One more day

Anxiety is slowly diminishing. I have moments where I can breathe. I wish it was more than just moments though I know soon I will only have moments of anxiety--that's what I'm striving for. Vacation begins tomorrow after work. I have finished my Virtual CV assignment for Natalia--all I have left for it, is the reflection. Jean, I have to write a non fiction piece about nature. That should be fairly easy though I will want to sit in nature and just listen. The words will flow on their own. Nature will write the story. I want to model my story after Scott Sander's piece, "Master of Nature." I hope that's the name of the story. He wrote such and eloquent and calming story. The calmness of that story captivated my attention. It could be because I was having such a hectic day; I read the story while on lunch break. The story had such a zen like affect on me. The timing of reading it was perfect due to the whirlwind of a day I was having.
One more day is how I end tonight's blog. One more day till my relaxation on the beach with a book and my notebook. One more day till I will be able to write in peace while the twins play in the sand.

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Anxieties and the future

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Today, I opened a LinkedIn account which made me think of the future. Where will I be in a year, five years, and so on. Will I be doing what I want or out of necessity? I can to the more immediate future because what happens this coming semester will have an effect of the next year or so. Do I take the GRE Exam this falll? Am I ready for Grad School? Do I want and MFA or do I want to do something else within higher education, maybe a MS or EdD in Higher Education? The more I think about the future, the more anxiety I get from it. Then there's the "what ifs" What if I fail a class or even get a C which will pull my GPA down (something I can't afford since I want to bring it up closer to 3.5 so I can graduate with Distinction). I need to stop thinking so much. Just relax a little bit before the fall begins. Before all the whirlwind of GRE Exams begin, before portfolios, applications for Grad school and/or job applicants. 

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another hot day

Today at work, we celebrated Paul's promotion to full professor. The only downside was that the party was outside on the patio which made the whole thing very excruciatingly hot. I thought I was going to die the whole thirty minutes we were out there. Michelle had to make an excuse to leave the party outside in order to go back to her air conditioned office. The downside of Paul's party is watching Paul eat...uck....he always has food falling out of his mouth and the food is all over his mouth and face. It makes you wonder if he learned table manners from a pack of wolves. I was quite grateful when I was able to leave and go back to my office.

countdown to a deadline

With my deadline fast approaching, I am stuck. I have yet to decide upon the topic of my nonfiction essay let alone write it. The time is ticking away. I know I should not be such a procrastinator but yet I did. I should've at least picked my topic a few days ago and did some sort of prewriting. Last night, I had this brilliant idea...I didn't stop and write it down instead I played it out in my head, allowed it to briskly walk out of my mind while I was eating supper. This afternoon while I was cleaning the pool another idea came to me about the purpose of blogging. I think I'll attempt this concept. The whole premise is to attempt to figure out why people blog. I know why I blog--at first it was because I know so many people who do...peer pressure made me begin. My love of writing is why I continue. Why do people blog about the best way to skim a pool or those damn mommy blogs to science geeks giving everyone their latest thoughts about microphysics--everyone has something to say. But why do we feel that everyone else wants to know about these latest and greatest epiphanies? It's not like those annoying mommy blogs are all that great--yes funny at times if you find the right blog but for the most part quite boring learning about how little Timmy made a pee two days in a row or how little Suzi has drawn on her floral walls again causing her mother to think the child has artistic talent when by the photo attached to the entry clearly shows little Suzi has the same artistic talent that every other three year has. Really what are we all accomplishing by blogging everyday or in some cases every hour? Do we really have that much to say? Are we that interesting?  In some cases, no. There's always that exception to the rule. That one person who does it for the sheer joy of writing and sharing ideas. Who wants to help others bake that vegan apple pie to perfection or to help little Johnny make a bird house for his scouting badge or just to share their day with someone else. Rest assured there is a blogger out there with your interest--there's a million of us out there sharing, posting, and vlogging.
The ending sucks. It needs work. A good start. Works still needs to be done. That's what editing is all about!!

Drought

What to write about....how hot and humid it is...nah. I'm not sure if there is an appropriate adjective to describe the tepid air, the non circulation of nothing, the stank of sweat, the stickiness of skin, the intake of air only for it to increase the heat of the room. The way everything thing feels....the dampness of the furniture to the film upon the wood. Nothing is as it should be. The drought is upon the Midwest with no desire to leave. What a bummer. I had high hopes of a fun summer outside with the boys only to be shut up inside due to the incredible humidity and heat. At times, we have said screw it, played out in the pool or with the twin's sprinkler toys though both are only short term distractions from the permeance  of the stagnant air. I do wish for a nice long cool rain.....to water my garden and cool things down. I'm sure if that did happen it would only make the humidity even higher and harder to breathe.

coming to terms

I'm not very happy with my father. He had a BBQ yesterday and called everyone but me. Why? What have I done to offend him or anyone else? Nothing. I would understand if I was or have been a bitchy little girl but I never have been. Actually, I've always been quite the opposite. Always doing what has been asked of me with little to no question. Took care of my depressed mother, kept a slight eye on my younger brothers which after a bit grew tiresome and I left it to my parents. Grant it my relationship with Dad has been strained for the past year or so since he divorced my mother and married his mistress. Yes, I am still a little upset about how the divorce went down and the lies told. I'm more upset with him because he lied to me. I want to be ok with everything. I really do pretend to be alright with it all, but sometimes it's not ok especially since he does all kinds of things with my brothers and her daughters. Him spending more time with her daughters is what upsets me the most. I know it could just be because I've always been daddy's little girl and now I question that. Really, I've only been the only girl he has taken care of...now there are four bitches who are getting more attention than me. Even when my parents were together, my dad put me above my mother so....I have been put up on this princess pedestal. I do know how childish and immature that sounds. It's how I feel. Somehow, I need to come to terms with the fact that I'm not the only one anymore. I know thus far it all sounds small and petty....but it's not just these few little things. When Alex has his appendix taken out he didn't come to the hospital to see him but he did when my brother did. Two ...maybe three phone calls....and none since we came home from the hospital. He could be keeping his distance because he thinks I'm still pissed about how things went down with the divorce. I had to clean up his mess which yeah I am still mad about but I'm getting over it. Now I'm starting to wonder since I've mentioned it three times now. Honestly, I think it has nothing to do with that. As selfish as it sounds, it really is all about me and how I'm being treated. I was mad ....because of that...I pushed him away. Now I'm pouting about it. Yes, I do acknowledge the stupidity and childishness of it all on my part. I'm also not sure how to fix it. I'm going to call him when I get off work tomorrow. I would call him tonight but my mother is here and I don't want to have that conversation with her here. It would make things even the more awkward that it is.