more health issues

I am getting quite sick and tired of being sick. Last week, I went to the doctor for my sinuses something I knew was infected and yet again I went back to the doctor my ears. Ha! What'd ya know! I have fluid behind both ears. He just gave me even more meds to take. Oh! I hate it when I'm right sometimes. I really do wish the ringing in my ears would stop. It's beyond annoying. According to Harshbarger, the ringing will stop when I'm able to get all the flem and mucus to break up that's lying in my sinus cavity and now my ear canals. What's a bit sad is the only I've talked about lately is my health and allergy problems. I need to write but for some reason I have no desire to.

busy days among the sick

I have not been feeling well lately. I've been hoarse from my sinuses dripping into my throat. Tim made me go to the doctor since I was so run down and such. I found out I have a sinus infection. I'm still hoarse, but now I also have this nasty cough which hurts every time I cough. I just hate being sick even if it is just my sinuses. I really should go to Stacie's graduation party but I really don't feel like it. All I really want to do is go in my room sleep, watch movies, read, and write a bit.
Why is it so difficult lately to write? I love writing. Is it the pressure of publishing? Failure? Success? Laziness? I really don't know right now. I do know that I feel like shit whether this feeling stems from lack of writing or my sinuses affecting me remains to be answered. Time will tell which it is. I originally was going to write about how Tim had another episode but somehow that just seems insignificant. But why is it so unimportant? Am I that shallow right now that his problems are less compared to my own? Especially since my issues are actually quite small to his. At least he has reasons for everything he is going through.....his PTSD has affected him in ways no one realized until he could no longer ingnore them. I was quite proud of him yesterday during IUEast graduation ceremony. There was a very large crowd, he did not panic until later when he had been in the crowd for a long period of time. His panic attack did not last very long after he was able to distance himself from the crowd. I think one of the reasons why he had problems sleeping last night was due to the panic attck and the crowd. He also woke up today angry. Although, the anger could have been because the smaller three were being loud, and fighting/bickering with each other. His episode today could've had nothing to do with the PTSD but his lack of knowing how to cope with his emotions such as anger.

lost

I feel like I am just wandering through life lately without any real purpose. I get up go to work come home, eat get kids to bed, watch tv a bit, go to bed. Same ole, same ole. Its funny because I love routine but lately I really hate it--almost despise it. Maybe its because what I really want to do is write. That what I need to do, so why do I put it off. I feel the pressure of others telling that I need to write--to be published but yet I write very little. Am I sabotaging myself? Do I not want to succeed? Or am I scared of what will happen if I do? It could be the opposite too--scared of rejection and/or failure. What I need to do is pull up my big girl panties and write. Not listen to what others tell me about writing or publishing (all that takes the fun out of writing). Go escape to my writing. Let it release me from the mundane routine of life.

disappointing party

I was a bit disappointed in the party we planned for TJ. It was more like a retirement party than an appreciation party. I think we should have just had the BBQ or party at someone's house like Alisa's or Cooksey's place. We could have bought the meat and a few drinks. But Michelle didn't listen to me. I didn't think he would like the party and actually I think he was a bit embarassed by it. None of the other Deans showed up--only half of our faculty came. There was a decent turn out but not what it should have been. Many people just didn't understand what we were doing having a party for him. I can understand their confusion. He's not leaving, he's just stepping down.

My sweet boys

My sweet twins singing to Alvin and the Chipmunks. They are so sweet like this. It's just too bad that they are not like that more often. They grow up so fast. I can't believe they are five years old already....almost 6. Yikes! Wow, I can't believe how quickly they grow.

Semester Over!

Finally! The Spring semester is over! I didn't think it would ever end. I am so exhausted from this entire academic year. It began in the fall, carried over to the Spring. I'm sure my health issues from the beginning of Spring didn't help matters any. Of course all the issues going on at home just increases the exhaustion. Tim sleeping all the time, Alex and Tim not getting along, my inability to keep up with all the housework and be home for the boys. I always feel guilty for working and going to classes. I shouldn't feel guilty.....I'm spending loads of time on campus. I'm normally home an hour or so after the kids get out of school.

Overwhelmed!

I am extremely relieved that the semester is finally over. Yea! But on the down side of that is now I have to really focus on my writing. For some reason this scared the shit out of me. I think it's because now....I'm not just pretending to be a writer, I am a writer. As a writer, there are certain expectations which come with this label such as being a published writer. Really, is one a writer if they are not published? Are they just pretending if not published? OH geez that first rejection! Ouch! Always hurts. Could not being published the fear of rejection instead of fear of writing--the fear of truth? Why write? Do I have to? Sometimes--yes I do. But other times--no. So then why go through all the hassle? There are better writers. There are worse. So why torture yourself? Writing can at times be torturous. But it also calms me. I feel at peace while in my writing world. It's a place where I am someone else. Someone with different worries and different problems. Someone who is like me but not. Someone who lives like me but doesn't. Someone who despises me but loves me. It's a world where I can be completely myself or the opposite.
This could be why I am having problems focusing on my current writing project, I don't want to be me. The characters are very much like me. Almost too much. I feel like in a way they are me. That is scary. Rejection is scary. I'm just scared, and I don't like that.