countdown to a deadline

With my deadline fast approaching, I am stuck. I have yet to decide upon the topic of my nonfiction essay let alone write it. The time is ticking away. I know I should not be such a procrastinator but yet I did. I should've at least picked my topic a few days ago and did some sort of prewriting. Last night, I had this brilliant idea...I didn't stop and write it down instead I played it out in my head, allowed it to briskly walk out of my mind while I was eating supper. This afternoon while I was cleaning the pool another idea came to me about the purpose of blogging. I think I'll attempt this concept. The whole premise is to attempt to figure out why people blog. I know why I blog--at first it was because I know so many people who do...peer pressure made me begin. My love of writing is why I continue. Why do people blog about the best way to skim a pool or those damn mommy blogs to science geeks giving everyone their latest thoughts about microphysics--everyone has something to say. But why do we feel that everyone else wants to know about these latest and greatest epiphanies? It's not like those annoying mommy blogs are all that great--yes funny at times if you find the right blog but for the most part quite boring learning about how little Timmy made a pee two days in a row or how little Suzi has drawn on her floral walls again causing her mother to think the child has artistic talent when by the photo attached to the entry clearly shows little Suzi has the same artistic talent that every other three year has. Really what are we all accomplishing by blogging everyday or in some cases every hour? Do we really have that much to say? Are we that interesting?  In some cases, no. There's always that exception to the rule. That one person who does it for the sheer joy of writing and sharing ideas. Who wants to help others bake that vegan apple pie to perfection or to help little Johnny make a bird house for his scouting badge or just to share their day with someone else. Rest assured there is a blogger out there with your interest--there's a million of us out there sharing, posting, and vlogging.
The ending sucks. It needs work. A good start. Works still needs to be done. That's what editing is all about!!

Thus it begins....

Day 1
I am in search of a MFA program--actually a low residency MFA program to attend next academic year. As per my advisor I should be shopping for programs this summer, taking the GRE in the fall and have everything finalized by December. Or so I'm told. Easier said than done. Today, I begin step 1: shop for MFA programs that meet the criteria I need. The issue with that is...I need convenience of location and a program with assistantships which will pay for my education. Thus far I have only found 1. It's not lookin good. I will have to expand my search beyond the Great Lakes region (well actually, I've only searched Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky, and Michigan). Maybe I do want to go somewhere warm or in the New England region. Who knows at this point? I may change my mind and decide I need a full residency program. Time will tell. My little guys are why I prefer the low residency program. I want to be home with them instead of stuck in a classroom all day either teaching or as a student. We just moved into this nice little house with one acre of yard for them to run and play. If I attend a full residency, I will have to upheaval them back into a tiny apartment. I feel bad enough for making them tolerate my evening classes and such. My goal is for the low residency program. Maybe I will find a program in Massachusetts or North Carolina  which will better suit my needs both financially and academically.

lost

I feel like I am just wandering through life lately without any real purpose. I get up go to work come home, eat get kids to bed, watch tv a bit, go to bed. Same ole, same ole. Its funny because I love routine but lately I really hate it--almost despise it. Maybe its because what I really want to do is write. That what I need to do, so why do I put it off. I feel the pressure of others telling that I need to write--to be published but yet I write very little. Am I sabotaging myself? Do I not want to succeed? Or am I scared of what will happen if I do? It could be the opposite too--scared of rejection and/or failure. What I need to do is pull up my big girl panties and write. Not listen to what others tell me about writing or publishing (all that takes the fun out of writing). Go escape to my writing. Let it release me from the mundane routine of life.

Overwhelmed!

I am extremely relieved that the semester is finally over. Yea! But on the down side of that is now I have to really focus on my writing. For some reason this scared the shit out of me. I think it's because now....I'm not just pretending to be a writer, I am a writer. As a writer, there are certain expectations which come with this label such as being a published writer. Really, is one a writer if they are not published? Are they just pretending if not published? OH geez that first rejection! Ouch! Always hurts. Could not being published the fear of rejection instead of fear of writing--the fear of truth? Why write? Do I have to? Sometimes--yes I do. But other times--no. So then why go through all the hassle? There are better writers. There are worse. So why torture yourself? Writing can at times be torturous. But it also calms me. I feel at peace while in my writing world. It's a place where I am someone else. Someone with different worries and different problems. Someone who is like me but not. Someone who lives like me but doesn't. Someone who despises me but loves me. It's a world where I can be completely myself or the opposite.
This could be why I am having problems focusing on my current writing project, I don't want to be me. The characters are very much like me. Almost too much. I feel like in a way they are me. That is scary. Rejection is scary. I'm just scared, and I don't like that.

lack of academic success

I have realized twice this I have yet to really accomplish anything during the three years I have been at Indiana University East. I now feel like a failure. I have no papers published--nothing published really. I have not defended nor presented anything. My only accomplishment is World Language and Culture Club and Humanities Club....oh and Honors Program. I decided to take less classes in order to gain these academic must haves for graduate school. I need to start working on my novel ....I mean seriously work on it not this crap of write two or three sentences and then be done. I need to write--seriously write. I need to get back to the big picture of all this--graduate school then to teach. I need to keep the big picture in focus by keeping the distractions at bay. I know none of this will be simple nor easy but hell nothing in life is easy.
I also need to upgrade my knowledge to technology. Yes, obviously I know and understand the basics of the computer and such but I want to know more about linking sites and so forth along with photoshopping. I had thought about getting a book for dummies about photoshop since I feel like a complte idiot at time when I use it especially since Michelle is so technologically advanced though she is living with an IT nerd.

literature paper delimmas

I am supposed to be doing some pre-writing for a paper in literature class well actually two papers for two seprate literature classes but in World Masterpieces I have let her know what my topic is on Tuesday. I have no isea what the heck to write about .....either wite something on The Odyssey or Antigone. Right now, I'm leaning more toward Odyssey than Antigone. I think I'm going to write later on with a few pre-writing ideas.

uninspired

I am supposed to be writing a novel but I am completely uninspired. Noteven a sentence will form. Nothing makes sense. I think I've been away from my writing for too long. I need to figure out a way to get back to it.....but how? This is my problem. I'm not sure how. I have reviewed my notes.....everything I have written prior seems like so long ago. The characters feel like strangers to me. I barely know them anymore. I need to reconnect with them somehow. I'm not quite sure how yet. This is something that I have been bouncing around my head for the past week or so. I should email Beth my advisor for some advice but I know she is working on a book herself and she's not even in the state yet. She's still in maine for a writing conference. So....I could ask another writing professor who could help. Or I could keep whining in my many blogs about how horrible things are with my writing. I have tried doing writing exercises though personally I think I should do these exercises everyday before doing my writing on the novel.