One more day

Anxiety is slowly diminishing. I have moments where I can breathe. I wish it was more than just moments though I know soon I will only have moments of anxiety--that's what I'm striving for. Vacation begins tomorrow after work. I have finished my Virtual CV assignment for Natalia--all I have left for it, is the reflection. Jean, I have to write a non fiction piece about nature. That should be fairly easy though I will want to sit in nature and just listen. The words will flow on their own. Nature will write the story. I want to model my story after Scott Sander's piece, "Master of Nature." I hope that's the name of the story. He wrote such and eloquent and calming story. The calmness of that story captivated my attention. It could be because I was having such a hectic day; I read the story while on lunch break. The story had such a zen like affect on me. The timing of reading it was perfect due to the whirlwind of a day I was having.
One more day is how I end tonight's blog. One more day till my relaxation on the beach with a book and my notebook. One more day till I will be able to write in peace while the twins play in the sand.

Related articles by Zemanta

• Working Mindfully with Anxiety (psychologytoday.com)

Anxieties and the future

Image via Wikipedia

Today, I opened a LinkedIn account which made me think of the future. Where will I be in a year, five years, and so on. Will I be doing what I want or out of necessity? I can to the more immediate future because what happens this coming semester will have an effect of the next year or so. Do I take the GRE Exam this falll? Am I ready for Grad School? Do I want and MFA or do I want to do something else within higher education, maybe a MS or EdD in Higher Education? The more I think about the future, the more anxiety I get from it. Then there's the "what ifs" What if I fail a class or even get a C which will pull my GPA down (something I can't afford since I want to bring it up closer to 3.5 so I can graduate with Distinction). I need to stop thinking so much. Just relax a little bit before the fall begins. Before all the whirlwind of GRE Exams begin, before portfolios, applications for Grad school and/or job applicants. 

Related articles by Zemanta

• Taking the GRE: Tips for Success (distance-education.org)

another hot day

Today at work, we celebrated Paul's promotion to full professor. The only downside was that the party was outside on the patio which made the whole thing very excruciatingly hot. I thought I was going to die the whole thirty minutes we were out there. Michelle had to make an excuse to leave the party outside in order to go back to her air conditioned office. The downside of Paul's party is watching Paul eat...uck....he always has food falling out of his mouth and the food is all over his mouth and face. It makes you wonder if he learned table manners from a pack of wolves. I was quite grateful when I was able to leave and go back to my office.

countdown to a deadline

With my deadline fast approaching, I am stuck. I have yet to decide upon the topic of my nonfiction essay let alone write it. The time is ticking away. I know I should not be such a procrastinator but yet I did. I should've at least picked my topic a few days ago and did some sort of prewriting. Last night, I had this brilliant idea...I didn't stop and write it down instead I played it out in my head, allowed it to briskly walk out of my mind while I was eating supper. This afternoon while I was cleaning the pool another idea came to me about the purpose of blogging. I think I'll attempt this concept. The whole premise is to attempt to figure out why people blog. I know why I blog--at first it was because I know so many people who do...peer pressure made me begin. My love of writing is why I continue. Why do people blog about the best way to skim a pool or those damn mommy blogs to science geeks giving everyone their latest thoughts about microphysics--everyone has something to say. But why do we feel that everyone else wants to know about these latest and greatest epiphanies? It's not like those annoying mommy blogs are all that great--yes funny at times if you find the right blog but for the most part quite boring learning about how little Timmy made a pee two days in a row or how little Suzi has drawn on her floral walls again causing her mother to think the child has artistic talent when by the photo attached to the entry clearly shows little Suzi has the same artistic talent that every other three year has. Really what are we all accomplishing by blogging everyday or in some cases every hour? Do we really have that much to say? Are we that interesting?  In some cases, no. There's always that exception to the rule. That one person who does it for the sheer joy of writing and sharing ideas. Who wants to help others bake that vegan apple pie to perfection or to help little Johnny make a bird house for his scouting badge or just to share their day with someone else. Rest assured there is a blogger out there with your interest--there's a million of us out there sharing, posting, and vlogging.
The ending sucks. It needs work. A good start. Works still needs to be done. That's what editing is all about!!

Drought

What to write about....how hot and humid it is...nah. I'm not sure if there is an appropriate adjective to describe the tepid air, the non circulation of nothing, the stank of sweat, the stickiness of skin, the intake of air only for it to increase the heat of the room. The way everything thing feels....the dampness of the furniture to the film upon the wood. Nothing is as it should be. The drought is upon the Midwest with no desire to leave. What a bummer. I had high hopes of a fun summer outside with the boys only to be shut up inside due to the incredible humidity and heat. At times, we have said screw it, played out in the pool or with the twin's sprinkler toys though both are only short term distractions from the permeance  of the stagnant air. I do wish for a nice long cool rain.....to water my garden and cool things down. I'm sure if that did happen it would only make the humidity even higher and harder to breathe.

coming to terms

I'm not very happy with my father. He had a BBQ yesterday and called everyone but me. Why? What have I done to offend him or anyone else? Nothing. I would understand if I was or have been a bitchy little girl but I never have been. Actually, I've always been quite the opposite. Always doing what has been asked of me with little to no question. Took care of my depressed mother, kept a slight eye on my younger brothers which after a bit grew tiresome and I left it to my parents. Grant it my relationship with Dad has been strained for the past year or so since he divorced my mother and married his mistress. Yes, I am still a little upset about how the divorce went down and the lies told. I'm more upset with him because he lied to me. I want to be ok with everything. I really do pretend to be alright with it all, but sometimes it's not ok especially since he does all kinds of things with my brothers and her daughters. Him spending more time with her daughters is what upsets me the most. I know it could just be because I've always been daddy's little girl and now I question that. Really, I've only been the only girl he has taken care of...now there are four bitches who are getting more attention than me. Even when my parents were together, my dad put me above my mother so....I have been put up on this princess pedestal. I do know how childish and immature that sounds. It's how I feel. Somehow, I need to come to terms with the fact that I'm not the only one anymore. I know thus far it all sounds small and petty....but it's not just these few little things. When Alex has his appendix taken out he didn't come to the hospital to see him but he did when my brother did. Two ...maybe three phone calls....and none since we came home from the hospital. He could be keeping his distance because he thinks I'm still pissed about how things went down with the divorce. I had to clean up his mess which yeah I am still mad about but I'm getting over it. Now I'm starting to wonder since I've mentioned it three times now. Honestly, I think it has nothing to do with that. As selfish as it sounds, it really is all about me and how I'm being treated. I was mad ....because of that...I pushed him away. Now I'm pouting about it. Yes, I do acknowledge the stupidity and childishness of it all on my part. I'm also not sure how to fix it. I'm going to call him when I get off work tomorrow. I would call him tonight but my mother is here and I don't want to have that conversation with her here. It would make things even the more awkward that it is.   

Day 3 of Tim's antics

Today is the third day that Tim has been yelling, screaming and basically bitching about everything. First he was upset because Alex didn't go out and train Flash at the exact moment that Tim said. Grant it, Alex should've  went out and trained the dog. But he didn't thus so Tim went off the deep end. He started yelling--literally yelling.  Stating that Alex is a bad kid and he never listens....blah blah blah. He does listen. At times, he thinks he's rebelling against whatever teens are rebelling against. There are a few things that Tim was correct about...such as Alex should've done what he was told without flying off at the mouth. Tim should've tried to hit Alex with a closed fist though according to Tim, he never intended to hit Alex. Tim keeps going on and on about it. To Tim the only punishment for the children is spankings something which I really prefer not to use. I have spanked the twins after they destroy things or make severe messes.
Right now, Tim is talking to his mother which is just making the situation worse than better because she is blaming everything on me and Alex instead of making Tim realize that his reactions are over the top. He was angry after only a few minutes of speaking with Alex. This isn't a normal "I'm pissed off" kind of thing either. No this is I'm going to hurt or kill someone. I always stop Tim when he's like this because I'm scared he's going to hurt someone.
I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle from Tim. Everyday, it's something new. Yesterday, it was I'm a bitch and ask too much from him. He is depressed. That's why he can't do anything around the house. He hasn't done any type of housework since May. I've done everything with Alex helping occasionally. Yesterday, I asked him why he doesn't help around the house more. Yes I probably didn't use very good tact. It would be a different story if he worked a lot but he doesn't. He doesn't work at all. He's a student. An online student. He's always home. But yet I'm the one who scrubs the kitchen floor and the bathroom down. I'm the only one who does laundry and puts it away. I'm tired. I'm tired of working and going to school full time. I'm tired of being the only one who does anything around the house.
The day before he started a fight because he wanted sex while I was sleeping. It's my fault because I didn't wake up when he wanted sex!?! For crying out loud! I was sleeping. Instead we fought for over three hours about everything from lack of sex to how his PTSD is not being treated to how I was raised was wrong because I was not abused as a child and I grew up with both of my parents.

Thus it begins....

Day 1
I am in search of a MFA program--actually a low residency MFA program to attend next academic year. As per my advisor I should be shopping for programs this summer, taking the GRE in the fall and have everything finalized by December. Or so I'm told. Easier said than done. Today, I begin step 1: shop for MFA programs that meet the criteria I need. The issue with that is...I need convenience of location and a program with assistantships which will pay for my education. Thus far I have only found 1. It's not lookin good. I will have to expand my search beyond the Great Lakes region (well actually, I've only searched Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky, and Michigan). Maybe I do want to go somewhere warm or in the New England region. Who knows at this point? I may change my mind and decide I need a full residency program. Time will tell. My little guys are why I prefer the low residency program. I want to be home with them instead of stuck in a classroom all day either teaching or as a student. We just moved into this nice little house with one acre of yard for them to run and play. If I attend a full residency, I will have to upheaval them back into a tiny apartment. I feel bad enough for making them tolerate my evening classes and such. My goal is for the low residency program. Maybe I will find a program in Massachusetts or North Carolina  which will better suit my needs both financially and academically.

karma

Tonight, I was IMing my father. He was trying to talk me into attending his new in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. Now why in the world would I want to attend that? According to him, it's because they are family now. They want us there. Yeah right! My ass! I don't know why they even give a shit about us. I don't even know their names. I have only met these people maybe...three times. If that. I just don't feel connected to them at all. Besides just because one marries doesn't make you family....it just means you're related. To me, family is who looks out for you and cares for you and on occasion...will drop you a line just to see how you are. Right now, I guess I'm overly critical of others. I'm in a very distrustful place. Too many people have lied to me including my father. With him, I placed him on a pedestal way too high. A pedestal he should not have even been on. I could still be frustrated about the goings from this week. I need to find a way to purge all this anxiety and frustration. I only hope that my frustrations and such will be purged soon. I'm not sure how much longer my emotions can stand to be within myself. I must find way to purge them. Let the brain storming begin.

stupid lives.....

I'm really not sure where to start....this week I really do feel like I'm on the brink of losing my mind. Part of me just wants to walk away from all the bullshit. I have never had someone take credit for my work. It happened today. A co worker of mine is telling everyone that she does this and she does that. I found out that she took complete credit for a project that I did. She said she worked on it for the last few day....yeah right...it took me one day to do. I'm not sure if I'm more upset about her taking credit for my work or the fact that she lied about my role in the project. She isn't the first person to lie to/about me this week.  This is instance number two from numerous people. People can be incredibly two faced. Perhaps they may not have intended for it to come across that way but it did. I'm incredibly upset about it and for some reason I can't use my words. Nothing has helped me with calming down. I wish I could find a way to relax and find a way to deal with the stupid shit.

another day

Ok, so today is my birthday. No big deal. Just another day. That's the way it's been since I was 12. I'm not upset by it nor am I happy about but for some reason everybody wants to stop and say "happy birthday" or "hope ur having a relaxing day today." Yeah right. I guess it kinda annoys me because if it wasn't for forgetting to take my birthday off facebook...no one would have said a word. I guess it just feels fake like they are only saying it because the computer told them it was today. I bet if facebook didn't have it on there then nothing. Nada. Same as last year and the year before and so forth. Another reason why it bothers me is because I don't celebrate my birthday.. hell I didn't even have a 16th birthday party. For a girl that's a big deal. On my 21st, I bought a bottle of something and went home drank it with Tim after Alex went to bed that night. www.facebook.com

Agnst

I'm not real sure what to write about today all I know is that I must write. I know not what of but something. I wish I could say I have something inspiring to say or witty but both elude me today. That could be because I was awaken abruptly by my boys or the headache or my bladder all of which informed me to get up. My mind wanted to stay in my unconscious state of bliss where I brillantly bring my stories together. It's a shame that I can't write these things down while in this state (believe me I've tried). I have found out that if the same images and story repeats at least three or more times; I'm actually able to remember it and thus able to get it written down. Odd as it is, I've been trying to repeat my dreams and thoughts when in this state of limbo. I'm hoping this will become a habit.
Shortly, after I awoke, the day has been slowly plummeting. First with Tim's grouchiness, then Alex's teen angst, followed by Mathew wanting to be like Alex, then the twins thinking they have free-will. All amounts to children who are unwilling to do their chores in order to play the wii. I must say that Tim has been helping around the house much more than before. It could be because I've been doing things which can be seen instead of the santitizing that is not easily recognizable. At this moment, Tim is organizing the garage which means I'll never find something I need from there, but at least it looks better than before. Mathew is finally getting himself in gear. Alex says after his shower he will motivate himself to get his stuff done, we'll see. The twins--well, they will have to motivated yet again because cartoons revolve what they do. I should be doing something other than this such as the laundry, reading my homework assignment, anything other than what I am doing. That's okay. I know I will get everything done. I always do.