resentment

My parents are getting divorced. It wouldn't be so bad, but my mother hasn't worked for 15 years thus any job skills she used to have will not suffice now. She used to work as a nurse aide, the place she worked closed, she hasn't worked since. Instead, she stayed home to take care of myself and my two younger brothers. Things did not improve because she was home, things slowly worsened, mom slipped into a depression. If I am honest with myself, I think she is still depressed today. I believe because of this I am a bit angry at my father for overlooking her condition. Instead, he kept pushing my mother off on me something that made me resent my mother for years. I didn't stop resenting her until my father informed my mother of his affair, girlfriend, and wanting a divorce. At first, I didn't blame him. The more I helped my mother, the more I realized he created the situation more so than she did. The only thing she did was stay home and be depressed. He was looking for a girlfriend when I was in high school and possibly before. Granted, my mother could have went back to work, instead she stayed in her depression and in the control of my father. I suppose now I am creating an resentment towards my father which is a surprise since I have always been "daddy's little girl" This is a bit of change for me. I think it's because I can see the small pieces from my childhood that created this mess. Nobody said or did anything. I could even see pieces as a teen, I did nothing but use it to my advantage to get what I wanted. At that time, I wanted my parents to get divorced. I hated my life....everything about it. I hated my parents because they were the adults but did nothing to improve the situation. Now, I understand a bit why my mother did nothing....she was scared. Scared of what my father would do. Scared that he would take everything, leaving her with nothing.

Scared of his return

I am very nervous and anxious about my husband coming home. I don't know what to expect from him. How much has he changed? How much have I changed? I have been a single mom for a little over 10 months. We have routines and systems. How will he react to the boys? Will he be overly strict or criticize how lenient I am? Lately, I feel I have slacked a bit when it comes to discipline. I get tired and exhausted. I just don't have the energy to correct them for every little thing they do. Later, I feel like a horrible mother because I didn't bust on them. This is one reason why I can't wait for Tim to come home. When these incidents arise, he can jump in and give me a break. We used to be partners in everything. (Though at times it didn't feel that way.) If I was tired or he was the other would jump in and take care of the boys. I am really scared about his reactions to how me and the boys act now verses how we used to act before he left. That and I don't clean the house as thoroughly as I used to. I'm scared he'll gripe at me for it. I guess, I'm scared that he will be a grouchy jerk who goes to work and complains when he is home. He was like that with one of his past jobs. That attitude almost ended our marriage because I could not deal with the constant bitching and complaining.

Missed Lunch

Today has been very hectic. I have a standing lunch date with my friend, Mandy. Today was so hectic that I forgot to call her to tell her I was too swamped to leave the office. Instead, we ordered pizza. Poor Mandy had to spend her lunch break in my office. I feel so bad. The whole reason we go out for lunch is to get away from the campus and offices. It is also the time where we vent to each other about our co-workers or life itself. I cherish these lunches we have. I can talk about anything and vice versa without worrying about whether another person or co-worker will walk in and overhear the conversation.