me in a dilemma since I am one of those few unfortunate souls who have a lack of money. This is almost the worst time of year too seeing that the Christmas season will soon be upon us. What's a person to do in this economic crisis? It's not like one can just walk out and get a job (although I have one but doesn't pay enough to even cover my bills). I'm sure some way some how it will all work out but at the moment I am stressed.

not a good start

This morning was not the best start to my day. I woke up to screaming children then a crabby husband gripping about how the oldest is playing the PS3 without permission. Honestly, how can he ask permission when everyone is asleep? I thought it was stupid especially since Tim hopped on the thing mere seconds after he kicked Alex off. Selfish jerk. I think he was just mad because he's scared the boy will start to get better than he is on it and he does want that.
All morning Mathew has been yelling at the twins. I lost count how many times I've told him to quit yelling. It's just a game. He gets so emotional over a stupid game.
Flash won't shut up because he wants attention. Put him outside he whines, bring him in and he has to be constantly watched because he's a puppy. Tim and Alex put him in his cage too often. I feel bad for the little fellow when he gets stuck in there because no one wants to watch him to make sure he's not gettin into stuff.

romance dwendling

Christina, my best friend since i was 14 and my sister in law is having marriage problems. I am ashamed to say.....I knew it was coming since the day they began dating. I am even more ashamed that I almost feel happy about it. Happy because I have always believed they were not right for each other. My favorite picture of her she was a gorgeous happy 16 year with very few worries. A year later, she lost her boyfriend to a tragic car accident and within a few months, she is married to Rex pregnant with Jada. I have felt that she was robbed of some of her teen years by marrying Rex. Part of me understands why she did--she was grieving for her boyfriend. In a way, it was like Rex took advantage of her grieving. After Chris found out she was pregnant, he wanted her to sever ties with Eric's family and made her return all of Eric's stuff to his parents. I could be bias because I didn't like Rex from the start but he treated her good even though they were always struggling for money. There has always been one thing about him that I always hated. It still bothers me.....he treats her as if she is his possession. She is his. Nobody belongs to another person. That statement just burns me up. It makes me want to smack the shit out of him while telling him this is 2009--not 1950! No woman is a man's possession.
But at the same time, she's my friend--my sister. She's hurting. I want so badly to just take all the pain away to make things better. I wish I could just fix it. She told me she was broken and can't be fixed. I wish I could just piece everything back together for her. But I know only she can do that. She has to fix herself. She has to fix her family whether it's with or without Rex.

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Mother Nature is a manatical bitch

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I have been sick all day because Eve ate the stupid apple thus women for all time must pay for her stupidity. Now, every month I get so sick that I have to go to the doctor. For awhile, I had to take birth control pills just to find some sort of relief. They are no longer working. Well they might if I hadn't ran out. I really hate PMDD. I almost feel like I'm pregnant again sometimes its worse--labor. Oh, the days where I would get nauseous from smells or the "look" of food. Oh! Wait with this damn PMDD I do. I have felt like throwing up all day. I just I'll have to break down and go to the doctor but I hate taking pills. I always forget to take them. I hate the mood swings, headaches, acne breakouts (as if I'm still a teen), the nausea, the excruciating cramps in the abdomen and the lower back. Oh the "pleasures" of being a woman. It's days like these where I would love to kick Eve's ass for eating the fruit. Why couldn't she just listen? That was the only rule. Just one simple rule. Ane she had to break it. Causing suffering for women to the end of time.

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literature and headaches

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I was working on my Irish Lit homework earlier today (I still have a few more things to do for it), I just had to take a break. Don't get me wrong, I love the topics we are reading about. The rich culture and background of Ireland is very intriguing. I am fascinated by other cultures especially European. But one of the things we have to do each week is find topics or subtopics for our research paper that goes along with the reading. Even if it doesn't apply to your paper topic, it will apply to someone else's. After digging through IU's online database, I was just burned out. Yeah, I probably should have just done a load of laundry or some other household chore that only takes 15-20 minutes to complete instead of Facebook which wasted over 2 hours. Now, I will need to not only get a bit of housework done but also cook dinner and finish up this week's homework.
I'm sure it doesn't help that this particular paper is giving me fits. I didn't realize there is so little on Irish Women's Literature. Actually, very little on Irish Literature period let alone women's. It's a bit frustrating to find find very little on an entire country filled with such literary greats as James Joyce and Flannery O'Connor. Why is it that so little is written about women's writers? I suppose some of it is due to the fact that women were unable to write publicly until well after the Victorian era. I still feel women are rubbed of something. Women have robbed by men since the dawn of time though that is a totally different topic altogether.

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stress and laundry

Why does everything seem worse when there is a boatload of laundry to do? Do the two really have a connection? Though I seriously doubt it.....it does occur quite often for me. Instead of stressing about the big things that I really should be upset about I stress about the damn laundry. There's too much of in the bedroom....my hamper is overflowing. Why is it that no one....and I mean no one can actually put clothes in the hamper instead of in front of, beside, behind the hamper? Is it embedded in the Y chromosome to not put clothes in the hamper? A friend told me no though I am not sure I believe him. Honestly, what's it matter whether or not all the clothes in the bathroom are washed or if the boys' hamper is absolutely empty but the floor is unseen. In the big picture of it all.....it doesn't matter. As long as the whole family has clean clothes does it matter if ALL the clothes are clean? No. But then if I don't obsesses about something as small and minuscule as the laundry then what? The dishes? Or the dust on the dragons? The laundry is a distraction from the important things....like money, schoolwork, work issues, friend issues, Tim's issues and/or problems, ect.

A frustrating Day

The day has not been one of the peachiest. I had a very restless sleep. The entire day all i have heard is children fighting and bickering with one another. Alex had an attitude problem for a bit and Mathew was just whining. Nothing bad has happened today though nothing good has either. For some reason I have pretty frustrated with everyone and everything. If one person whines just a little.....it gets on my nerves as if they have been carrying on for hours. It could just be that I am frustrated period and it is carrying over onto the children. Maybe things will be better after they go to bed. Why do the twins like to run throughout the apartment when they know it's against the rules? I swear they plot...."let's figure out what else we can do to make mom mad."
It's only 8:30pm and.....oh the kids are soooo wired. and now Tim wants to go to the hospital just because his ear has excessive wax build up that is blocking his hearing a bit. It bothers me since I've had an ear infection for almost two weeks with only partial hearing and yet he goes to the hospital just for some ear wax. It's like come on really? He goes to the hospital for all kinds of things instead of waiting until the doctor office opens to see the doctor.

Other people's stupidity

I am mad, frustrated at other people. First off, I am extremely disappointed with a co-worker of mine for his lack of responsibility and leadership. Part of me just wants to yell at him and ask him what the hell was he thinking? Why didn't he do anything about the situation and why in the hell didn't he step up? But I can not do any of this ....why? Because of the way I found this information. Well, sorda. It's a little complicated but part of the info was told to me while at work thus anything I hear, see, or otherwise is confidential thus one of the reasons why I can not speak to him about it although, I did have one friend call me on the cell to tell me her story of it. I'm sure this is all very confusing to readers and thus I apologize for that but part of me really wants to get this off my chest....even if its in pieces. Because of this incident, I am worried about this co-worker. I'm worried that he will get into a lot of trouble. Although, if the stories are true in whole or part---he deserves to be punished in some way or other. I have mixed feeling about that. If he is punished, I know the first thing my boss will do....take away a project I have been pushing my co-working into doing. The whole situation is very disappointing. I can't say I'm entirely surprised by some of the incidences by certain people. I am disappointed in my co-worker. Now, I am thinking back to other things my co-worker has done.....I really shouldn't be surprised. something similiar happened before though not as extreme. I believe what really got to me is when my boss told me he would have to consult the Dean of Students and the Vice-Chancellor about this incident and order an investigation. Even if parts of what was told to me are untrue.....it doesn't sound good. Part of me is mad because yes he should have stepped up taken the leadership role, but he wouldn't had to if others had been mature enough to act like adults instead of childish inbaseals. I want to scram and cry all at the same time. Orginally, I couldn't figure out why I was so emotional about it all then I realized its because my co-worker is a friend and pretty alright guy thus I don't want anything bad to happen to him. When someone hurts my friends, I take it very personally.