My future

I'm in the process of making some major life changes. At the moment I'm stuck at a crossroad, the only thing I know is :i need to return to college for a master's degree. Herein lies my dilemma....I've been substituting at various school districts throughout darke county. I do enjoy it....I don't love it like some of my former classmates do. I think that maybe a problem. I'm not sure. I have figured out I'm not comfortable with the elementary kids...they listen to me with zero problems, but those LOL middle freak me out. I'm afraid that I won't teach them enough for the next phase of their education. Did I only choose education because I thought it would be easy or due to actually enjoying the jr/sr high schoolers?
If secondary education is not my destiny or whatever ya want to call it.....then what is? Before I finished my bachelor's degree, I was contemplating a master's in student affairs. Technically, both are education degrees.  I do enjoy helping students. Maybe that's why this is such a difficult decision. Anything worth doing comes with challenges....if its too easy....its not worth it. It could be this is my challenge. The first hurdle to complete....what degree to choose. Sahe or secondary ed.

Writing & Panic attacks

I am trying to figure out why I feel a tightening in my stomach every time I sit down to write. Or I will draw complete blanks. I will completely forget the scene I was about to write. I can't come up with another scene....I haven't been able to clearly formulate a scene for days. I need to get on the ball and get something figured out whether it be from the beginning middle or end. I need to get something down.
*scene ideas*
--Liz's miscarriage
--Casey's OD and the after effects
--Josh's leave
I will come back to this blog so as to give me inspiration to write. I will begin writing about the three scenes above. Casey's story should be very good..since she has a little girl maybe about toddler years? Liz has to move from her loss of her own baby to caring for this cute little girl who has been through a trying experience with her mother who is addicted to some type of drug (I'll specify the drug at a later date possibly as I am writing). I feel very surreal right now. I have a plan I know where the story is going, I know what I am doing for the next week. I have goals. I have plans. I have something to count.

A new perspective

Today, I am going to have a new attitude about how my life is going. I noticed that lately I've been pretty negative--this is just not me. I am usually very optimistic. I decided that even if I am in a sour mood and I want to say "fuck it all--who cares" I will not. Instead, I will peel my butt up and move. Return to my yoga. Read as much as I can. Write as much as possible. Be as productive as I can even when I feel life trying to kick my butt. I will fight back instead just taking it. I've wallowed, and felt sorry for myself.No more. Wallowing has ended. Pessimism has ended. I am taking control back. It doesn't matter that my health is not the best--other people have it much worse than I. All that matters is focus. Focusing on the future. Next week, next month, next year, it's all part of the bigger picture. I've lost focus of the big picture. Now that picture is blurred. I know it will take awhile to get the goggles off in order to see the picture. Or I might have to make a new one. Who knows? But I do know where I need to go in the short term in order to create my long term. Maybe the picture will refocus or I'll have a brand new one. Either way....things will change in a positive way/direction.

lost

I feel like I am just wandering through life lately without any real purpose. I get up go to work come home, eat get kids to bed, watch tv a bit, go to bed. Same ole, same ole. Its funny because I love routine but lately I really hate it--almost despise it. Maybe its because what I really want to do is write. That what I need to do, so why do I put it off. I feel the pressure of others telling that I need to write--to be published but yet I write very little. Am I sabotaging myself? Do I not want to succeed? Or am I scared of what will happen if I do? It could be the opposite too--scared of rejection and/or failure. What I need to do is pull up my big girl panties and write. Not listen to what others tell me about writing or publishing (all that takes the fun out of writing). Go escape to my writing. Let it release me from the mundane routine of life.

Overwhelmed!

I am extremely relieved that the semester is finally over. Yea! But on the down side of that is now I have to really focus on my writing. For some reason this scared the shit out of me. I think it's because now....I'm not just pretending to be a writer, I am a writer. As a writer, there are certain expectations which come with this label such as being a published writer. Really, is one a writer if they are not published? Are they just pretending if not published? OH geez that first rejection! Ouch! Always hurts. Could not being published the fear of rejection instead of fear of writing--the fear of truth? Why write? Do I have to? Sometimes--yes I do. But other times--no. So then why go through all the hassle? There are better writers. There are worse. So why torture yourself? Writing can at times be torturous. But it also calms me. I feel at peace while in my writing world. It's a place where I am someone else. Someone with different worries and different problems. Someone who is like me but not. Someone who lives like me but doesn't. Someone who despises me but loves me. It's a world where I can be completely myself or the opposite.
This could be why I am having problems focusing on my current writing project, I don't want to be me. The characters are very much like me. Almost too much. I feel like in a way they are me. That is scary. Rejection is scary. I'm just scared, and I don't like that.

Money issues

It is a beautiful day outside, but I have been stuck inside all day, doing housework and homework. I'm trying to figure out how to solve my financial dilemma. I can do workstudy this summer but that is a bit of a double edged sword. If I do work this summer then I have to take a class or two something that I really can't afford to do. But at the same time I really need to work--I'm stuck. I would just get a part time job but with this economy....thats unrealistic. I am really stressing about it.

fakers

I am really sick of people who act one way then do another. I could me upset because this person said she didn't want to do something but when Too Tall asked her she jumped on it even fighting to get it. I don't think that's right. I mean really. If you don't care then why fight for it. If you do care then express it. I believe I am just done with all of it. I'm going to be like Dottie and say to hell with it all. If other people want to be kiss asses then fine....let them. I'm not like that. If you want my help fine but don't ask for it then treat me like an idiot or disregard my opinion when you're the idiot who asked. I mean seriously??? That's just freakin mean. I'm sure I've been carrying this for way longer than I should. I really need to just let it go. Besides I do have other things to obsess about .....more important things like homework ....my writing...my kids...my household in general.
I can't believe that this semester is over already! I'm glad and sad at the same time. I'm sad cause Randy and Ranae are graduating ....so sad. But at the same time I am really burned out. I need a break. I was going to take the summer off but nooooo Michelle had to ask for 20 workstudy hours for the summer so now I need to take a class or two. UGH! Oh well....worse things could happen.

The Shoe that drops

This is an exercise from on of my writing books......The Lie That Tells the Truth by John Dufresne. I am going to do these exercises for my characters of my novel.

"What do you think is missing in your life?" shouts the evangelist from the small box-shaped television sitting atop of the counter behind the bubble gum popping, long, bright red painted acrylic nailed attendant with bright red lipstick and way too much blush on her tiny cheeks. She scans his items between pops of the bright blue gum. "That'll be $20.96," pop, slurp. Josh tosses $21 walks out the door thinking about that question. What is missing? It's true something is. Other than normalcy. Nothing is normal anymore. Nothing has been normal for months. Car honks at him for stepping in front of it though he barely notices. Six months before he noticed everything and everyone. He had to. If he didn't people died. People died.......he was surrounded by death. He couldn't escape it. Enemies, friends, buddies, strangers, children, women......they all died. He didn't. He didn't even get hurt. Why? Was it an act of GOD like his mother said? Or was he just lucky? Nah....can't be luck......if that was the case life would be different. He wouldn't be wondering through life questioning everyone and everything.