a great beginning

I am excited about this semester. I won the Secretary position for Student Government along with being an officer of Humanities Club. I am totally stoked about my writing. I have been writing quite a bit.Today in particular has been a very blissful day. Oddly, enough nothing happened that was awesome or anything. If truth be known, nothing good and nothing bad happened. The only difference is that I began the day writing. I may have to do this more often. Last night, I fell asleep writing. Writing has brightened my day. I discovered so many things about my characters in the past few days. I know that John did try to keep Kate away from him but she keeps throwing herself on him. For some reason I always felt like John is a total sleeze for cheating on Lacey but I suppose now he doesn't seem like a total sleeze now....just a slight sleeze.

I am so happy that I don't think anyone could rain on my mood. I really have no explanation for think blissful mood.

Writing & Panic attacks

I am trying to figure out why I feel a tightening in my stomach every time I sit down to write. Or I will draw complete blanks. I will completely forget the scene I was about to write. I can't come up with another scene....I haven't been able to clearly formulate a scene for days. I need to get on the ball and get something figured out whether it be from the beginning middle or end. I need to get something down.
*scene ideas*
--Liz's miscarriage
--Casey's OD and the after effects
--Josh's leave
I will come back to this blog so as to give me inspiration to write. I will begin writing about the three scenes above. Casey's story should be very good..since she has a little girl maybe about toddler years? Liz has to move from her loss of her own baby to caring for this cute little girl who has been through a trying experience with her mother who is addicted to some type of drug (I'll specify the drug at a later date possibly as I am writing). I feel very surreal right now. I have a plan I know where the story is going, I know what I am doing for the next week. I have goals. I have plans. I have something to count.

Overwhelmed!

I am extremely relieved that the semester is finally over. Yea! But on the down side of that is now I have to really focus on my writing. For some reason this scared the shit out of me. I think it's because now....I'm not just pretending to be a writer, I am a writer. As a writer, there are certain expectations which come with this label such as being a published writer. Really, is one a writer if they are not published? Are they just pretending if not published? OH geez that first rejection! Ouch! Always hurts. Could not being published the fear of rejection instead of fear of writing--the fear of truth? Why write? Do I have to? Sometimes--yes I do. But other times--no. So then why go through all the hassle? There are better writers. There are worse. So why torture yourself? Writing can at times be torturous. But it also calms me. I feel at peace while in my writing world. It's a place where I am someone else. Someone with different worries and different problems. Someone who is like me but not. Someone who lives like me but doesn't. Someone who despises me but loves me. It's a world where I can be completely myself or the opposite.
This could be why I am having problems focusing on my current writing project, I don't want to be me. The characters are very much like me. Almost too much. I feel like in a way they are me. That is scary. Rejection is scary. I'm just scared, and I don't like that.

Josh

These are some thing I know about Josh.
Name: Joshua Randall Bly
Age: 26
Married to Elizabeth
Parents: Lacey and John Bly
Dislikes: stupid people, his "best friend," people who uses facades
Likes: running, beaches, swimming, windsurfing, baseball
Wishes: to have his life back as it was before his father had cancer
Hopes: to get the hell out of his hometown
has one half sibling from an affair his father had who is just two months younger than himself.
Happiest: when he lived in North Carolina
Unhappiest: Iraq
Scariest: not knowing anything about his wife when she was in the hospital
Someone he misses: Granddad--who died when he was 15
Car he drives: 2007 Ford Mustang--Cherry Red
He designed and built the house he & Liz lives in. He gave it to her as an anniversary gift.
He loves his mother unconditionally but hates his father with a passion
Works: Bly Constructions as President with his father and half- brother, Caleb
Favorite drink: Irish Coffee
Favorite Food: Cheeseburger from Cathy's Restaurant on Salem St.
Favorite place: Liz's aunt's beach house in North Carolina
Biggest Fear: Liz will leave him for Caleb

Understanding Josh

I have been trying to write the next chapter of this novel for the last three days, yet all I have to show for it is a few decent paragraphs. I guess its at least a start, but I just wish I had more. I might be trying to push too much or I'm just not making enough time for it to flow. I read a bit from my book of exercises, do an exercise, then not much else. I need to then immediately startn on the novel. I am not spending enough time with my characters. I need to get to know them again especially since Josh has developed a mental disorder. I need to get to know the adult Josh. When I began writing with these characters, most of the story was Josh growing up though more and more of the story is his adulthood. I think the story is essentially about him as an adult but I had to write about him as a child in order to understand why he is the way he is.