My future

I'm in the process of making some major life changes. At the moment I'm stuck at a crossroad, the only thing I know is :i need to return to college for a master's degree. Herein lies my dilemma....I've been substituting at various school districts throughout darke county. I do enjoy it....I don't love it like some of my former classmates do. I think that maybe a problem. I'm not sure. I have figured out I'm not comfortable with the elementary kids...they listen to me with zero problems, but those LOL middle freak me out. I'm afraid that I won't teach them enough for the next phase of their education. Did I only choose education because I thought it would be easy or due to actually enjoying the jr/sr high schoolers?
If secondary education is not my destiny or whatever ya want to call it.....then what is? Before I finished my bachelor's degree, I was contemplating a master's in student affairs. Technically, both are education degrees.  I do enjoy helping students. Maybe that's why this is such a difficult decision. Anything worth doing comes with challenges....if its too easy....its not worth it. It could be this is my challenge. The first hurdle to complete....what degree to choose. Sahe or secondary ed.

on the brink....of....??

Image by Christine ™ via Flickr

I feel I'm on verge of something, but I don't know what that might be. A new adventure would be nice though many adventures require fundage which I am quite short of. That might not be the best thing (unless it's a free adventure). I notice that I tend to feel this way every few years. I get very unsettled when I don't know what's going to happen next. Even though, I have only recently (the last few years) began goal setting for myself....I am at a crossroads without one. For the last five years, my goal was to graduate with my Bachelor degree in English. Did that. Now, what? It has been almost a year since my graduation. I figured that the time would help me figure out what I wanted to be when I decided to grow up. That hasn't happened. While I wait, and contemplate, I enrolled in a Master's program. For the most part, I enjoy it. I question whether or not this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Do I really want to hold college students' hands through their academic career? Last year, I would've said heck yeah...no Hell yeah. I was all gun ho. But now? I wonder if I just decided on this degree because it was easy for me. It's something I already know. For the most part, I get it. But do I want something easy? Or am I looking at this all wrong? Maybe it's not "easy" but something that comes natural to me. This really is my destined career. My undergraduate mentors were able to see it before I did. But I have had this fascination with Marketing. I think that is why I am really questioning my choice of degree. What if my friend Mandy hadn't told me that I would be an English major? What degree would I have went with (because I know it wouldn't have been Nursing as I originally thought)? I wonder if I would have chosen Marketing. The only setback for that degree is the amount of math...ugh I hated math. I was always good at Algebra but anything else eludes me.  Anyway, I choose English because my English Composition professors informed me I have a natural talent for writing. I have always loved reading and writing as a child. It seemed to be a no brainer. Sadly, no one told me that I would have problems getting a job without going to grad school until my Senior year. By then, my degree is complete....thanks a lot for the heads up.
I feel like something is waiting for me on the other side of....? Is it something good? Or just more heartache and time intensive work for little to no rewards. I'm not looking for a total payday. I just want something that keeps me motivated everyday. I want to go to work. I look forward to seeing my co-workers. Yes, it would be nice if I could live comfortably, but in this economy--it's highly doubtful.

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my grandma

Most people have this nice sweet grandma. Not me....well not in the sense that comes to my mind. The problem between me and my Grandma Dotson (my dad'd mom) is: we are exactly alike. You have no idea how much saying that pains me. It has taken me years to confront this. Only until recently that I have accepted it. I mean recent as in less than 5 mins ago. Since my graduation, I have been re-evaluating things in my life. Things I've done right, and wrong. One big thing keeps coming back to me. Family. When I was going up family was always together either on my mother's side or my father's. I was always surrounded by aunts and uncles..and food. There was always food. Now, no one hardly speaks to each other. My grandma has spoken to me since my grandfather's funeral. That breaks my heart more than losing him. Let me tell you....that a lot. My grandpa was the sole reason I spoke to my grandmother. She never showed much love. She is a cheap skate. Always hard on me more than any other of her 15+ grandchildren. For the last few nights, all I can think about is her. Though we butted heads more than we got along, she's still my grandma. She taught me how to make peanut butter cookies and her special "sheet cake."
All these thoughts about her and mostly my grandpa, I remember a conversation with a co-worker and my grandma's preacher's wife (the same person). She told me instead of thinking about all the reasons why I don't get along with grandma think of all the good times when we got along. That's what's has me up till after 2 am. The numerous happy memories with my grandma. She wasn't the evil wench that I thought she was as a teen nor the trouble maker as some in our community used to say. The little 5 foot woman who taught me how to bake and make fried eggs on an electric griddle. She complimented me for not getting burned at the camper (though she knew I NEVER burned even after being in the sun for hours).

All this reminiscing, reminds me of a saying "it takes a village to raise a child." I had a village: 4 grandparents, and 8 aunts and uncles (not including spouses or girl/boyfriends). I miss my village. I feel that my kids are missing out by not having a village. They need a village.
I know before I can plan out my future and where to go from here; I need to fix my past. I need to fix my relationships with my grandmother and probably my father. I'm sure many more family members, but one person at a time. I also have to come to terms with my grandfather's death, which happened almost 3 years ago but I still cry like a baby at the mention of his name let alone anything else. I'm sure it's not healthy that I haven't been back to his gravesite since his funeral. The reason is because then his death will be real. I don't want it to be. He was my wisest elder who kept my other elder in line. Now, I only have 3 elders (though it feels like I only have 2). Now, my only debate is whether I should call my grandmother and speak to her or write her a letter telling her how I feel. I know one way or another, I need to. 

coming to terms

I'm not very happy with my father. He had a BBQ yesterday and called everyone but me. Why? What have I done to offend him or anyone else? Nothing. I would understand if I was or have been a bitchy little girl but I never have been. Actually, I've always been quite the opposite. Always doing what has been asked of me with little to no question. Took care of my depressed mother, kept a slight eye on my younger brothers which after a bit grew tiresome and I left it to my parents. Grant it my relationship with Dad has been strained for the past year or so since he divorced my mother and married his mistress. Yes, I am still a little upset about how the divorce went down and the lies told. I'm more upset with him because he lied to me. I want to be ok with everything. I really do pretend to be alright with it all, but sometimes it's not ok especially since he does all kinds of things with my brothers and her daughters. Him spending more time with her daughters is what upsets me the most. I know it could just be because I've always been daddy's little girl and now I question that. Really, I've only been the only girl he has taken care of...now there are four bitches who are getting more attention than me. Even when my parents were together, my dad put me above my mother so....I have been put up on this princess pedestal. I do know how childish and immature that sounds. It's how I feel. Somehow, I need to come to terms with the fact that I'm not the only one anymore. I know thus far it all sounds small and petty....but it's not just these few little things. When Alex has his appendix taken out he didn't come to the hospital to see him but he did when my brother did. Two ...maybe three phone calls....and none since we came home from the hospital. He could be keeping his distance because he thinks I'm still pissed about how things went down with the divorce. I had to clean up his mess which yeah I am still mad about but I'm getting over it. Now I'm starting to wonder since I've mentioned it three times now. Honestly, I think it has nothing to do with that. As selfish as it sounds, it really is all about me and how I'm being treated. I was mad ....because of that...I pushed him away. Now I'm pouting about it. Yes, I do acknowledge the stupidity and childishness of it all on my part. I'm also not sure how to fix it. I'm going to call him when I get off work tomorrow. I would call him tonight but my mother is here and I don't want to have that conversation with her here. It would make things even the more awkward that it is.   

karma

Tonight, I was IMing my father. He was trying to talk me into attending his new in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. Now why in the world would I want to attend that? According to him, it's because they are family now. They want us there. Yeah right! My ass! I don't know why they even give a shit about us. I don't even know their names. I have only met these people maybe...three times. If that. I just don't feel connected to them at all. Besides just because one marries doesn't make you family....it just means you're related. To me, family is who looks out for you and cares for you and on occasion...will drop you a line just to see how you are. Right now, I guess I'm overly critical of others. I'm in a very distrustful place. Too many people have lied to me including my father. With him, I placed him on a pedestal way too high. A pedestal he should not have even been on. I could still be frustrated about the goings from this week. I need to find a way to purge all this anxiety and frustration. I only hope that my frustrations and such will be purged soon. I'm not sure how much longer my emotions can stand to be within myself. I must find way to purge them. Let the brain storming begin.

stupid lives.....

I'm really not sure where to start....this week I really do feel like I'm on the brink of losing my mind. Part of me just wants to walk away from all the bullshit. I have never had someone take credit for my work. It happened today. A co worker of mine is telling everyone that she does this and she does that. I found out that she took complete credit for a project that I did. She said she worked on it for the last few day....yeah right...it took me one day to do. I'm not sure if I'm more upset about her taking credit for my work or the fact that she lied about my role in the project. She isn't the first person to lie to/about me this week.  This is instance number two from numerous people. People can be incredibly two faced. Perhaps they may not have intended for it to come across that way but it did. I'm incredibly upset about it and for some reason I can't use my words. Nothing has helped me with calming down. I wish I could find a way to relax and find a way to deal with the stupid shit.

Money to rule us all

Why does it always seem like everything revolves around money whether ones doesn't have enough of it or an abundance. When we all die it comes down to what will I get from them....money, possessions.... Is this all we are just things? Obviously. So since that is the case this leave me in a dilemma since I am one of those few unfortunate souls who have a lack of money. This is almost the worst time of year too seeing that the Christmas season will soon be upon us. What's a person to do in this economic crisis? It's not like one can just walk out and get a job (although I have one but doesn't pay enough to even cover my bills). I'm sure some way some how it will all work out but at the moment I am stressed.

Mother Nature is a manatical bitch

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I have been sick all day because Eve ate the stupid apple thus women for all time must pay for her stupidity. Now, every month I get so sick that I have to go to the doctor. For awhile, I had to take birth control pills just to find some sort of relief. They are no longer working. Well they might if I hadn't ran out. I really hate PMDD. I almost feel like I'm pregnant again sometimes its worse--labor. Oh, the days where I would get nauseous from smells or the "look" of food. Oh! Wait with this damn PMDD I do. I have felt like throwing up all day. I just I'll have to break down and go to the doctor but I hate taking pills. I always forget to take them. I hate the mood swings, headaches, acne breakouts (as if I'm still a teen), the nausea, the excruciating cramps in the abdomen and the lower back. Oh the "pleasures" of being a woman. It's days like these where I would love to kick Eve's ass for eating the fruit. Why couldn't she just listen? That was the only rule. Just one simple rule. Ane she had to break it. Causing suffering for women to the end of time.

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A very weird day

The day began off key and ended even worse. I had problems sleeping again due to the choking issues from my sinus infection then only to awake at 6, hop off to work only to find out that my mothers thing is tomorrow so I had to take her all the way back to my place. I knew this would completely infuriate Tim but I was just trying to dump her off so I wouldn't be too late to work. Tim kept calling me because she was driving him insane with her constant whining and complaining about nothing. How does one complain about nothing. Because what she is complaining about is so unimportant.....it's nothing to anyone. She is only complaining to her her own voice. On top of it all......I have to help her find a place in Richmond. Oh I am so not looking forward to that. I am just ready for the upside of my life. Everything has been on the downside.....we are fine.....but not great....not good. Just fine. We are surviving. I don't want to survive anymore. I want to be comfortable .....no I want to be happy. I want to stop struggling. I want to bask in happiness. Maybe this is why I am having so many problem with writing. Honestly, I'm not real sure what I want but I know what don't want. I don't want an apartment that is cluttered as it is. I don't want all the bickering and nit-picking that has been happening. I don't want to stay home all the time.

more health issues

I am getting quite sick and tired of being sick. Last week, I went to the doctor for my sinuses something I knew was infected and yet again I went back to the doctor my ears. Ha! What'd ya know! I have fluid behind both ears. He just gave me even more meds to take. Oh! I hate it when I'm right sometimes. I really do wish the ringing in my ears would stop. It's beyond annoying. According to Harshbarger, the ringing will stop when I'm able to get all the flem and mucus to break up that's lying in my sinus cavity and now my ear canals. What's a bit sad is the only I've talked about lately is my health and allergy problems. I need to write but for some reason I have no desire to.

busy days among the sick

I have not been feeling well lately. I've been hoarse from my sinuses dripping into my throat. Tim made me go to the doctor since I was so run down and such. I found out I have a sinus infection. I'm still hoarse, but now I also have this nasty cough which hurts every time I cough. I just hate being sick even if it is just my sinuses. I really should go to Stacie's graduation party but I really don't feel like it. All I really want to do is go in my room sleep, watch movies, read, and write a bit.
Why is it so difficult lately to write? I love writing. Is it the pressure of publishing? Failure? Success? Laziness? I really don't know right now. I do know that I feel like shit whether this feeling stems from lack of writing or my sinuses affecting me remains to be answered. Time will tell which it is. I originally was going to write about how Tim had another episode but somehow that just seems insignificant. But why is it so unimportant? Am I that shallow right now that his problems are less compared to my own? Especially since my issues are actually quite small to his. At least he has reasons for everything he is going through.....his PTSD has affected him in ways no one realized until he could no longer ingnore them. I was quite proud of him yesterday during IUEast graduation ceremony. There was a very large crowd, he did not panic until later when he had been in the crowd for a long period of time. His panic attack did not last very long after he was able to distance himself from the crowd. I think one of the reasons why he had problems sleeping last night was due to the panic attck and the crowd. He also woke up today angry. Although, the anger could have been because the smaller three were being loud, and fighting/bickering with each other. His episode today could've had nothing to do with the PTSD but his lack of knowing how to cope with his emotions such as anger.

lost

I feel like I am just wandering through life lately without any real purpose. I get up go to work come home, eat get kids to bed, watch tv a bit, go to bed. Same ole, same ole. Its funny because I love routine but lately I really hate it--almost despise it. Maybe its because what I really want to do is write. That what I need to do, so why do I put it off. I feel the pressure of others telling that I need to write--to be published but yet I write very little. Am I sabotaging myself? Do I not want to succeed? Or am I scared of what will happen if I do? It could be the opposite too--scared of rejection and/or failure. What I need to do is pull up my big girl panties and write. Not listen to what others tell me about writing or publishing (all that takes the fun out of writing). Go escape to my writing. Let it release me from the mundane routine of life.

Overwhelmed!

I am extremely relieved that the semester is finally over. Yea! But on the down side of that is now I have to really focus on my writing. For some reason this scared the shit out of me. I think it's because now....I'm not just pretending to be a writer, I am a writer. As a writer, there are certain expectations which come with this label such as being a published writer. Really, is one a writer if they are not published? Are they just pretending if not published? OH geez that first rejection! Ouch! Always hurts. Could not being published the fear of rejection instead of fear of writing--the fear of truth? Why write? Do I have to? Sometimes--yes I do. But other times--no. So then why go through all the hassle? There are better writers. There are worse. So why torture yourself? Writing can at times be torturous. But it also calms me. I feel at peace while in my writing world. It's a place where I am someone else. Someone with different worries and different problems. Someone who is like me but not. Someone who lives like me but doesn't. Someone who despises me but loves me. It's a world where I can be completely myself or the opposite.
This could be why I am having problems focusing on my current writing project, I don't want to be me. The characters are very much like me. Almost too much. I feel like in a way they are me. That is scary. Rejection is scary. I'm just scared, and I don't like that.

weather ect.

I am so glad that the snow is finally gone and we have some warm weather. Now, if the rain would stop long enough to dry out the ground, it would be terrific. I am thankful that we no longer have to bundle up like the kids are in the photo. Warm weather is on its way! Yeah!

Money issues

It is a beautiful day outside, but I have been stuck inside all day, doing housework and homework. I'm trying to figure out how to solve my financial dilemma. I can do workstudy this summer but that is a bit of a double edged sword. If I do work this summer then I have to take a class or two something that I really can't afford to do. But at the same time I really need to work--I'm stuck. I would just get a part time job but with this economy....thats unrealistic. I am really stressing about it.

fakers

I am really sick of people who act one way then do another. I could me upset because this person said she didn't want to do something but when Too Tall asked her she jumped on it even fighting to get it. I don't think that's right. I mean really. If you don't care then why fight for it. If you do care then express it. I believe I am just done with all of it. I'm going to be like Dottie and say to hell with it all. If other people want to be kiss asses then fine....let them. I'm not like that. If you want my help fine but don't ask for it then treat me like an idiot or disregard my opinion when you're the idiot who asked. I mean seriously??? That's just freakin mean. I'm sure I've been carrying this for way longer than I should. I really need to just let it go. Besides I do have other things to obsess about .....more important things like homework ....my writing...my kids...my household in general.
I can't believe that this semester is over already! I'm glad and sad at the same time. I'm sad cause Randy and Ranae are graduating ....so sad. But at the same time I am really burned out. I need a break. I was going to take the summer off but nooooo Michelle had to ask for 20 workstudy hours for the summer so now I need to take a class or two. UGH! Oh well....worse things could happen.

Academics and Literature

I made a huge mistake this semester....I didn't take Senior Seminar which I need in order to graduate but now I realize I could have graduated next summer. Now, I feel real stupid. I just pushed myself back one year. I wonder if I can take graduate classes before actually graduating with my bachelor degree. I suppose I could work on another minor or major. Who knows. Everything happens for a reason though at this moment I really can't tell why I made such a huge blunder. This is a perfect example of why you should always listen to that little voice in your head. Damn that voice! I think I really wanted more time to work on my novel. I have so much to work on. That is another thing on my to do list. I will get that finished by the end of the summer. At least the first draft anyway.

Another note, I met with Laverne to review my papers for her class. I was quite surprised about how little she had to say about one paper but not the other although the L225 paper was (is) a mess. I had no focus. ...no organization....oh it was bad. I am going to start all over with my revision. A perfect example of why one should not write a paper just hours before it is due. L346 the paper has focus with only a few grammar errors. I have found grammar is not my friend. Actually it is quite the opposite. It loathes me. My grammar is in deseparate need of improvement in both English and French. I am determined that grammar and I will be friends by the time I graduate.

I must say my conversation with Laverne was quite interesting. She said she loved my analysis from each book our class has read and felt that I should not turn away from literary analysis because I have such insight about the works. She quizzed me about which genre within creative writing I wanted to specialize in. She asked if I had taken Mary's Poetry class. Of course I had to tell he I was avoiding it because poetry was my drawback in W203. She informed me I really need Mary's class because every great and classical writer gained control over their writing by writing poetry. I gained such insight and respect for her today. One thing that slightly confuses me is how she knew I wanted my MFA. Did I tell her that at the beginning of the semester? Or did someone else tell her? I suppose it doesn't really matter though.

Laziness

Much has happened since my last posting though at this moment I don't really want to divulge into it. I'm trying not to be a mopy cry baby but yet I'm sick and tired of lazy people. I realize I'm surrounded by them. Kinda like how that kid from Sixth Sense was....but I see lazy people. They are everywhere including my house. There are numerous in fact. What I would like to know is how in the hell did I get so many of them in my house and my family. Granted recently I myself have not been the most motivated person but yet I was not used to raising four boys by myself....yet I still feel like I am (but that's a different posting). There's my lazy ass bum brother who has invited himself to live with us, my baby brother who decides to smoke pot instead of getting his GED, and my mother....omg don't even get me started there. Now add my husband and older two boys. It pains me to see how much Mathew acts like Rob. He wants everyone to do things for him. Nothing for himself. I'm really scared that Matt will turn out with that type of personality. I hope thing will change for the better soon.

stupid husband

I am getting a bit frustrated with the jerk hubby of mind. He hurt his ankle somehow again so he went to the hospital to have it looked at since it was bothering him so much. He came home almost stoned....the ER doc gave his some pretty powerful drugs. He is acting like a weirdo. A combination of a drunk and pervert though he is normally an extreme pervert is his usual repretoire. I am getting kinda tired of his mouth.....I wish he would go to bed but he just finished a Monster drink so he's not going to bed anytime soon.

Playing catch up

I hate playing catch up.....it takes so much more energy to catch up than to keep up with the assignments and work that's not just with my classes but also with my work. I have such a huge amount of work sitting in my inbox. I feel like I'm never going to catch up. I've even had panic attacks from this. I have to bring my GPA up not down. I'm really scared it's going to drop even more which means I will be in a huge amount of trouble if I don't get it together soon. I have to pull at least two A's this semester and nothing below a B which maybe a difficult feat if I don't work my butt off. I't really starting to scare me.