insomniac writing

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I have been trying to sleep for the last two hours. Finally, I decided to get up and do something. What's the first thing I grab? My laptop. Should be a good sign? Not really. Only because the first thing I do is log into Facebook. I think this is the first sign that I am on Facebook waaay too much. If I am wondering what others are saying after midnight or curious if anyone has responded to my postings ....worse yet...if anyone has been added to a new game I found in Facebook. Do I have enough "allies" to finish my building? Do I have enough energy to complete the next task? Yeah, I'm that pathetic now. I tried to tell myself, "I will not get on Facebook tomorrow!" Repeated with more emphasis, "I WILL not get on Facebook....for more than an hour!" Seriously, What is wrong with me? Nothing important happens on Facebook and the games are well, just games. They can wait until I send out resumes, cover letters, and make my phone calls. They can wait until I get the dishes done and the bathroom put together.
The bigger issue for me is why am I avoiding things? Am I afraid of what I will find? Or scared of rejection?Could be. Tomorrow will tell.

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Boredom from being a successful student

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In two days, I will be graduating with my Bachelor of Arts in English with honors might I add. I feel very privileged to be graduating with such an honor, I don't want Friday to come. I don't because that will mean an end to my undergraduate career. I know, I should be looking forward to the future with working and graduate school--I'm petrified. I don't want to leave the safety of my undergrad umbrella. I'm scared. Due to this utter fear, I haven't sent out any resumes or applications. I know that is what I should be doing. Pounding the pavement, dredging up whatever I can to pay back my loans and support by boys. I can't. Instead, I have sat on this sofa for two days wallowing in self pity. First, it was due to the fact, I had nothing to push forward to. No homework deadlines. No professors pushing me. Nothing. I was lost that first day. I was miserable. I still feel like that. That was followed by "what now?" I decided it would best for me to take a year off to figure out exactly what I want to do. Do I want to go to grad school? If so, for what? English? Student Affairs in Higher Education? Writing? Or do I just want to get a job to support my family? I don't know (I will need to work in some form to pay the bills). I feel deadlocked. To make matters worse, I spent my entire weekend, last week revising a paper only to get a C. Hell, I shouldn't have revised it so much. I should have left it as the block style instead of the integration form I went with. I'm mad at myself for that. I should be celebrating how great it is to be completing my degree. Instead, I'm moping.
I'm sure it doesn't help that my mother's side of the family and my father's are bickering about whether they have to sit together. I want to scream at them and say "GET OVER YOURSELF!! THIS IS MY GRADUATION. AND YOU'RE RUINING IT!" They are why I'm not having a party. I'm also a bit upset because I have won a bunch of awards lately but to them it's not enough or it's no big deal. HELLO! It is a big deal when only one person gets this award a year. It's a big freakin deal! Right now, everyone sucks. 
To top it all off, I'm bored. Yeah, I have housework to do and resume stuff. Do I do it? Nah. Instead, I waste my time on Facebook. Why? Well why not? Ok, I did get 97% of the laundry done. But my butt hasn't made it to the kitchen yet to clean. I must get that done today or well it's just not sanitary otherwise. No matter how lazy I am....dishes always get done. 

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One more day

Anxiety is slowly diminishing. I have moments where I can breathe. I wish it was more than just moments though I know soon I will only have moments of anxiety--that's what I'm striving for. Vacation begins tomorrow after work. I have finished my Virtual CV assignment for Natalia--all I have left for it, is the reflection. Jean, I have to write a non fiction piece about nature. That should be fairly easy though I will want to sit in nature and just listen. The words will flow on their own. Nature will write the story. I want to model my story after Scott Sander's piece, "Master of Nature." I hope that's the name of the story. He wrote such and eloquent and calming story. The calmness of that story captivated my attention. It could be because I was having such a hectic day; I read the story while on lunch break. The story had such a zen like affect on me. The timing of reading it was perfect due to the whirlwind of a day I was having.
One more day is how I end tonight's blog. One more day till my relaxation on the beach with a book and my notebook. One more day till I will be able to write in peace while the twins play in the sand.

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countdown to a deadline

With my deadline fast approaching, I am stuck. I have yet to decide upon the topic of my nonfiction essay let alone write it. The time is ticking away. I know I should not be such a procrastinator but yet I did. I should've at least picked my topic a few days ago and did some sort of prewriting. Last night, I had this brilliant idea...I didn't stop and write it down instead I played it out in my head, allowed it to briskly walk out of my mind while I was eating supper. This afternoon while I was cleaning the pool another idea came to me about the purpose of blogging. I think I'll attempt this concept. The whole premise is to attempt to figure out why people blog. I know why I blog--at first it was because I know so many people who do...peer pressure made me begin. My love of writing is why I continue. Why do people blog about the best way to skim a pool or those damn mommy blogs to science geeks giving everyone their latest thoughts about microphysics--everyone has something to say. But why do we feel that everyone else wants to know about these latest and greatest epiphanies? It's not like those annoying mommy blogs are all that great--yes funny at times if you find the right blog but for the most part quite boring learning about how little Timmy made a pee two days in a row or how little Suzi has drawn on her floral walls again causing her mother to think the child has artistic talent when by the photo attached to the entry clearly shows little Suzi has the same artistic talent that every other three year has. Really what are we all accomplishing by blogging everyday or in some cases every hour? Do we really have that much to say? Are we that interesting?  In some cases, no. There's always that exception to the rule. That one person who does it for the sheer joy of writing and sharing ideas. Who wants to help others bake that vegan apple pie to perfection or to help little Johnny make a bird house for his scouting badge or just to share their day with someone else. Rest assured there is a blogger out there with your interest--there's a million of us out there sharing, posting, and vlogging.
The ending sucks. It needs work. A good start. Works still needs to be done. That's what editing is all about!!

Drought

What to write about....how hot and humid it is...nah. I'm not sure if there is an appropriate adjective to describe the tepid air, the non circulation of nothing, the stank of sweat, the stickiness of skin, the intake of air only for it to increase the heat of the room. The way everything thing feels....the dampness of the furniture to the film upon the wood. Nothing is as it should be. The drought is upon the Midwest with no desire to leave. What a bummer. I had high hopes of a fun summer outside with the boys only to be shut up inside due to the incredible humidity and heat. At times, we have said screw it, played out in the pool or with the twin's sprinkler toys though both are only short term distractions from the permeance  of the stagnant air. I do wish for a nice long cool rain.....to water my garden and cool things down. I'm sure if that did happen it would only make the humidity even higher and harder to breathe.

coming to terms

I'm not very happy with my father. He had a BBQ yesterday and called everyone but me. Why? What have I done to offend him or anyone else? Nothing. I would understand if I was or have been a bitchy little girl but I never have been. Actually, I've always been quite the opposite. Always doing what has been asked of me with little to no question. Took care of my depressed mother, kept a slight eye on my younger brothers which after a bit grew tiresome and I left it to my parents. Grant it my relationship with Dad has been strained for the past year or so since he divorced my mother and married his mistress. Yes, I am still a little upset about how the divorce went down and the lies told. I'm more upset with him because he lied to me. I want to be ok with everything. I really do pretend to be alright with it all, but sometimes it's not ok especially since he does all kinds of things with my brothers and her daughters. Him spending more time with her daughters is what upsets me the most. I know it could just be because I've always been daddy's little girl and now I question that. Really, I've only been the only girl he has taken care of...now there are four bitches who are getting more attention than me. Even when my parents were together, my dad put me above my mother so....I have been put up on this princess pedestal. I do know how childish and immature that sounds. It's how I feel. Somehow, I need to come to terms with the fact that I'm not the only one anymore. I know thus far it all sounds small and petty....but it's not just these few little things. When Alex has his appendix taken out he didn't come to the hospital to see him but he did when my brother did. Two ...maybe three phone calls....and none since we came home from the hospital. He could be keeping his distance because he thinks I'm still pissed about how things went down with the divorce. I had to clean up his mess which yeah I am still mad about but I'm getting over it. Now I'm starting to wonder since I've mentioned it three times now. Honestly, I think it has nothing to do with that. As selfish as it sounds, it really is all about me and how I'm being treated. I was mad ....because of that...I pushed him away. Now I'm pouting about it. Yes, I do acknowledge the stupidity and childishness of it all on my part. I'm also not sure how to fix it. I'm going to call him when I get off work tomorrow. I would call him tonight but my mother is here and I don't want to have that conversation with her here. It would make things even the more awkward that it is.   

karma

Tonight, I was IMing my father. He was trying to talk me into attending his new in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. Now why in the world would I want to attend that? According to him, it's because they are family now. They want us there. Yeah right! My ass! I don't know why they even give a shit about us. I don't even know their names. I have only met these people maybe...three times. If that. I just don't feel connected to them at all. Besides just because one marries doesn't make you family....it just means you're related. To me, family is who looks out for you and cares for you and on occasion...will drop you a line just to see how you are. Right now, I guess I'm overly critical of others. I'm in a very distrustful place. Too many people have lied to me including my father. With him, I placed him on a pedestal way too high. A pedestal he should not have even been on. I could still be frustrated about the goings from this week. I need to find a way to purge all this anxiety and frustration. I only hope that my frustrations and such will be purged soon. I'm not sure how much longer my emotions can stand to be within myself. I must find way to purge them. Let the brain storming begin.

stupid lives.....

I'm really not sure where to start....this week I really do feel like I'm on the brink of losing my mind. Part of me just wants to walk away from all the bullshit. I have never had someone take credit for my work. It happened today. A co worker of mine is telling everyone that she does this and she does that. I found out that she took complete credit for a project that I did. She said she worked on it for the last few day....yeah right...it took me one day to do. I'm not sure if I'm more upset about her taking credit for my work or the fact that she lied about my role in the project. She isn't the first person to lie to/about me this week.  This is instance number two from numerous people. People can be incredibly two faced. Perhaps they may not have intended for it to come across that way but it did. I'm incredibly upset about it and for some reason I can't use my words. Nothing has helped me with calming down. I wish I could find a way to relax and find a way to deal with the stupid shit.

another day

Ok, so today is my birthday. No big deal. Just another day. That's the way it's been since I was 12. I'm not upset by it nor am I happy about but for some reason everybody wants to stop and say "happy birthday" or "hope ur having a relaxing day today." Yeah right. I guess it kinda annoys me because if it wasn't for forgetting to take my birthday off facebook...no one would have said a word. I guess it just feels fake like they are only saying it because the computer told them it was today. I bet if facebook didn't have it on there then nothing. Nada. Same as last year and the year before and so forth. Another reason why it bothers me is because I don't celebrate my birthday.. hell I didn't even have a 16th birthday party. For a girl that's a big deal. On my 21st, I bought a bottle of something and went home drank it with Tim after Alex went to bed that night. www.facebook.com

Agnst

I'm not real sure what to write about today all I know is that I must write. I know not what of but something. I wish I could say I have something inspiring to say or witty but both elude me today. That could be because I was awaken abruptly by my boys or the headache or my bladder all of which informed me to get up. My mind wanted to stay in my unconscious state of bliss where I brillantly bring my stories together. It's a shame that I can't write these things down while in this state (believe me I've tried). I have found out that if the same images and story repeats at least three or more times; I'm actually able to remember it and thus able to get it written down. Odd as it is, I've been trying to repeat my dreams and thoughts when in this state of limbo. I'm hoping this will become a habit.
Shortly, after I awoke, the day has been slowly plummeting. First with Tim's grouchiness, then Alex's teen angst, followed by Mathew wanting to be like Alex, then the twins thinking they have free-will. All amounts to children who are unwilling to do their chores in order to play the wii. I must say that Tim has been helping around the house much more than before. It could be because I've been doing things which can be seen instead of the santitizing that is not easily recognizable. At this moment, Tim is organizing the garage which means I'll never find something I need from there, but at least it looks better than before. Mathew is finally getting himself in gear. Alex says after his shower he will motivate himself to get his stuff done, we'll see. The twins--well, they will have to motivated yet again because cartoons revolve what they do. I should be doing something other than this such as the laundry, reading my homework assignment, anything other than what I am doing. That's okay. I know I will get everything done. I always do.

Stalling

I should be doing my Journalism homework but instead I am surfing the web looking for new and different way to make a few bucks. When I say a few buck ....it's literally. I mean for each thing I do I only get a few cents for each. Is it really worth it? I'm not sure yet especially since I have very little time to begin with. This little project may fall to the way side especially since I have no idea what I'm really doing. We'll see how it all works out.
ok...now I have been getting a bit of writing done ...so yeah for me :) I may post it later but I'm unsure.

not a good start

This morning was not the best start to my day. I woke up to screaming children then a crabby husband gripping about how the oldest is playing the PS3 without permission. Honestly, how can he ask permission when everyone is asleep? I thought it was stupid especially since Tim hopped on the thing mere seconds after he kicked Alex off. Selfish jerk. I think he was just mad because he's scared the boy will start to get better than he is on it and he does want that.
All morning Mathew has been yelling at the twins. I lost count how many times I've told him to quit yelling. It's just a game. He gets so emotional over a stupid game.
Flash won't shut up because he wants attention. Put him outside he whines, bring him in and he has to be constantly watched because he's a puppy. Tim and Alex put him in his cage too often. I feel bad for the little fellow when he gets stuck in there because no one wants to watch him to make sure he's not gettin into stuff.

The slacker is leaving the building......

I know I have been slacking as of recently but seriously.....I needed to. I have been going and going and going for so long I almost forgot how to relax. Sadly, it took some time for me to relax. Now that summer is coming to a close, I need to get reactivated. I need to return to my writing....get out of the notes stage and into the writing phase. I also need to refresh myself with my french especially since I am working with Dottie--Miss Language herself. As of tomorrow....the slacker will leave. She is going on vacation so the serious side can return to kick some academic butt. I know I should start now....but my fun slacker side is asking for one more night. I felt this is only fair since Miss serious didn't leave when she was asked. She didn't leave till a week later. It's fair that I give the slacker another few hours. In the morning, she will be gone. We shall see how motivated Tim stays also. He was really on top of things this evening. He cooked dinner, and did his homework. I am hoping this new side of him stays for more than just a few hours. He made a healthy dinner and went for a run this morning though personally, I am questioning this supposed run but why question something so frivolous. It's only hurting him but lying about exercising when he's not. It does hurt my feeling a bit. I know he lies when he's feeling self-conscious of himself. I know returning to school is an area he's very uncomfortable with especially since he was not the best student in high school. He hardly ever attended school let alone actually do homework. This is something he is very unfamiliar with. These are things I try to remember when he lies. I know he doesn't do it on purpose....when I do call him out it causes more problems than just letting it go. I bruise his ego when I do. I need to remember that guys' ego are fragile and if the ego is not fed often enough it leads down a very dark and lonely path.

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Mother Nature is a manatical bitch

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I have been sick all day because Eve ate the stupid apple thus women for all time must pay for her stupidity. Now, every month I get so sick that I have to go to the doctor. For awhile, I had to take birth control pills just to find some sort of relief. They are no longer working. Well they might if I hadn't ran out. I really hate PMDD. I almost feel like I'm pregnant again sometimes its worse--labor. Oh, the days where I would get nauseous from smells or the "look" of food. Oh! Wait with this damn PMDD I do. I have felt like throwing up all day. I just I'll have to break down and go to the doctor but I hate taking pills. I always forget to take them. I hate the mood swings, headaches, acne breakouts (as if I'm still a teen), the nausea, the excruciating cramps in the abdomen and the lower back. Oh the "pleasures" of being a woman. It's days like these where I would love to kick Eve's ass for eating the fruit. Why couldn't she just listen? That was the only rule. Just one simple rule. Ane she had to break it. Causing suffering for women to the end of time.

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stress and laundry

Why does everything seem worse when there is a boatload of laundry to do? Do the two really have a connection? Though I seriously doubt it.....it does occur quite often for me. Instead of stressing about the big things that I really should be upset about I stress about the damn laundry. There's too much of in the bedroom....my hamper is overflowing. Why is it that no one....and I mean no one can actually put clothes in the hamper instead of in front of, beside, behind the hamper? Is it embedded in the Y chromosome to not put clothes in the hamper? A friend told me no though I am not sure I believe him. Honestly, what's it matter whether or not all the clothes in the bathroom are washed or if the boys' hamper is absolutely empty but the floor is unseen. In the big picture of it all.....it doesn't matter. As long as the whole family has clean clothes does it matter if ALL the clothes are clean? No. But then if I don't obsesses about something as small and minuscule as the laundry then what? The dishes? Or the dust on the dragons? The laundry is a distraction from the important things....like money, schoolwork, work issues, friend issues, Tim's issues and/or problems, ect.

Anxious for vacation

This is where we are going for vacation! I can't wait. Get away from work, classes, worrying about every little thing. No worries for 7 days. I am ready to lay in the sun with a book while I watch the twins play on the beach. In the evenings, I will be on the enclosed porch swing watching the wildlife and basking in the stillness of the evening. I will enjoy every minute of tranquility. No tv, no radio (unless I break out the laptop which I will have to take because of my online class). Tim keeps talking about fishing from sun up to sun down. I don't think he'll be out that long each day but he'll try. He only talks about going fishing and being out on the boat all day. I think we should take the whole family out on a boat ride a day or two. Really I just want to be on the beach. I am soo ready to get outta here for awhile. I know everyone else is ready too. The kids are talking about what they want to do. Tim and his fishing.....all he talks about is fishing. He does really enjoy it for the life of me I have no idea why but he does. I believe I will need to begin a countdown to vacation.

Another cardinal......another mediocre

As I was pulling into a parking spot in Middlefork, a bright red cardinal flew over Tim's car heading towards the woods almost surrounding Middlefork parking lot. Yet again, I am wondering about this luck thing and cardinals. I have come to a conclusion.....it's crap! I know, it's like duh! But sometimes a memory is so strong along with the happy thoughts and feelings which come with it. I'm pretty sure it's the sight of the cardinal that brings the happiness not luck or any other supersitition anyone told me about. I'm not going to completely tarnish this happiness with the cardinal. I am still going to keep it. Well, afterall it does make me happy even if in that moment I forget about the happy memory and anything else happening at that current moment. I only think about how pretty this brightly colored red bird is.....and sometimes how few of them there are (although, I've been told the cardinal population is increasing sometime I should look this info up to verify.) I would continue to babble about for a few more moments, I won't instead I will end this posting so as I can write another 500 words or so on my scene.

good luck charms

When I was a kid my mom and granma told me if I saw a male cardinal/blue jay, I would have good luck all day long. As an adult, every spring and summer, I would look for these brightly colored birds. I would sit on my patio or porch watching the birds in my neighbors feeder or while walking on the trails. If by chance I did see one, my day would suddenly brighten. I would tell myself...."It's going to be a good day......I saw a cardinal flying in the tree or on the fence ect. It must be a sign for good things to come." Even if I had a bad day, the delusion would continue. "Well it wasn't today that means it must be tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a good day." It really odd how one believes in something as frivolous as a bird. I can say that it does help my mood when I'm having a fairly bad day to think that it must get better even if it is from the sight of a bird. For awhile, I thought all this good luck was due to the fact that these birds were my favorite birds. To be perfectly honest, they were my favorite because they were the only birds I knew by name. Why does this suddenly occur to me.....well why else? A cardinal flew over my car on my way to work this morning. He flew from one part of the woods to another crossing the small country road I was driving along. For the next five miles, I thought about the various times superstitious grandmother told me about cardinals. How they hold more good luck that the blue jays because blue jays are more common. Luck doesn't happen to common things.

Writing & Panic attacks

I am trying to figure out why I feel a tightening in my stomach every time I sit down to write. Or I will draw complete blanks. I will completely forget the scene I was about to write. I can't come up with another scene....I haven't been able to clearly formulate a scene for days. I need to get on the ball and get something figured out whether it be from the beginning middle or end. I need to get something down.
*scene ideas*
--Liz's miscarriage
--Casey's OD and the after effects
--Josh's leave
I will come back to this blog so as to give me inspiration to write. I will begin writing about the three scenes above. Casey's story should be very good..since she has a little girl maybe about toddler years? Liz has to move from her loss of her own baby to caring for this cute little girl who has been through a trying experience with her mother who is addicted to some type of drug (I'll specify the drug at a later date possibly as I am writing). I feel very surreal right now. I have a plan I know where the story is going, I know what I am doing for the next week. I have goals. I have plans. I have something to count.

something to look forward to

For some odd reason just the thought of going on vacation has motivated me to get things done. I've begun packing away winter clothes in the space saver bags, and on the road to getting the laundry done. I've been having Alex put the clothes away but I think the next load I'll put away so as to be able to pick up a bit in each room. Little by little I'll get everything done. I feel different today than I have in the past few weeks. Not much has changed except for making plans for vacation. I'm really excited to be leaving for awhile.....getting away from everything even just for a few days though this is more than a few --10 actually. I think I just needed something to look towards. Something positive to push me. Well, thats all I did while Tim was gone. Count the days till his leave....till school begins....Halloween....Thanksgiving....Christmas.....ect. I made things to count.....till this paper was due.....kids' progress reports came home....till doctors appointments..ect. All I did was count. Since Tim has been home, there's nothing to count. I was counting for him. Now that he was home....why count? But the counting was my coping mechinism ....and I had gotten used to it. Now that there was no counting there's nothing to look forward to. No future plans....only living from day to day. That really sucks. Day to day is depressing and incredibly routine. Get up, get dressed, go to work, do evals, type, send emails, go home, eat dinner, give baths, watch tv, waste time on computer instead of doing homework, actually do homework, go to bed. In actuality, daily routine of life is quite depressing. I need the counting.....the counting helps me strive for something whether it's Tim coming home, getting a research paper done, or going on vacation. The counting must return.