uncertain....times???

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I feel like I am at a crossroads. I know my last posting was about much the same as I am beginning. I'm feelin the pressure to figure out what to do. Should I continue with the degree I've started? Should I do something completely different? Do I take a chance by taking classes on campus and taking time away from my kiddos. How much different is it taking classes on campus than it is to have a full time job? Tim is pressuring me to get a job....any job. I don't want just any job. I want something that I'll be happy doing. I want to work with students,  well...people in general. If I work with great people, it makes the most mundane task so much better. I had a job interview at the local paper. I don't think I'm on their short list (I wish I would be). This interview made me realize how much I miss writing. Asking questions, trying to figure something out even if I think it's boring and stupid....someone else may need that information. It's my job to give them that information. Well, it would've been had I received the offer for the position....but at the moment it doesn't appear it will happen. On to the next .......I don't know what will happen but I'm going to keep my options open (except for factory work....I would rather...well it severely damages my ego to the point I get depressed). I get so upset about the factory job offers because I went to college only to come back and do the exact same thing I did before getting my degree?!? Really? I don't think so. I have improved myself. I am edu-acated....lol. I feel my hard work and  dedication should be worth a bit more. But it doesn't feel like it. In the mean time, I'm going to re-decorate the house and spend time with my kiddos. Appreciate time to myself, with my family. 

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on the brink....of....??

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I feel I'm on verge of something, but I don't know what that might be. A new adventure would be nice though many adventures require fundage which I am quite short of. That might not be the best thing (unless it's a free adventure). I notice that I tend to feel this way every few years. I get very unsettled when I don't know what's going to happen next. Even though, I have only recently (the last few years) began goal setting for myself....I am at a crossroads without one. For the last five years, my goal was to graduate with my Bachelor degree in English. Did that. Now, what? It has been almost a year since my graduation. I figured that the time would help me figure out what I wanted to be when I decided to grow up. That hasn't happened. While I wait, and contemplate, I enrolled in a Master's program. For the most part, I enjoy it. I question whether or not this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Do I really want to hold college students' hands through their academic career? Last year, I would've said heck yeah...no Hell yeah. I was all gun ho. But now? I wonder if I just decided on this degree because it was easy for me. It's something I already know. For the most part, I get it. But do I want something easy? Or am I looking at this all wrong? Maybe it's not "easy" but something that comes natural to me. This really is my destined career. My undergraduate mentors were able to see it before I did. But I have had this fascination with Marketing. I think that is why I am really questioning my choice of degree. What if my friend Mandy hadn't told me that I would be an English major? What degree would I have went with (because I know it wouldn't have been Nursing as I originally thought)? I wonder if I would have chosen Marketing. The only setback for that degree is the amount of math...ugh I hated math. I was always good at Algebra but anything else eludes me.  Anyway, I choose English because my English Composition professors informed me I have a natural talent for writing. I have always loved reading and writing as a child. It seemed to be a no brainer. Sadly, no one told me that I would have problems getting a job without going to grad school until my Senior year. By then, my degree is complete....thanks a lot for the heads up.
I feel like something is waiting for me on the other side of....? Is it something good? Or just more heartache and time intensive work for little to no rewards. I'm not looking for a total payday. I just want something that keeps me motivated everyday. I want to go to work. I look forward to seeing my co-workers. Yes, it would be nice if I could live comfortably, but in this economy--it's highly doubtful.

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my grandma

Most people have this nice sweet grandma. Not me....well not in the sense that comes to my mind. The problem between me and my Grandma Dotson (my dad'd mom) is: we are exactly alike. You have no idea how much saying that pains me. It has taken me years to confront this. Only until recently that I have accepted it. I mean recent as in less than 5 mins ago. Since my graduation, I have been re-evaluating things in my life. Things I've done right, and wrong. One big thing keeps coming back to me. Family. When I was going up family was always together either on my mother's side or my father's. I was always surrounded by aunts and uncles..and food. There was always food. Now, no one hardly speaks to each other. My grandma has spoken to me since my grandfather's funeral. That breaks my heart more than losing him. Let me tell you....that a lot. My grandpa was the sole reason I spoke to my grandmother. She never showed much love. She is a cheap skate. Always hard on me more than any other of her 15+ grandchildren. For the last few nights, all I can think about is her. Though we butted heads more than we got along, she's still my grandma. She taught me how to make peanut butter cookies and her special "sheet cake."
All these thoughts about her and mostly my grandpa, I remember a conversation with a co-worker and my grandma's preacher's wife (the same person). She told me instead of thinking about all the reasons why I don't get along with grandma think of all the good times when we got along. That's what's has me up till after 2 am. The numerous happy memories with my grandma. She wasn't the evil wench that I thought she was as a teen nor the trouble maker as some in our community used to say. The little 5 foot woman who taught me how to bake and make fried eggs on an electric griddle. She complimented me for not getting burned at the camper (though she knew I NEVER burned even after being in the sun for hours).

All this reminiscing, reminds me of a saying "it takes a village to raise a child." I had a village: 4 grandparents, and 8 aunts and uncles (not including spouses or girl/boyfriends). I miss my village. I feel that my kids are missing out by not having a village. They need a village.
I know before I can plan out my future and where to go from here; I need to fix my past. I need to fix my relationships with my grandmother and probably my father. I'm sure many more family members, but one person at a time. I also have to come to terms with my grandfather's death, which happened almost 3 years ago but I still cry like a baby at the mention of his name let alone anything else. I'm sure it's not healthy that I haven't been back to his gravesite since his funeral. The reason is because then his death will be real. I don't want it to be. He was my wisest elder who kept my other elder in line. Now, I only have 3 elders (though it feels like I only have 2). Now, my only debate is whether I should call my grandmother and speak to her or write her a letter telling her how I feel. I know one way or another, I need to. 

Cooks.com - Recipe - Corn Souffle

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Cooks.com - Recipe - Corn Souffle: "1 can cream style corn
1 can whole kernel corn, drained
1/4 c. milk
4 eggs, separated
2 tbsp. sugar
2 tbsp. flour
1/2 tsp. salt
1/8 tsp. pepper
2 tbsp. melted butter
1/2 c. shredded cheese (optional)
Mix everything in bowl except egg whites. Beat egg whites until stiff peaks form. Fold into corn mixture. Pour into greased souffle pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 to 30 minutes or until golden brown."

Ok I didn't follow it exactly because I didn't realize how long it took to get stiff peaks on the egg whites. I also didn't realize until I spoke with my hubby Tim that to get stiff peaks I needed to put it in a larger bowl to whip the air into the egg whites and that's what gets me the stiff peaks. Leave it to Mr. Food Network a.k.a. Tim to know that. I folded it in without the stiff peaks and added two Tablespoons of flour because I figure the reason for the stiff peaks is to stiffen up the batter. I don't know....I'm starting to think I was wrong.

Ok, the souffle baked for a bit over an hour. I liked it though I think it needed a bit more sugar. I think that because we ate for dessert instead of as a side dish. If we had it as a side dish as I had intended then it needed some salt and pepper. As a dessert, it needed more sugar.  Overall, it turned out pretty good. 

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Hot Chicken Salad

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Rice Pudding | Pudding Recipes | Just A Pinch Recipe Club

I made a version of this tonight. Sadly it didn't turn out quite right.

Hot Chicken Salad

6 chicken quarters (shredded)

4 cans cream of mushroom soup

1 package (14 oz) stuffing mix

3 cups milk

2 teaspoons black pepper

1 teaspoon sea salt

1 teaspoon garlic powder

1/2 teaspoon sage

Cook chicken in chicken broth and parsley. Chill and debone. Spray roaster pan w/ cooking spray. Mix chicken, soup, stuffing, milk, and spices along with the chicken broth from cooking the chicken.

Bake at 350 degrees for one hour or until crispy crust on top.

Ok I think this was an epic fail. It was waaaay too salty. Next time, two cans of soup and do not add the sea salt. Maybe even using a low sodium soup and more milk.

Oh well, maybe next time.

late night bloggin

Another night I can't sleep. It is after 1 am and I'm still just as awake as I was at 11 pm when I went to bed. I'm sure it doesn't help that Tim has gas tonight. About the time, I get all cozy and about to drift off to LaLa Land...he farts, contaminating the entire room. Seriously, I thought I was going to gag a couple of times. Instead of sleeping, I suppose I'll blog for a bit about what all was streaming through my head when I was attempting to sleep.

First, was about what types of scrapbooking embellishments I could make and sell on Etsy. I have this cool tool that will let me make all kinds of cool stuff. I figure why not take a few moments and make some stuff for other people. I could sell them for cheap and bam! I was also thinking about how I need to back up my pictures that are on the laptop and what kind of scrapbook pages I can make with the pictures I have. My mind wandered about where the rest of my scrapbook stuff went to. I haven't seen the twins or Mathew's scrapbook since we move in this place over two years ago. Wonder how long it will take to clean out a few more boxes in the garage. I'm sure those books and the rest of my scrapbook stuff is in there. How long will it take to wash up all those clothes we have stored in boxes. If any of those clothes still fit anyone??Need to check on the last one. Might be something to remember in the daylight hours.

WHY the HELL can't I sleep? Why does it take over two hours to fall asleep? Why do I need to take something in order to fall asleep? This is getting bad. Maybe I should go talk to the dr about this. It has been almost a month since I've been able to sleep without a sleeping pill or some other relaxant.

I also wrote out a mental to do list for tomorrow.....included: laundry, dishes, garage, help Tim w/his stuff, make sure Alex works on his Pathways book.

And I prayed fro guidance. I don't know why but I feel like we should be going to church. When I brought it up to Tim, he wanted a good reason why we should go. He thinks I should go with the boys without him. Yeah, right. I think the whole family should go including him. Ever since Harry moved away Tim refuses to go to church. Yeah, Harry was a one-of-a-kind type of preacher but that shouldn't stop someone from going and experiencing other churches and styles of sermons. The only reason I could think of was I just feel we should go. Obviously, that wasn't enough. I don't have a good reason on why I think we should go. I'm not sure how to convince him we should go.

Handmade Scrapbooking Accessories on Etsy - Albums, embellishments, premade pages, scrapbooking accessories

When the sun come up, I'll post a pic or two of a few projects I did earlier. I really hope I can get some sleep. I hope and pray that I can.

headache

I woke up morning with a huge headache. At first, I thought it was due to sleeping too much but....no...it was waking up to the boys yelling and fighting with each other. Ugh. Why can't I wake up one morning without hearing them fighting about their playstation or the game they are playing or the pretend game they invented. All day they have been hyper. No matter what activity I give them to do it lasts for a few moments before they run off to hassle each other. I just wish I could find an activity that will keep their attention for more than five minutes (other than playing video games even that they heckle each other over).

I'm sure it doesn't help that, overall, I am very frustrated. I'm frustrated because I don't have a job...hell not even a job interview has popped up. It makes me feel very inadequate as if the last five years of my life has been for nothing. I am in a worse situation than before I went to college because not only do I not have a job but I have student loans to pay back. Ughhh!! Even the act of apply for positions is very frustrating. I'm either over qualified or under...I feel like what the heck?! I went to school for five years to be over qualified or I don't have enough experience or a Masters. Another Uggh! I know I should take it in stride but I've never really had to look for a job before. They always came to me or other people brought them to me. It's just really weird to have to find a job when I've never had to do it before. No wonder so many ppl decide to stay on unemployment. This who job hunting thing sucks! I know I sound like a pampered twenty-something who has never left the comforts of mommy and daddy's house when in actuality I have been on my own for quite sometime. Who would've thought that a thirty--err twenty-nine year old would be having problems finding a job.

I need to find something to do that will help me with all the frustration I have. Maybe I should take up running or exercise

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