my grandma

Most people have this nice sweet grandma. Not me....well not in the sense that comes to my mind. The problem between me and my Grandma Dotson (my dad'd mom) is: we are exactly alike. You have no idea how much saying that pains me. It has taken me years to confront this. Only until recently that I have accepted it. I mean recent as in less than 5 mins ago. Since my graduation, I have been re-evaluating things in my life. Things I've done right, and wrong. One big thing keeps coming back to me. Family. When I was going up family was always together either on my mother's side or my father's. I was always surrounded by aunts and uncles..and food. There was always food. Now, no one hardly speaks to each other. My grandma has spoken to me since my grandfather's funeral. That breaks my heart more than losing him. Let me tell you....that a lot. My grandpa was the sole reason I spoke to my grandmother. She never showed much love. She is a cheap skate. Always hard on me more than any other of her 15+ grandchildren. For the last few nights, all I can think about is her. Though we butted heads more than we got along, she's still my grandma. She taught me how to make peanut butter cookies and her special "sheet cake."
All these thoughts about her and mostly my grandpa, I remember a conversation with a co-worker and my grandma's preacher's wife (the same person). She told me instead of thinking about all the reasons why I don't get along with grandma think of all the good times when we got along. That's what's has me up till after 2 am. The numerous happy memories with my grandma. She wasn't the evil wench that I thought she was as a teen nor the trouble maker as some in our community used to say. The little 5 foot woman who taught me how to bake and make fried eggs on an electric griddle. She complimented me for not getting burned at the camper (though she knew I NEVER burned even after being in the sun for hours).

All this reminiscing, reminds me of a saying "it takes a village to raise a child." I had a village: 4 grandparents, and 8 aunts and uncles (not including spouses or girl/boyfriends). I miss my village. I feel that my kids are missing out by not having a village. They need a village.
I know before I can plan out my future and where to go from here; I need to fix my past. I need to fix my relationships with my grandmother and probably my father. I'm sure many more family members, but one person at a time. I also have to come to terms with my grandfather's death, which happened almost 3 years ago but I still cry like a baby at the mention of his name let alone anything else. I'm sure it's not healthy that I haven't been back to his gravesite since his funeral. The reason is because then his death will be real. I don't want it to be. He was my wisest elder who kept my other elder in line. Now, I only have 3 elders (though it feels like I only have 2). Now, my only debate is whether I should call my grandmother and speak to her or write her a letter telling her how I feel. I know one way or another, I need to. 

coming to terms

I'm not very happy with my father. He had a BBQ yesterday and called everyone but me. Why? What have I done to offend him or anyone else? Nothing. I would understand if I was or have been a bitchy little girl but I never have been. Actually, I've always been quite the opposite. Always doing what has been asked of me with little to no question. Took care of my depressed mother, kept a slight eye on my younger brothers which after a bit grew tiresome and I left it to my parents. Grant it my relationship with Dad has been strained for the past year or so since he divorced my mother and married his mistress. Yes, I am still a little upset about how the divorce went down and the lies told. I'm more upset with him because he lied to me. I want to be ok with everything. I really do pretend to be alright with it all, but sometimes it's not ok especially since he does all kinds of things with my brothers and her daughters. Him spending more time with her daughters is what upsets me the most. I know it could just be because I've always been daddy's little girl and now I question that. Really, I've only been the only girl he has taken care of...now there are four bitches who are getting more attention than me. Even when my parents were together, my dad put me above my mother so....I have been put up on this princess pedestal. I do know how childish and immature that sounds. It's how I feel. Somehow, I need to come to terms with the fact that I'm not the only one anymore. I know thus far it all sounds small and petty....but it's not just these few little things. When Alex has his appendix taken out he didn't come to the hospital to see him but he did when my brother did. Two ...maybe three phone calls....and none since we came home from the hospital. He could be keeping his distance because he thinks I'm still pissed about how things went down with the divorce. I had to clean up his mess which yeah I am still mad about but I'm getting over it. Now I'm starting to wonder since I've mentioned it three times now. Honestly, I think it has nothing to do with that. As selfish as it sounds, it really is all about me and how I'm being treated. I was mad ....because of that...I pushed him away. Now I'm pouting about it. Yes, I do acknowledge the stupidity and childishness of it all on my part. I'm also not sure how to fix it. I'm going to call him when I get off work tomorrow. I would call him tonight but my mother is here and I don't want to have that conversation with her here. It would make things even the more awkward that it is.   

Day 3 of Tim's antics

Today is the third day that Tim has been yelling, screaming and basically bitching about everything. First he was upset because Alex didn't go out and train Flash at the exact moment that Tim said. Grant it, Alex should've  went out and trained the dog. But he didn't thus so Tim went off the deep end. He started yelling--literally yelling.  Stating that Alex is a bad kid and he never listens....blah blah blah. He does listen. At times, he thinks he's rebelling against whatever teens are rebelling against. There are a few things that Tim was correct about...such as Alex should've done what he was told without flying off at the mouth. Tim should've tried to hit Alex with a closed fist though according to Tim, he never intended to hit Alex. Tim keeps going on and on about it. To Tim the only punishment for the children is spankings something which I really prefer not to use. I have spanked the twins after they destroy things or make severe messes.
Right now, Tim is talking to his mother which is just making the situation worse than better because she is blaming everything on me and Alex instead of making Tim realize that his reactions are over the top. He was angry after only a few minutes of speaking with Alex. This isn't a normal "I'm pissed off" kind of thing either. No this is I'm going to hurt or kill someone. I always stop Tim when he's like this because I'm scared he's going to hurt someone.
I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle from Tim. Everyday, it's something new. Yesterday, it was I'm a bitch and ask too much from him. He is depressed. That's why he can't do anything around the house. He hasn't done any type of housework since May. I've done everything with Alex helping occasionally. Yesterday, I asked him why he doesn't help around the house more. Yes I probably didn't use very good tact. It would be a different story if he worked a lot but he doesn't. He doesn't work at all. He's a student. An online student. He's always home. But yet I'm the one who scrubs the kitchen floor and the bathroom down. I'm the only one who does laundry and puts it away. I'm tired. I'm tired of working and going to school full time. I'm tired of being the only one who does anything around the house.
The day before he started a fight because he wanted sex while I was sleeping. It's my fault because I didn't wake up when he wanted sex!?! For crying out loud! I was sleeping. Instead we fought for over three hours about everything from lack of sex to how his PTSD is not being treated to how I was raised was wrong because I was not abused as a child and I grew up with both of my parents.

karma

Tonight, I was IMing my father. He was trying to talk me into attending his new in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. Now why in the world would I want to attend that? According to him, it's because they are family now. They want us there. Yeah right! My ass! I don't know why they even give a shit about us. I don't even know their names. I have only met these people maybe...three times. If that. I just don't feel connected to them at all. Besides just because one marries doesn't make you family....it just means you're related. To me, family is who looks out for you and cares for you and on occasion...will drop you a line just to see how you are. Right now, I guess I'm overly critical of others. I'm in a very distrustful place. Too many people have lied to me including my father. With him, I placed him on a pedestal way too high. A pedestal he should not have even been on. I could still be frustrated about the goings from this week. I need to find a way to purge all this anxiety and frustration. I only hope that my frustrations and such will be purged soon. I'm not sure how much longer my emotions can stand to be within myself. I must find way to purge them. Let the brain storming begin.

Agnst

I'm not real sure what to write about today all I know is that I must write. I know not what of but something. I wish I could say I have something inspiring to say or witty but both elude me today. That could be because I was awaken abruptly by my boys or the headache or my bladder all of which informed me to get up. My mind wanted to stay in my unconscious state of bliss where I brillantly bring my stories together. It's a shame that I can't write these things down while in this state (believe me I've tried). I have found out that if the same images and story repeats at least three or more times; I'm actually able to remember it and thus able to get it written down. Odd as it is, I've been trying to repeat my dreams and thoughts when in this state of limbo. I'm hoping this will become a habit.
Shortly, after I awoke, the day has been slowly plummeting. First with Tim's grouchiness, then Alex's teen angst, followed by Mathew wanting to be like Alex, then the twins thinking they have free-will. All amounts to children who are unwilling to do their chores in order to play the wii. I must say that Tim has been helping around the house much more than before. It could be because I've been doing things which can be seen instead of the santitizing that is not easily recognizable. At this moment, Tim is organizing the garage which means I'll never find something I need from there, but at least it looks better than before. Mathew is finally getting himself in gear. Alex says after his shower he will motivate himself to get his stuff done, we'll see. The twins--well, they will have to motivated yet again because cartoons revolve what they do. I should be doing something other than this such as the laundry, reading my homework assignment, anything other than what I am doing. That's okay. I know I will get everything done. I always do.

not a good start

This morning was not the best start to my day. I woke up to screaming children then a crabby husband gripping about how the oldest is playing the PS3 without permission. Honestly, how can he ask permission when everyone is asleep? I thought it was stupid especially since Tim hopped on the thing mere seconds after he kicked Alex off. Selfish jerk. I think he was just mad because he's scared the boy will start to get better than he is on it and he does want that.
All morning Mathew has been yelling at the twins. I lost count how many times I've told him to quit yelling. It's just a game. He gets so emotional over a stupid game.
Flash won't shut up because he wants attention. Put him outside he whines, bring him in and he has to be constantly watched because he's a puppy. Tim and Alex put him in his cage too often. I feel bad for the little fellow when he gets stuck in there because no one wants to watch him to make sure he's not gettin into stuff.

The slacker is leaving the building......

I know I have been slacking as of recently but seriously.....I needed to. I have been going and going and going for so long I almost forgot how to relax. Sadly, it took some time for me to relax. Now that summer is coming to a close, I need to get reactivated. I need to return to my writing....get out of the notes stage and into the writing phase. I also need to refresh myself with my french especially since I am working with Dottie--Miss Language herself. As of tomorrow....the slacker will leave. She is going on vacation so the serious side can return to kick some academic butt. I know I should start now....but my fun slacker side is asking for one more night. I felt this is only fair since Miss serious didn't leave when she was asked. She didn't leave till a week later. It's fair that I give the slacker another few hours. In the morning, she will be gone. We shall see how motivated Tim stays also. He was really on top of things this evening. He cooked dinner, and did his homework. I am hoping this new side of him stays for more than just a few hours. He made a healthy dinner and went for a run this morning though personally, I am questioning this supposed run but why question something so frivolous. It's only hurting him but lying about exercising when he's not. It does hurt my feeling a bit. I know he lies when he's feeling self-conscious of himself. I know returning to school is an area he's very uncomfortable with especially since he was not the best student in high school. He hardly ever attended school let alone actually do homework. This is something he is very unfamiliar with. These are things I try to remember when he lies. I know he doesn't do it on purpose....when I do call him out it causes more problems than just letting it go. I bruise his ego when I do. I need to remember that guys' ego are fragile and if the ego is not fed often enough it leads down a very dark and lonely path.

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romance dwendling

Christina, my best friend since i was 14 and my sister in law is having marriage problems. I am ashamed to say.....I knew it was coming since the day they began dating. I am even more ashamed that I almost feel happy about it. Happy because I have always believed they were not right for each other. My favorite picture of her she was a gorgeous happy 16 year with very few worries. A year later, she lost her boyfriend to a tragic car accident and within a few months, she is married to Rex pregnant with Jada. I have felt that she was robbed of some of her teen years by marrying Rex. Part of me understands why she did--she was grieving for her boyfriend. In a way, it was like Rex took advantage of her grieving. After Chris found out she was pregnant, he wanted her to sever ties with Eric's family and made her return all of Eric's stuff to his parents. I could be bias because I didn't like Rex from the start but he treated her good even though they were always struggling for money. There has always been one thing about him that I always hated. It still bothers me.....he treats her as if she is his possession. She is his. Nobody belongs to another person. That statement just burns me up. It makes me want to smack the shit out of him while telling him this is 2009--not 1950! No woman is a man's possession.
But at the same time, she's my friend--my sister. She's hurting. I want so badly to just take all the pain away to make things better. I wish I could just fix it. She told me she was broken and can't be fixed. I wish I could just piece everything back together for her. But I know only she can do that. She has to fix herself. She has to fix her family whether it's with or without Rex.

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stress and laundry

Why does everything seem worse when there is a boatload of laundry to do? Do the two really have a connection? Though I seriously doubt it.....it does occur quite often for me. Instead of stressing about the big things that I really should be upset about I stress about the damn laundry. There's too much of in the bedroom....my hamper is overflowing. Why is it that no one....and I mean no one can actually put clothes in the hamper instead of in front of, beside, behind the hamper? Is it embedded in the Y chromosome to not put clothes in the hamper? A friend told me no though I am not sure I believe him. Honestly, what's it matter whether or not all the clothes in the bathroom are washed or if the boys' hamper is absolutely empty but the floor is unseen. In the big picture of it all.....it doesn't matter. As long as the whole family has clean clothes does it matter if ALL the clothes are clean? No. But then if I don't obsesses about something as small and minuscule as the laundry then what? The dishes? Or the dust on the dragons? The laundry is a distraction from the important things....like money, schoolwork, work issues, friend issues, Tim's issues and/or problems, ect.

Anxious for vacation

This is where we are going for vacation! I can't wait. Get away from work, classes, worrying about every little thing. No worries for 7 days. I am ready to lay in the sun with a book while I watch the twins play on the beach. In the evenings, I will be on the enclosed porch swing watching the wildlife and basking in the stillness of the evening. I will enjoy every minute of tranquility. No tv, no radio (unless I break out the laptop which I will have to take because of my online class). Tim keeps talking about fishing from sun up to sun down. I don't think he'll be out that long each day but he'll try. He only talks about going fishing and being out on the boat all day. I think we should take the whole family out on a boat ride a day or two. Really I just want to be on the beach. I am soo ready to get outta here for awhile. I know everyone else is ready too. The kids are talking about what they want to do. Tim and his fishing.....all he talks about is fishing. He does really enjoy it for the life of me I have no idea why but he does. I believe I will need to begin a countdown to vacation.

A frustrating Day

The day has not been one of the peachiest. I had a very restless sleep. The entire day all i have heard is children fighting and bickering with one another. Alex had an attitude problem for a bit and Mathew was just whining. Nothing bad has happened today though nothing good has either. For some reason I have pretty frustrated with everyone and everything. If one person whines just a little.....it gets on my nerves as if they have been carrying on for hours. It could just be that I am frustrated period and it is carrying over onto the children. Maybe things will be better after they go to bed. Why do the twins like to run throughout the apartment when they know it's against the rules? I swear they plot...."let's figure out what else we can do to make mom mad."
It's only 8:30pm and.....oh the kids are soooo wired. and now Tim wants to go to the hospital just because his ear has excessive wax build up that is blocking his hearing a bit. It bothers me since I've had an ear infection for almost two weeks with only partial hearing and yet he goes to the hospital just for some ear wax. It's like come on really? He goes to the hospital for all kinds of things instead of waiting until the doctor office opens to see the doctor.

A very weird day

The day began off key and ended even worse. I had problems sleeping again due to the choking issues from my sinus infection then only to awake at 6, hop off to work only to find out that my mothers thing is tomorrow so I had to take her all the way back to my place. I knew this would completely infuriate Tim but I was just trying to dump her off so I wouldn't be too late to work. Tim kept calling me because she was driving him insane with her constant whining and complaining about nothing. How does one complain about nothing. Because what she is complaining about is so unimportant.....it's nothing to anyone. She is only complaining to her her own voice. On top of it all......I have to help her find a place in Richmond. Oh I am so not looking forward to that. I am just ready for the upside of my life. Everything has been on the downside.....we are fine.....but not great....not good. Just fine. We are surviving. I don't want to survive anymore. I want to be comfortable .....no I want to be happy. I want to stop struggling. I want to bask in happiness. Maybe this is why I am having so many problem with writing. Honestly, I'm not real sure what I want but I know what don't want. I don't want an apartment that is cluttered as it is. I don't want all the bickering and nit-picking that has been happening. I don't want to stay home all the time.

busy days among the sick

I have not been feeling well lately. I've been hoarse from my sinuses dripping into my throat. Tim made me go to the doctor since I was so run down and such. I found out I have a sinus infection. I'm still hoarse, but now I also have this nasty cough which hurts every time I cough. I just hate being sick even if it is just my sinuses. I really should go to Stacie's graduation party but I really don't feel like it. All I really want to do is go in my room sleep, watch movies, read, and write a bit.
Why is it so difficult lately to write? I love writing. Is it the pressure of publishing? Failure? Success? Laziness? I really don't know right now. I do know that I feel like shit whether this feeling stems from lack of writing or my sinuses affecting me remains to be answered. Time will tell which it is. I originally was going to write about how Tim had another episode but somehow that just seems insignificant. But why is it so unimportant? Am I that shallow right now that his problems are less compared to my own? Especially since my issues are actually quite small to his. At least he has reasons for everything he is going through.....his PTSD has affected him in ways no one realized until he could no longer ingnore them. I was quite proud of him yesterday during IUEast graduation ceremony. There was a very large crowd, he did not panic until later when he had been in the crowd for a long period of time. His panic attack did not last very long after he was able to distance himself from the crowd. I think one of the reasons why he had problems sleeping last night was due to the panic attck and the crowd. He also woke up today angry. Although, the anger could have been because the smaller three were being loud, and fighting/bickering with each other. His episode today could've had nothing to do with the PTSD but his lack of knowing how to cope with his emotions such as anger.

My sweet boys

My sweet twins singing to Alvin and the Chipmunks. They are so sweet like this. It's just too bad that they are not like that more often. They grow up so fast. I can't believe they are five years old already....almost 6. Yikes! Wow, I can't believe how quickly they grow.