One more day

Anxiety is slowly diminishing. I have moments where I can breathe. I wish it was more than just moments though I know soon I will only have moments of anxiety--that's what I'm striving for. Vacation begins tomorrow after work. I have finished my Virtual CV assignment for Natalia--all I have left for it, is the reflection. Jean, I have to write a non fiction piece about nature. That should be fairly easy though I will want to sit in nature and just listen. The words will flow on their own. Nature will write the story. I want to model my story after Scott Sander's piece, "Master of Nature." I hope that's the name of the story. He wrote such and eloquent and calming story. The calmness of that story captivated my attention. It could be because I was having such a hectic day; I read the story while on lunch break. The story had such a zen like affect on me. The timing of reading it was perfect due to the whirlwind of a day I was having.
One more day is how I end tonight's blog. One more day till my relaxation on the beach with a book and my notebook. One more day till I will be able to write in peace while the twins play in the sand.

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vacation countdown begins.......

Vacation begins in 5 days......but I still have so much to do. We haven't begun packing yet. So I have all of that to do and on Friday.....boy that will be a busy day. Tim has a counseling session then off to court for Jeremy then come home and finish gettin everything together. I am very ready to go but not prepared. I have so much to do before leaving. I have lists to make, laundry to do then pack. Oh I also need to gather what food and supplies we will need for the week. Not to forget making sure all homework is done. Gesh! I am on the verge of being stressed about leaving for a relaxing week. I really hope this week goes well. I want to just chill for 7 days, but we'll see. It may not even happen. I may be even more stressed by the time we get home. But at least we return on a Saturday so I have most of the day Saurday and Sunday to relax before returning for work. I do think things will go pretty well. We have a lot of ppl coming up to visit us while we are there so ...who knows how relaxing it will actually be. Just being away for awhile will help.

Anxious for vacation

This is where we are going for vacation! I can't wait. Get away from work, classes, worrying about every little thing. No worries for 7 days. I am ready to lay in the sun with a book while I watch the twins play on the beach. In the evenings, I will be on the enclosed porch swing watching the wildlife and basking in the stillness of the evening. I will enjoy every minute of tranquility. No tv, no radio (unless I break out the laptop which I will have to take because of my online class). Tim keeps talking about fishing from sun up to sun down. I don't think he'll be out that long each day but he'll try. He only talks about going fishing and being out on the boat all day. I think we should take the whole family out on a boat ride a day or two. Really I just want to be on the beach. I am soo ready to get outta here for awhile. I know everyone else is ready too. The kids are talking about what they want to do. Tim and his fishing.....all he talks about is fishing. He does really enjoy it for the life of me I have no idea why but he does. I believe I will need to begin a countdown to vacation.

Writing & Panic attacks

I am trying to figure out why I feel a tightening in my stomach every time I sit down to write. Or I will draw complete blanks. I will completely forget the scene I was about to write. I can't come up with another scene....I haven't been able to clearly formulate a scene for days. I need to get on the ball and get something figured out whether it be from the beginning middle or end. I need to get something down.
*scene ideas*
--Liz's miscarriage
--Casey's OD and the after effects
--Josh's leave
I will come back to this blog so as to give me inspiration to write. I will begin writing about the three scenes above. Casey's story should be very good..since she has a little girl maybe about toddler years? Liz has to move from her loss of her own baby to caring for this cute little girl who has been through a trying experience with her mother who is addicted to some type of drug (I'll specify the drug at a later date possibly as I am writing). I feel very surreal right now. I have a plan I know where the story is going, I know what I am doing for the next week. I have goals. I have plans. I have something to count.

something to look forward to

For some odd reason just the thought of going on vacation has motivated me to get things done. I've begun packing away winter clothes in the space saver bags, and on the road to getting the laundry done. I've been having Alex put the clothes away but I think the next load I'll put away so as to be able to pick up a bit in each room. Little by little I'll get everything done. I feel different today than I have in the past few weeks. Not much has changed except for making plans for vacation. I'm really excited to be leaving for awhile.....getting away from everything even just for a few days though this is more than a few --10 actually. I think I just needed something to look towards. Something positive to push me. Well, thats all I did while Tim was gone. Count the days till his leave....till school begins....Halloween....Thanksgiving....Christmas.....ect. I made things to count.....till this paper was due.....kids' progress reports came home....till doctors appointments..ect. All I did was count. Since Tim has been home, there's nothing to count. I was counting for him. Now that he was home....why count? But the counting was my coping mechinism ....and I had gotten used to it. Now that there was no counting there's nothing to look forward to. No future plans....only living from day to day. That really sucks. Day to day is depressing and incredibly routine. Get up, get dressed, go to work, do evals, type, send emails, go home, eat dinner, give baths, watch tv, waste time on computer instead of doing homework, actually do homework, go to bed. In actuality, daily routine of life is quite depressing. I need the counting.....the counting helps me strive for something whether it's Tim coming home, getting a research paper done, or going on vacation. The counting must return.

a vacation on the rise

We are beginning to plan our summer vacation. We are going to spend almost 10 days up at Bruce Lake with Tim's family. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or bad but at least I will be able to relax a bit. Hopefully, it will give everyone a new perspective. I might be expecting too much. We will be gone and maybe thats enough. I'm thinkin that this weekend we are going to somewhere. Not sure where yet....but somewhere. I'll have to do some research to find somewhere fairly cheap. I'm sure I'll be able to find something.
I was able to get everything done for my online class....yea.....so happy. Well at least until Monday, where our new assignment comes. I should work ahead a little bit but for some reason my next book has not arrived. If anything I could go to the library. I will wait it out another day or so. I could do everything but the reading assignment. Do a little background on the author.
I have realized that many of my posting are pretty negative.....very whiny....I need to make a note to be more positive even if things seem to be going to the crapper. Today was a pretty darn good day. Yeah the kids fought and there was some voices raised but nothing too badly....well except when Tim and Alex's horseplaying went too far and both of them ended up angry. I had to diffuse them, send them to separate corners of the living room. On average....not bad. I was not all wallowy as I was before. I am going to try to keep this positive attitude for as long as possible.