headache

I woke up morning with a huge headache. At first, I thought it was due to sleeping too much but....no...it was waking up to the boys yelling and fighting with each other. Ugh. Why can't I wake up one morning without hearing them fighting about their playstation or the game they are playing or the pretend game they invented. All day they have been hyper. No matter what activity I give them to do it lasts for a few moments before they run off to hassle each other. I just wish I could find an activity that will keep their attention for more than five minutes (other than playing video games even that they heckle each other over).

I'm sure it doesn't help that, overall, I am very frustrated. I'm frustrated because I don't have a job...hell not even a job interview has popped up. It makes me feel very inadequate as if the last five years of my life has been for nothing. I am in a worse situation than before I went to college because not only do I not have a job but I have student loans to pay back. Ughhh!! Even the act of apply for positions is very frustrating. I'm either over qualified or under...I feel like what the heck?! I went to school for five years to be over qualified or I don't have enough experience or a Masters. Another Uggh! I know I should take it in stride but I've never really had to look for a job before. They always came to me or other people brought them to me. It's just really weird to have to find a job when I've never had to do it before. No wonder so many ppl decide to stay on unemployment. This who job hunting thing sucks! I know I sound like a pampered twenty-something who has never left the comforts of mommy and daddy's house when in actuality I have been on my own for quite sometime. Who would've thought that a thirty--err twenty-nine year old would be having problems finding a job.

I need to find something to do that will help me with all the frustration I have. Maybe I should take up running or exercise

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insomniac writing

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I have been trying to sleep for the last two hours. Finally, I decided to get up and do something. What's the first thing I grab? My laptop. Should be a good sign? Not really. Only because the first thing I do is log into Facebook. I think this is the first sign that I am on Facebook waaay too much. If I am wondering what others are saying after midnight or curious if anyone has responded to my postings ....worse yet...if anyone has been added to a new game I found in Facebook. Do I have enough "allies" to finish my building? Do I have enough energy to complete the next task? Yeah, I'm that pathetic now. I tried to tell myself, "I will not get on Facebook tomorrow!" Repeated with more emphasis, "I WILL not get on Facebook....for more than an hour!" Seriously, What is wrong with me? Nothing important happens on Facebook and the games are well, just games. They can wait until I send out resumes, cover letters, and make my phone calls. They can wait until I get the dishes done and the bathroom put together.
The bigger issue for me is why am I avoiding things? Am I afraid of what I will find? Or scared of rejection?Could be. Tomorrow will tell.

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drama

I think it is crap when people can say as they please without thinking about anyone else's feelings. On one of the happiest evenings, I was (still am) upset from a comment from a family member who instead of being happy decided to down-grade me. Well of course I'm not going to invite you if you are going to name call and carry on in such a childish manner. Why would I have anything further to do with you after being called so many names? I know I could have handled it differently but I was fed up with his rude comments. So, I told him off which of course he went running to mommy. Really? He's in his forties and he's still running to mommy when he gets into trouble. Grow up! If you can't dish it out, then shut the hell up. Facebook

Boredom from being a successful student

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In two days, I will be graduating with my Bachelor of Arts in English with honors might I add. I feel very privileged to be graduating with such an honor, I don't want Friday to come. I don't because that will mean an end to my undergraduate career. I know, I should be looking forward to the future with working and graduate school--I'm petrified. I don't want to leave the safety of my undergrad umbrella. I'm scared. Due to this utter fear, I haven't sent out any resumes or applications. I know that is what I should be doing. Pounding the pavement, dredging up whatever I can to pay back my loans and support by boys. I can't. Instead, I have sat on this sofa for two days wallowing in self pity. First, it was due to the fact, I had nothing to push forward to. No homework deadlines. No professors pushing me. Nothing. I was lost that first day. I was miserable. I still feel like that. That was followed by "what now?" I decided it would best for me to take a year off to figure out exactly what I want to do. Do I want to go to grad school? If so, for what? English? Student Affairs in Higher Education? Writing? Or do I just want to get a job to support my family? I don't know (I will need to work in some form to pay the bills). I feel deadlocked. To make matters worse, I spent my entire weekend, last week revising a paper only to get a C. Hell, I shouldn't have revised it so much. I should have left it as the block style instead of the integration form I went with. I'm mad at myself for that. I should be celebrating how great it is to be completing my degree. Instead, I'm moping.
I'm sure it doesn't help that my mother's side of the family and my father's are bickering about whether they have to sit together. I want to scream at them and say "GET OVER YOURSELF!! THIS IS MY GRADUATION. AND YOU'RE RUINING IT!" They are why I'm not having a party. I'm also a bit upset because I have won a bunch of awards lately but to them it's not enough or it's no big deal. HELLO! It is a big deal when only one person gets this award a year. It's a big freakin deal! Right now, everyone sucks. 
To top it all off, I'm bored. Yeah, I have housework to do and resume stuff. Do I do it? Nah. Instead, I waste my time on Facebook. Why? Well why not? Ok, I did get 97% of the laundry done. But my butt hasn't made it to the kitchen yet to clean. I must get that done today or well it's just not sanitary otherwise. No matter how lazy I am....dishes always get done. 

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One more day

Anxiety is slowly diminishing. I have moments where I can breathe. I wish it was more than just moments though I know soon I will only have moments of anxiety--that's what I'm striving for. Vacation begins tomorrow after work. I have finished my Virtual CV assignment for Natalia--all I have left for it, is the reflection. Jean, I have to write a non fiction piece about nature. That should be fairly easy though I will want to sit in nature and just listen. The words will flow on their own. Nature will write the story. I want to model my story after Scott Sander's piece, "Master of Nature." I hope that's the name of the story. He wrote such and eloquent and calming story. The calmness of that story captivated my attention. It could be because I was having such a hectic day; I read the story while on lunch break. The story had such a zen like affect on me. The timing of reading it was perfect due to the whirlwind of a day I was having.
One more day is how I end tonight's blog. One more day till my relaxation on the beach with a book and my notebook. One more day till I will be able to write in peace while the twins play in the sand.

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Anxieties and the future

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Today, I opened a LinkedIn account which made me think of the future. Where will I be in a year, five years, and so on. Will I be doing what I want or out of necessity? I can to the more immediate future because what happens this coming semester will have an effect of the next year or so. Do I take the GRE Exam this falll? Am I ready for Grad School? Do I want and MFA or do I want to do something else within higher education, maybe a MS or EdD in Higher Education? The more I think about the future, the more anxiety I get from it. Then there's the "what ifs" What if I fail a class or even get a C which will pull my GPA down (something I can't afford since I want to bring it up closer to 3.5 so I can graduate with Distinction). I need to stop thinking so much. Just relax a little bit before the fall begins. Before all the whirlwind of GRE Exams begin, before portfolios, applications for Grad school and/or job applicants. 

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another hot day

Today at work, we celebrated Paul's promotion to full professor. The only downside was that the party was outside on the patio which made the whole thing very excruciatingly hot. I thought I was going to die the whole thirty minutes we were out there. Michelle had to make an excuse to leave the party outside in order to go back to her air conditioned office. The downside of Paul's party is watching Paul eat...uck....he always has food falling out of his mouth and the food is all over his mouth and face. It makes you wonder if he learned table manners from a pack of wolves. I was quite grateful when I was able to leave and go back to my office.