on the brink....of....??

Image by Christine ™ via Flickr

I feel I'm on verge of something, but I don't know what that might be. A new adventure would be nice though many adventures require fundage which I am quite short of. That might not be the best thing (unless it's a free adventure). I notice that I tend to feel this way every few years. I get very unsettled when I don't know what's going to happen next. Even though, I have only recently (the last few years) began goal setting for myself....I am at a crossroads without one. For the last five years, my goal was to graduate with my Bachelor degree in English. Did that. Now, what? It has been almost a year since my graduation. I figured that the time would help me figure out what I wanted to be when I decided to grow up. That hasn't happened. While I wait, and contemplate, I enrolled in a Master's program. For the most part, I enjoy it. I question whether or not this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Do I really want to hold college students' hands through their academic career? Last year, I would've said heck yeah...no Hell yeah. I was all gun ho. But now? I wonder if I just decided on this degree because it was easy for me. It's something I already know. For the most part, I get it. But do I want something easy? Or am I looking at this all wrong? Maybe it's not "easy" but something that comes natural to me. This really is my destined career. My undergraduate mentors were able to see it before I did. But I have had this fascination with Marketing. I think that is why I am really questioning my choice of degree. What if my friend Mandy hadn't told me that I would be an English major? What degree would I have went with (because I know it wouldn't have been Nursing as I originally thought)? I wonder if I would have chosen Marketing. The only setback for that degree is the amount of math...ugh I hated math. I was always good at Algebra but anything else eludes me.  Anyway, I choose English because my English Composition professors informed me I have a natural talent for writing. I have always loved reading and writing as a child. It seemed to be a no brainer. Sadly, no one told me that I would have problems getting a job without going to grad school until my Senior year. By then, my degree is complete....thanks a lot for the heads up.
I feel like something is waiting for me on the other side of....? Is it something good? Or just more heartache and time intensive work for little to no rewards. I'm not looking for a total payday. I just want something that keeps me motivated everyday. I want to go to work. I look forward to seeing my co-workers. Yes, it would be nice if I could live comfortably, but in this economy--it's highly doubtful.

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another day

Ok, so today is my birthday. No big deal. Just another day. That's the way it's been since I was 12. I'm not upset by it nor am I happy about but for some reason everybody wants to stop and say "happy birthday" or "hope ur having a relaxing day today." Yeah right. I guess it kinda annoys me because if it wasn't for forgetting to take my birthday off facebook...no one would have said a word. I guess it just feels fake like they are only saying it because the computer told them it was today. I bet if facebook didn't have it on there then nothing. Nada. Same as last year and the year before and so forth. Another reason why it bothers me is because I don't celebrate my birthday.. hell I didn't even have a 16th birthday party. For a girl that's a big deal. On my 21st, I bought a bottle of something and went home drank it with Tim after Alex went to bed that night. www.facebook.com

a great beginning

I am excited about this semester. I won the Secretary position for Student Government along with being an officer of Humanities Club. I am totally stoked about my writing. I have been writing quite a bit.Today in particular has been a very blissful day. Oddly, enough nothing happened that was awesome or anything. If truth be known, nothing good and nothing bad happened. The only difference is that I began the day writing. I may have to do this more often. Last night, I fell asleep writing. Writing has brightened my day. I discovered so many things about my characters in the past few days. I know that John did try to keep Kate away from him but she keeps throwing herself on him. For some reason I always felt like John is a total sleeze for cheating on Lacey but I suppose now he doesn't seem like a total sleeze now....just a slight sleeze.

I am so happy that I don't think anyone could rain on my mood. I really have no explanation for think blissful mood.

vacation countdown begins.......

Vacation begins in 5 days......but I still have so much to do. We haven't begun packing yet. So I have all of that to do and on Friday.....boy that will be a busy day. Tim has a counseling session then off to court for Jeremy then come home and finish gettin everything together. I am very ready to go but not prepared. I have so much to do before leaving. I have lists to make, laundry to do then pack. Oh I also need to gather what food and supplies we will need for the week. Not to forget making sure all homework is done. Gesh! I am on the verge of being stressed about leaving for a relaxing week. I really hope this week goes well. I want to just chill for 7 days, but we'll see. It may not even happen. I may be even more stressed by the time we get home. But at least we return on a Saturday so I have most of the day Saurday and Sunday to relax before returning for work. I do think things will go pretty well. We have a lot of ppl coming up to visit us while we are there so ...who knows how relaxing it will actually be. Just being away for awhile will help.

stress and laundry

Why does everything seem worse when there is a boatload of laundry to do? Do the two really have a connection? Though I seriously doubt it.....it does occur quite often for me. Instead of stressing about the big things that I really should be upset about I stress about the damn laundry. There's too much of in the bedroom....my hamper is overflowing. Why is it that no one....and I mean no one can actually put clothes in the hamper instead of in front of, beside, behind the hamper? Is it embedded in the Y chromosome to not put clothes in the hamper? A friend told me no though I am not sure I believe him. Honestly, what's it matter whether or not all the clothes in the bathroom are washed or if the boys' hamper is absolutely empty but the floor is unseen. In the big picture of it all.....it doesn't matter. As long as the whole family has clean clothes does it matter if ALL the clothes are clean? No. But then if I don't obsesses about something as small and minuscule as the laundry then what? The dishes? Or the dust on the dragons? The laundry is a distraction from the important things....like money, schoolwork, work issues, friend issues, Tim's issues and/or problems, ect.

Anxious for vacation

This is where we are going for vacation! I can't wait. Get away from work, classes, worrying about every little thing. No worries for 7 days. I am ready to lay in the sun with a book while I watch the twins play on the beach. In the evenings, I will be on the enclosed porch swing watching the wildlife and basking in the stillness of the evening. I will enjoy every minute of tranquility. No tv, no radio (unless I break out the laptop which I will have to take because of my online class). Tim keeps talking about fishing from sun up to sun down. I don't think he'll be out that long each day but he'll try. He only talks about going fishing and being out on the boat all day. I think we should take the whole family out on a boat ride a day or two. Really I just want to be on the beach. I am soo ready to get outta here for awhile. I know everyone else is ready too. The kids are talking about what they want to do. Tim and his fishing.....all he talks about is fishing. He does really enjoy it for the life of me I have no idea why but he does. I believe I will need to begin a countdown to vacation.

Another cardinal......another mediocre

As I was pulling into a parking spot in Middlefork, a bright red cardinal flew over Tim's car heading towards the woods almost surrounding Middlefork parking lot. Yet again, I am wondering about this luck thing and cardinals. I have come to a conclusion.....it's crap! I know, it's like duh! But sometimes a memory is so strong along with the happy thoughts and feelings which come with it. I'm pretty sure it's the sight of the cardinal that brings the happiness not luck or any other supersitition anyone told me about. I'm not going to completely tarnish this happiness with the cardinal. I am still going to keep it. Well, afterall it does make me happy even if in that moment I forget about the happy memory and anything else happening at that current moment. I only think about how pretty this brightly colored red bird is.....and sometimes how few of them there are (although, I've been told the cardinal population is increasing sometime I should look this info up to verify.) I would continue to babble about for a few more moments, I won't instead I will end this posting so as I can write another 500 words or so on my scene.

good luck charms

When I was a kid my mom and granma told me if I saw a male cardinal/blue jay, I would have good luck all day long. As an adult, every spring and summer, I would look for these brightly colored birds. I would sit on my patio or porch watching the birds in my neighbors feeder or while walking on the trails. If by chance I did see one, my day would suddenly brighten. I would tell myself...."It's going to be a good day......I saw a cardinal flying in the tree or on the fence ect. It must be a sign for good things to come." Even if I had a bad day, the delusion would continue. "Well it wasn't today that means it must be tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a good day." It really odd how one believes in something as frivolous as a bird. I can say that it does help my mood when I'm having a fairly bad day to think that it must get better even if it is from the sight of a bird. For awhile, I thought all this good luck was due to the fact that these birds were my favorite birds. To be perfectly honest, they were my favorite because they were the only birds I knew by name. Why does this suddenly occur to me.....well why else? A cardinal flew over my car on my way to work this morning. He flew from one part of the woods to another crossing the small country road I was driving along. For the next five miles, I thought about the various times superstitious grandmother told me about cardinals. How they hold more good luck that the blue jays because blue jays are more common. Luck doesn't happen to common things.

stupidity

Lately, I have been surrounded by stupidity, either from coworkers, fellow classmates or my family. I even found a moment I, myself have lapsed into the stupid realm. How does one escape this realm? Well it's quite simple really.
Step 1 realize you have entered stupid realm.
Step 2 realize and accept you, yourself have joined the elite into stupidity
Step 3 after acceptance you must find where you entered into stupiddom whether it be through falling due to not tying your shoes or tripping over an invisible step.
Step 4 move on try not to reenter the land of the stupid.
It's quite obvious I am still stuck in this realm due to this oddity of a blog. If you are like me who has accepted the stupidity even it you thought it was just a moment but yet here you are again trapped among the stupid. Then obviously you never left.....the stupid have tricked you into thinking you did which proves that they may not be as stupid as you are. They must need a new leader. Obviously, a writer since I have been carrying on about this for quite a few sentences now without any indications of stopping anytime soon. Though I find parts of this funny, it is rather scary too. Who can write about nothing? Obviously, I can. The stupid have adopted me. I need to return to the land of smart people though at times I feel and think they are the grandest of the stupid. They are stupid with a degree. Pft, that's just dangerous. And to think people like that are teaching our children! No wonder my kid has moments of complete and utter stupidity. He's being feed stupidity through his textbooks, teacher's lectures, worksheets, homework. It's all a plot to mold more stupidity among the ranks. I believe I will attempt to leave stupiddom hopefully for awhile but we shall see.

Writing & Panic attacks

I am trying to figure out why I feel a tightening in my stomach every time I sit down to write. Or I will draw complete blanks. I will completely forget the scene I was about to write. I can't come up with another scene....I haven't been able to clearly formulate a scene for days. I need to get on the ball and get something figured out whether it be from the beginning middle or end. I need to get something down.
*scene ideas*
--Liz's miscarriage
--Casey's OD and the after effects
--Josh's leave
I will come back to this blog so as to give me inspiration to write. I will begin writing about the three scenes above. Casey's story should be very good..since she has a little girl maybe about toddler years? Liz has to move from her loss of her own baby to caring for this cute little girl who has been through a trying experience with her mother who is addicted to some type of drug (I'll specify the drug at a later date possibly as I am writing). I feel very surreal right now. I have a plan I know where the story is going, I know what I am doing for the next week. I have goals. I have plans. I have something to count.

something to look forward to

For some odd reason just the thought of going on vacation has motivated me to get things done. I've begun packing away winter clothes in the space saver bags, and on the road to getting the laundry done. I've been having Alex put the clothes away but I think the next load I'll put away so as to be able to pick up a bit in each room. Little by little I'll get everything done. I feel different today than I have in the past few weeks. Not much has changed except for making plans for vacation. I'm really excited to be leaving for awhile.....getting away from everything even just for a few days though this is more than a few --10 actually. I think I just needed something to look towards. Something positive to push me. Well, thats all I did while Tim was gone. Count the days till his leave....till school begins....Halloween....Thanksgiving....Christmas.....ect. I made things to count.....till this paper was due.....kids' progress reports came home....till doctors appointments..ect. All I did was count. Since Tim has been home, there's nothing to count. I was counting for him. Now that he was home....why count? But the counting was my coping mechinism ....and I had gotten used to it. Now that there was no counting there's nothing to look forward to. No future plans....only living from day to day. That really sucks. Day to day is depressing and incredibly routine. Get up, get dressed, go to work, do evals, type, send emails, go home, eat dinner, give baths, watch tv, waste time on computer instead of doing homework, actually do homework, go to bed. In actuality, daily routine of life is quite depressing. I need the counting.....the counting helps me strive for something whether it's Tim coming home, getting a research paper done, or going on vacation. The counting must return.

a vacation on the rise

We are beginning to plan our summer vacation. We are going to spend almost 10 days up at Bruce Lake with Tim's family. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or bad but at least I will be able to relax a bit. Hopefully, it will give everyone a new perspective. I might be expecting too much. We will be gone and maybe thats enough. I'm thinkin that this weekend we are going to somewhere. Not sure where yet....but somewhere. I'll have to do some research to find somewhere fairly cheap. I'm sure I'll be able to find something.
I was able to get everything done for my online class....yea.....so happy. Well at least until Monday, where our new assignment comes. I should work ahead a little bit but for some reason my next book has not arrived. If anything I could go to the library. I will wait it out another day or so. I could do everything but the reading assignment. Do a little background on the author.
I have realized that many of my posting are pretty negative.....very whiny....I need to make a note to be more positive even if things seem to be going to the crapper. Today was a pretty darn good day. Yeah the kids fought and there was some voices raised but nothing too badly....well except when Tim and Alex's horseplaying went too far and both of them ended up angry. I had to diffuse them, send them to separate corners of the living room. On average....not bad. I was not all wallowy as I was before. I am going to try to keep this positive attitude for as long as possible.