My future

I'm in the process of making some major life changes. At the moment I'm stuck at a crossroad, the only thing I know is :i need to return to college for a master's degree. Herein lies my dilemma....I've been substituting at various school districts throughout darke county. I do enjoy it....I don't love it like some of my former classmates do. I think that maybe a problem. I'm not sure. I have figured out I'm not comfortable with the elementary kids...they listen to me with zero problems, but those LOL middle freak me out. I'm afraid that I won't teach them enough for the next phase of their education. Did I only choose education because I thought it would be easy or due to actually enjoying the jr/sr high schoolers?
If secondary education is not my destiny or whatever ya want to call it.....then what is? Before I finished my bachelor's degree, I was contemplating a master's in student affairs. Technically, both are education degrees.  I do enjoy helping students. Maybe that's why this is such a difficult decision. Anything worth doing comes with challenges....if its too easy....its not worth it. It could be this is my challenge. The first hurdle to complete....what degree to choose. Sahe or secondary ed.

uncertain....times???

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I feel like I am at a crossroads. I know my last posting was about much the same as I am beginning. I'm feelin the pressure to figure out what to do. Should I continue with the degree I've started? Should I do something completely different? Do I take a chance by taking classes on campus and taking time away from my kiddos. How much different is it taking classes on campus than it is to have a full time job? Tim is pressuring me to get a job....any job. I don't want just any job. I want something that I'll be happy doing. I want to work with students,  well...people in general. If I work with great people, it makes the most mundane task so much better. I had a job interview at the local paper. I don't think I'm on their short list (I wish I would be). This interview made me realize how much I miss writing. Asking questions, trying to figure something out even if I think it's boring and stupid....someone else may need that information. It's my job to give them that information. Well, it would've been had I received the offer for the position....but at the moment it doesn't appear it will happen. On to the next .......I don't know what will happen but I'm going to keep my options open (except for factory work....I would rather...well it severely damages my ego to the point I get depressed). I get so upset about the factory job offers because I went to college only to come back and do the exact same thing I did before getting my degree?!? Really? I don't think so. I have improved myself. I am edu-acated....lol. I feel my hard work and  dedication should be worth a bit more. But it doesn't feel like it. In the mean time, I'm going to re-decorate the house and spend time with my kiddos. Appreciate time to myself, with my family. 

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on the brink....of....??

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I feel I'm on verge of something, but I don't know what that might be. A new adventure would be nice though many adventures require fundage which I am quite short of. That might not be the best thing (unless it's a free adventure). I notice that I tend to feel this way every few years. I get very unsettled when I don't know what's going to happen next. Even though, I have only recently (the last few years) began goal setting for myself....I am at a crossroads without one. For the last five years, my goal was to graduate with my Bachelor degree in English. Did that. Now, what? It has been almost a year since my graduation. I figured that the time would help me figure out what I wanted to be when I decided to grow up. That hasn't happened. While I wait, and contemplate, I enrolled in a Master's program. For the most part, I enjoy it. I question whether or not this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Do I really want to hold college students' hands through their academic career? Last year, I would've said heck yeah...no Hell yeah. I was all gun ho. But now? I wonder if I just decided on this degree because it was easy for me. It's something I already know. For the most part, I get it. But do I want something easy? Or am I looking at this all wrong? Maybe it's not "easy" but something that comes natural to me. This really is my destined career. My undergraduate mentors were able to see it before I did. But I have had this fascination with Marketing. I think that is why I am really questioning my choice of degree. What if my friend Mandy hadn't told me that I would be an English major? What degree would I have went with (because I know it wouldn't have been Nursing as I originally thought)? I wonder if I would have chosen Marketing. The only setback for that degree is the amount of math...ugh I hated math. I was always good at Algebra but anything else eludes me.  Anyway, I choose English because my English Composition professors informed me I have a natural talent for writing. I have always loved reading and writing as a child. It seemed to be a no brainer. Sadly, no one told me that I would have problems getting a job without going to grad school until my Senior year. By then, my degree is complete....thanks a lot for the heads up.
I feel like something is waiting for me on the other side of....? Is it something good? Or just more heartache and time intensive work for little to no rewards. I'm not looking for a total payday. I just want something that keeps me motivated everyday. I want to go to work. I look forward to seeing my co-workers. Yes, it would be nice if I could live comfortably, but in this economy--it's highly doubtful.

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my grandma

Most people have this nice sweet grandma. Not me....well not in the sense that comes to my mind. The problem between me and my Grandma Dotson (my dad'd mom) is: we are exactly alike. You have no idea how much saying that pains me. It has taken me years to confront this. Only until recently that I have accepted it. I mean recent as in less than 5 mins ago. Since my graduation, I have been re-evaluating things in my life. Things I've done right, and wrong. One big thing keeps coming back to me. Family. When I was going up family was always together either on my mother's side or my father's. I was always surrounded by aunts and uncles..and food. There was always food. Now, no one hardly speaks to each other. My grandma has spoken to me since my grandfather's funeral. That breaks my heart more than losing him. Let me tell you....that a lot. My grandpa was the sole reason I spoke to my grandmother. She never showed much love. She is a cheap skate. Always hard on me more than any other of her 15+ grandchildren. For the last few nights, all I can think about is her. Though we butted heads more than we got along, she's still my grandma. She taught me how to make peanut butter cookies and her special "sheet cake."
All these thoughts about her and mostly my grandpa, I remember a conversation with a co-worker and my grandma's preacher's wife (the same person). She told me instead of thinking about all the reasons why I don't get along with grandma think of all the good times when we got along. That's what's has me up till after 2 am. The numerous happy memories with my grandma. She wasn't the evil wench that I thought she was as a teen nor the trouble maker as some in our community used to say. The little 5 foot woman who taught me how to bake and make fried eggs on an electric griddle. She complimented me for not getting burned at the camper (though she knew I NEVER burned even after being in the sun for hours).

All this reminiscing, reminds me of a saying "it takes a village to raise a child." I had a village: 4 grandparents, and 8 aunts and uncles (not including spouses or girl/boyfriends). I miss my village. I feel that my kids are missing out by not having a village. They need a village.
I know before I can plan out my future and where to go from here; I need to fix my past. I need to fix my relationships with my grandmother and probably my father. I'm sure many more family members, but one person at a time. I also have to come to terms with my grandfather's death, which happened almost 3 years ago but I still cry like a baby at the mention of his name let alone anything else. I'm sure it's not healthy that I haven't been back to his gravesite since his funeral. The reason is because then his death will be real. I don't want it to be. He was my wisest elder who kept my other elder in line. Now, I only have 3 elders (though it feels like I only have 2). Now, my only debate is whether I should call my grandmother and speak to her or write her a letter telling her how I feel. I know one way or another, I need to. 

insomniac writing

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I have been trying to sleep for the last two hours. Finally, I decided to get up and do something. What's the first thing I grab? My laptop. Should be a good sign? Not really. Only because the first thing I do is log into Facebook. I think this is the first sign that I am on Facebook waaay too much. If I am wondering what others are saying after midnight or curious if anyone has responded to my postings ....worse yet...if anyone has been added to a new game I found in Facebook. Do I have enough "allies" to finish my building? Do I have enough energy to complete the next task? Yeah, I'm that pathetic now. I tried to tell myself, "I will not get on Facebook tomorrow!" Repeated with more emphasis, "I WILL not get on Facebook....for more than an hour!" Seriously, What is wrong with me? Nothing important happens on Facebook and the games are well, just games. They can wait until I send out resumes, cover letters, and make my phone calls. They can wait until I get the dishes done and the bathroom put together.
The bigger issue for me is why am I avoiding things? Am I afraid of what I will find? Or scared of rejection?Could be. Tomorrow will tell.

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Boredom from being a successful student

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In two days, I will be graduating with my Bachelor of Arts in English with honors might I add. I feel very privileged to be graduating with such an honor, I don't want Friday to come. I don't because that will mean an end to my undergraduate career. I know, I should be looking forward to the future with working and graduate school--I'm petrified. I don't want to leave the safety of my undergrad umbrella. I'm scared. Due to this utter fear, I haven't sent out any resumes or applications. I know that is what I should be doing. Pounding the pavement, dredging up whatever I can to pay back my loans and support by boys. I can't. Instead, I have sat on this sofa for two days wallowing in self pity. First, it was due to the fact, I had nothing to push forward to. No homework deadlines. No professors pushing me. Nothing. I was lost that first day. I was miserable. I still feel like that. That was followed by "what now?" I decided it would best for me to take a year off to figure out exactly what I want to do. Do I want to go to grad school? If so, for what? English? Student Affairs in Higher Education? Writing? Or do I just want to get a job to support my family? I don't know (I will need to work in some form to pay the bills). I feel deadlocked. To make matters worse, I spent my entire weekend, last week revising a paper only to get a C. Hell, I shouldn't have revised it so much. I should have left it as the block style instead of the integration form I went with. I'm mad at myself for that. I should be celebrating how great it is to be completing my degree. Instead, I'm moping.
I'm sure it doesn't help that my mother's side of the family and my father's are bickering about whether they have to sit together. I want to scream at them and say "GET OVER YOURSELF!! THIS IS MY GRADUATION. AND YOU'RE RUINING IT!" They are why I'm not having a party. I'm also a bit upset because I have won a bunch of awards lately but to them it's not enough or it's no big deal. HELLO! It is a big deal when only one person gets this award a year. It's a big freakin deal! Right now, everyone sucks. 
To top it all off, I'm bored. Yeah, I have housework to do and resume stuff. Do I do it? Nah. Instead, I waste my time on Facebook. Why? Well why not? Ok, I did get 97% of the laundry done. But my butt hasn't made it to the kitchen yet to clean. I must get that done today or well it's just not sanitary otherwise. No matter how lazy I am....dishes always get done. 

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One more day

Anxiety is slowly diminishing. I have moments where I can breathe. I wish it was more than just moments though I know soon I will only have moments of anxiety--that's what I'm striving for. Vacation begins tomorrow after work. I have finished my Virtual CV assignment for Natalia--all I have left for it, is the reflection. Jean, I have to write a non fiction piece about nature. That should be fairly easy though I will want to sit in nature and just listen. The words will flow on their own. Nature will write the story. I want to model my story after Scott Sander's piece, "Master of Nature." I hope that's the name of the story. He wrote such and eloquent and calming story. The calmness of that story captivated my attention. It could be because I was having such a hectic day; I read the story while on lunch break. The story had such a zen like affect on me. The timing of reading it was perfect due to the whirlwind of a day I was having.
One more day is how I end tonight's blog. One more day till my relaxation on the beach with a book and my notebook. One more day till I will be able to write in peace while the twins play in the sand.

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